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Agent Trojanhorse (Trojie) is a Bad Slash agent specialising in NC-17 badslash from any universe, and especially that involving Real People and, lately, dinosaurs. She is one of five agent characters written by Trojanhorse Heales-Shadowfax.


Agent Trojie is of average height, generic Caucasian, with mucky-blonde hair which she keeps in a ponytail that reaches to her waist. She will generally wear a pair of tattered jeans and an even more tattered band shirt, with her PPC uniform jacket over the top, unless forced into full uniform by one of the Flowers That Be. She wears glasses. Frequent incidents in missions of things not going according to plan means that she also usually has her sunglasses at least perched on top of her head, or on over her prescription glasses, in case of need for a hurried neuralyzation.


In general, Trojie is easy-going when not confronted by poor biology or rape scenes. Her language is creatively filthy, and her most commonly used exclamation is 'in the Holy Name of Kurt Cobain!' Her lust-objects are many and varied; musicians feature heavily, as do canon characters of the lanky, dark-haired male persuasion. Trojie likes to think of herself as musical, and indeed she listens to and plays a lot of music. Her singing voice is best described as 'enthusiastic but haphazard', and she plays the guitar in much the same way.

Trojie suffers from Discworld kleptomania. In any other continuum she is as sane and work-orientated as any agent can be expected to be, but when in the Discworld or indeed any Terry Pratchett (and to a lesser extent Neil Gaiman) continuum, she will compulsively steal anything that isn't nailed down. These items range from things like pigeon feathers, chip wrappers and dried turds to valuables and legendary Disc artifacts, from harmless things like the gloomy and purposeless trouser of Uncle Vanya, to potentially lethal things like the New Pie.

Her exorcism kit also includes the eight-pound bell of Witchfinder CSM Horace 'Get Them Afore They Get You' Narker, taken from the Good Omens-verse, where no-one appeared to be paying attention to it. This, along with the length of chain (probably not pilfered from the Disc, but who really knows?) that she wears as a belt, is her favoured weapon.

Partners and Family[]

Trojie's first long-time partner, Agent Soulshadow, is on a long-term hiatus due to her anger-management issues. Since 2004, Trojie has:

In 2008 she recruited a new permanent partner: Agent Paddlebrains, a Potterverse animagus. They suit each other well, both being snarky and gutterminded, and what with Trojie being a dog-handler, Pads' occasional need for a walk is understood. Pads, fairly early on in their partnership, began trying to woo Trojie.[1] Trojie spent nearly a year trying to put her off, but in the end was won over by a combination of nudity, birthday cake, and Mrs Palm's boots (not to mention an accidental genderbend leading to accidental mansexings.[2] The two have now settled down fairly happily together, although Trojie continues to deny the logic of having it off whilst in possession of lady-bits.

Trojie also has an adopted daughter, the Sue replacement of Cera from Chapter 34 of LxC, renamed Marsha Heales-Shadowfax, and currently living in the Nursery. With the premature addition in December 2008 of Spencer Black, the MPreg baby of two internationally famous tennis players, and his half-twin Andy, to their family, Trojie may be right in saying that this family will have some of the oddest family portraits in the history of history.

In October 2008, the Department of Bad Slash opened its new Division of Mpreg and Trojie and Pads were assigned its sole agent, Oscar Henson, as a new temporary partner in order to give him the training he required for his new job. He has now graduated to having his own partner, Iza, and missions without his former mentors, although they occasionally still either get roped into his missions for their knowledge of various continua, or else go seeking him out as backup for particularly nasty missions of their own.

Trojie also tends to end up helping out her friends and acquaintances on missions by accident or by assignment. She enjoys these excursions immensely.

Pets, Minis, etc.[]

Trojie has an inexplicable desire to adopt homeless things. Thus RC 45 has, at one time or another, contained dogs, cats, mini-Balrogs, mini-Hellhounds, mini-Chimerae, mini-Aragogs, mini-Dragons, Quantum Weather Butterflies, and Agent Paddlebrains.

Currently the non-agent complement of the RC is:

  • one green-brindled, over-sized Great Dane bitch named Absinthe (although Trojie usually just calls her 'dog'), whose talents include apparently endless slobber and the ability to sniff out characters from the Words;
  • various numbers of Quantum Weather Butterflies;
  • a nameless cat rescued from a Disc Suefic and defiantly named The Nameless Cat;
  • a mini-Chimera named 'byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple)', more usually called Apple, who is a hybrid of hawk and golden retriever;
  • a mini-Aragog named Madam Pomphrey left in the RC accidentally by Oscar;
  • a mini-Dragon named Edmond; and
  • a mini-Balrog named Elebereth who was foisted upon Trojie and Pads by their authors, who accidentally created her.

Isilidur (the first mini-Balrog co-owned by Trojie) left with Agent Soulshadow, as did Deimos the warg/dog.

Trojie is also involved in an effort to resurrect the Cute Animal Friends Adoption Agency. Suggestions that this is because her RC is running out of space for her to house all the animals that she wants to adopt are purely libel. However, it is true that Pads has threatened to find a new partner if Trojie does not get the place up and running and stop bringing animals home. Preferably before she decides that Skandar Keynes or Pavel Chekov are cute enough to warrant the CAF designation.

Missions Logs[]

Home: Response Centre #45


  • Agent Trojanhorse recruited (DBS).
  • Mission Two: 'Morning After' (Real Person Fic)
    • Trojie has to exorcise Axl Rose and Kurt Cobain after a highly unlikely night-before-the-morning-after.

Partnered with Soulshadow[]

  • Around late 2004, Trojie is found to be compulsively stealing small items from the Discworld- and Good Omens-verses, and is banned from any continua involving Terry Pratchett and/or Neil Gaiman unless specifically ordered to go there for a mission.
  • Agent Soulshadow declared MIA: possibly lost in the bowels of Medical or escaped to an unknown continuum. Isilidur and Deimos go with her.

With Various Partners[]

  • After 'Downer', Trojie is not heard of for some time. She spent most of 2006 in hiding, it appears. Details as they come out.
  • Mission Seven: 'Love is Stronger than Pride', with Agent Lizzy (unreleased)
  • Agent Paddlebrains recruited.

Partnered with Paddlebrains[]

  • Interlude: 'The Quest (Part One)'
    • Following the realisation that Gillyweed does not, in fact, get you high, Paddlebrains embarks on the Quest for the Sentient Cannabis Plant; Trojie is unwillingly dragged along.
  • Mission Twelve: 'Out in the Rain' (Discworld)
    • Trojie reveals that she has stolen the New Pie from the Discworld. Hints that this may be used for something drastic in the future. Paddlebrains starts stealing the boots of every Disc character she can mug. Both agents vow to steal Disc missions from other agents wherever possible. Gaspode reveals that he knows of the PPC and has done so for some time. Pads and Trojie give him a Dis Organiser to keep in contact with them.
  • Mission Thirteen: 'LxC: The DinoSue Strikes Back' (Land Before Time)
    • Trojie practises her vivisection skills and recruits the Sue replacement of Cera Threehorn, renaming her Marsha. Marsha is sent to the Nursery, but adopted as Trojie's daughter.
  • Mission Fourteen: 'Pain' (Lord of the Rings) (unreleased)
    • Trojie is subjected to the horrors of prepubescent interspecies non-con Mpreg.
  • Interlude: 'Please?'
    • Pads begins the wooing of her partner.
  • Mission Eighteen: 'Manhood' (Harry Potter)
    • In which the agents' sanity goes the same way as Snape's genitals.
  • Mission Twenty-Six: 'Eternal' (Lord of the Rings)
    • A romp, or, more accurately, a killing spree, through Rivendell convinces Trojie it may be time for Pads to take maternity leave.
  • Mission Thirty: 'The two boys' (Narnia)
    • When the Lace discovers Trojie and Pads have been stealing missions, punishment comes in the form of Narnia badslash.
  • Mission Thirty-Eight: 'Worth Loathing' (Wicked), Trojie with Agent Sedri (DMS)
    • Agent Sedri of the DMS brings Trojie along on a Wickedverse mission.
  • Mission Forty-Three: 'Another Drink' (Lord of the Rings)
    • Trojie and Pads' attempts to spend some time with their children are interrupted by Sam Gamgee's unusual ideas about how best to quench thirst on Mount Doom.