Agent Trojanhorse (Trojie) is a Bad Slash agent specialising in NC-17 badslash from any universe, and especially that involving Real People and, lately, dinosaurs. She is one of five agent characters written by Trojanhorse Heales-Shadowfax.
Agent Trojie is of average height, generic Caucasian, with mucky-blonde hair which she keeps in a ponytail that reaches to her waist. She will generally wear a pair of tattered jeans and an even more tattered band shirt, with her PPC uniform jacket over the top, unless forced into full uniform by one of the Flowers That Be. She wears glasses. Frequent incidents in missions of things not going according to plan means that she also usually has her sunglasses at least perched on top of her head, or on over her prescription glasses, in case of need for a hurried neuralyzation.
In general, Trojie is easy-going when not confronted by poor biology or rape scenes. Her language is creatively filthy, and her most commonly used exclamation is 'in the Holy Name of Kurt Cobain!' Her lust-objects are many and varied; musicians feature heavily, as do canon characters of the lanky, dark-haired male persuasion. Trojie likes to think of herself as musical, and indeed she listens to and plays a lot of music. Her singing voice is best described as 'enthusiastic but haphazard', and she plays the guitar in much the same way.
Trojie suffers from Discworld kleptomania. In any other continuum she is as sane and work-orientated as any agent can be expected to be, but when in the Discworld or indeed any Terry Pratchett (and to a lesser extent Neil Gaiman) continuum, she will compulsively steal anything that isn't nailed down. These items range from things like pigeon feathers, chip wrappers and dried turds to valuables and legendary Disc artifacts, from harmless things like the gloomy and purposeless trouser of Uncle Vanya, to potentially lethal things like the New Pie.
Her exorcism kit also includes the eight-pound bell of Witchfinder CSM Horace 'Get Them Afore They Get You' Narker, taken from the Good Omens-verse, where no-one appeared to be paying attention to it. This, along with the length of chain (probably not pilfered from the Disc, but who really knows?) that she wears as a belt, is her favoured weapon.
Partners and Family
Trojie's first long-time partner, Agent Soulshadow, is on a long-term hiatus due to her anger-management issues. Since 2004, Trojie has:
- undergone missions solo,
- sporked the Legendary Badfic 'Land Before Time: Littlefoot x Cera' with Agent Zach Homewood,
- sporked Real Person badfic with Agent Sparky,
- worked on one mission with Agent Lizzy (which will be posted once complete).
In 2008 she recruited a new permanent partner: Agent Paddlebrains, a Potterverse animagus. They suit each other well, both being snarky and gutterminded, and what with Trojie being a dog-handler, Pads' occasional need for a walk is understood. Pads, fairly early on in their partnership, began trying to woo Trojie. Trojie spent nearly a year trying to put her off, but in the end was won over by a combination of nudity, birthday cake, and Mrs Palm's boots (not to mention an accidental genderbend leading to accidental mansexings. The two have now settled down fairly happily together, although Trojie continues to deny the logic of having it off whilst in possession of lady-bits.
Trojie also has an adopted daughter, the Sue replacement of Cera from Chapter 34 of LxC, renamed Marsha Heales-Shadowfax, and currently living in the Nursery. With the premature addition in December 2008 of Spencer Black, the MPreg baby of two internationally famous tennis players, and his half-twin Andy, to their family, Trojie may be right in saying that this family will have some of the oddest family portraits in the history of history.
In October 2008, the Department of Bad Slash opened its new Division of Mpreg and Trojie and Pads were assigned its sole agent, Oscar Henson, as a new temporary partner in order to give him the training he required for his new job. He has now graduated to having his own partner, Iza, and missions without his former mentors, although they occasionally still either get roped into his missions for their knowledge of various continua, or else go seeking him out as backup for particularly nasty missions of their own.
Trojie also tends to end up helping out her friends and acquaintances on missions by accident or by assignment. She enjoys these excursions immensely.
Pets, Minis, etc.
Trojie has an inexplicable desire to adopt homeless things. Thus RC 45 has, at one time or another, contained dogs, cats, mini-Balrogs, mini-Hellhounds, mini-Chimerae, mini-Aragogs, mini-Dragons, Quantum Weather Butterflies, and Agent Paddlebrains.
Currently the non-agent complement of the RC is:
- one green-brindled, over-sized Great Dane bitch named Absinthe (although Trojie usually just calls her 'dog'), whose talents include apparently endless slobber and the ability to sniff out characters from the Words;
- various numbers of Quantum Weather Butterflies;
- a nameless cat rescued from a Disc Suefic and defiantly named The Nameless Cat;
- a mini-Chimera named 'byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple)', more usually called Apple, who is a hybrid of hawk and golden retriever;
- a mini-Aragog named Madam Pomphrey left in the RC accidentally by Oscar;
- a mini-Dragon named Edmond; and
- a mini-Balrog named Elebereth who was foisted upon Trojie and Pads by their authors, who accidentally created her.
Isilidur (the first mini-Balrog co-owned by Trojie) left with Agent Soulshadow, as did Deimos the warg/dog.
Trojie is also involved in an effort to resurrect the Cute Animal Friends Adoption Agency. Suggestions that this is because her RC is running out of space for her to house all the animals that she wants to adopt are purely libel. However, it is true that Pads has threatened to find a new partner if Trojie does not get the place up and running and stop bringing animals home. Preferably before she decides that Skandar Keynes or Pavel Chekov are cute enough to warrant the CAF designation.
Home: Response Centre #45
- Agent Trojanhorse recruited (DBS).
- Mission One: 'Amin Ai Olin' (Lord of the Rings)
- Mission Two: 'Morning After' (Real Person Fic)
- Trojie has to exorcise Axl Rose and Kurt Cobain after a highly unlikely night-before-the-morning-after.
Partnered with Soulshadow
- Mission Three: 'Forbidden Love' (Lord of the Rings)
- Legolas and Elrohir are at it with absolutely no logic or sentence structure. Absinthe and Deimos adopted.
- Mission Four: 'Hotel Nights' (Real Person Fic)
- Jimmy Page and Robert Plant have stoned gaysex. Trojie and Soul have something to say about this.
- Mission Five: 'True Love Can Conquer All' (Lord of the Rings)
- A forced-marriage plotline, a lot of rape and an on-fire Soulshadow make for an eventful mission. Isilidur the mini-Balrog adopted.
- Around late 2004, Trojie is found to be compulsively stealing small items from the Discworld- and Good Omens-verses, and is banned from any continua involving Terry Pratchett and/or Neil Gaiman unless specifically ordered to go there for a mission.
- Mission: 'Fine Lines' (Good Omens), with Agents Lasa Nara and Montbretia Tornquist (DOA)
- Department of Angst formed; Agent Trojie helps out in their first mission, sorting out a depressive Good Omens fic.
- Agent Soulshadow declared MIA: possibly lost in the bowels of Medical or escaped to an unknown continuum. Isilidur and Deimos go with her.
With Various Partners
- Mission Six: 'Downer' (Real Person Fic), with Agent Sparky (DTE)
- In which Kurt Cobain is woobiefied to the nth degree and Trojie nearly has a mental breakdown.
- After 'Downer', Trojie is not heard of for some time. She spent most of 2006 in hiding, it appears. Details as they come out.
- Mission Seven: 'Love is Stronger than Pride', with Agent Lizzy (unreleased)
- Mission Eight: 'Rhymes With Bang Bang Sob' (Real Person Fic), Trojie solo
- The members of My Chemical Romance have a 'gangbang party'. Trojie is not in the mood.
- Agent Paddlebrains recruited.
- Mission Nine: 'Land Before Time: Littlefoot x Cera' (Land Before Time), with Agent Zach Homewood (DF)
Partnered with Paddlebrains
- Interlude: 'The Quest (Part One)'
- Following the realisation that Gillyweed does not, in fact, get you high, Paddlebrains embarks on the Quest for the Sentient Cannabis Plant; Trojie is unwillingly dragged along.
- Mission Eleven: 'A Promise To Be Kept', Part 1, Part Two (alternative link) (Discworld), with Agents July and Library (DF)
- Technically July and Library's mission; Trojie and Pads come along for the ride, purely for fun and not to nick anything at all, honest. Nameless Cat adopted by Pads.
- Mission Twelve: 'Out in the Rain' (Discworld)
- Trojie reveals that she has stolen the New Pie from the Discworld. Hints that this may be used for something drastic in the future. Paddlebrains starts stealing the boots of every Disc character she can mug. Both agents vow to steal Disc missions from other agents wherever possible. Gaspode reveals that he knows of the PPC and has done so for some time. Pads and Trojie give him a Dis Organiser to keep in contact with them.
- Mission Thirteen: 'LxC: The DinoSue Strikes Back' (Land Before Time)
- Trojie practises her vivisection skills and recruits the Sue replacement of Cera Threehorn, renaming her Marsha. Marsha is sent to the Nursery, but adopted as Trojie's daughter.
- Mission Fourteen: 'Pain' (Lord of the Rings) (unreleased)
- Trojie is subjected to the horrors of prepubescent interspecies non-con Mpreg.
- Interlude: 'Please?'
- Pads begins the wooing of her partner.
- 2008 Mary Sue Invasion (RP)
- Mission Sixteen: 'Fun in Buckland' (Lord of the Rings)
- Trojie finds another reason to resist femmeslash.
- Mission Seventeen: 'Pathways', Part 1, Part 2 (Stargate Atlantis)
- Pads' sneaky method of getting more missions in the continua they like best backfires.
- Mission Eighteen: 'Manhood' (Harry Potter)
- In which the agents' sanity goes the same way as Snape's genitals.
- Mission Nineteen: 'LxC: The Phantom DinoSue' (Land Before Time)
- More LxC, this time with added rape scenes, much to the horror of our heroines.
- Mission Twenty-One: 'Midnight Visitor' (Narnia)
- Trojie's desire for Narnia slash goes horribly awry.
- Mission Twenty-Two: 'Doom: Repercussions of Evil' (DOOM)
- Trojie continues to end up in continua she doesn't understand, thanks to Pads' algorithm.
- Mission Twenty-Three: 'What Happens in Narnia Stays in Narnia' (Narnia)
- Edmund Pevensie is violated once again.
- Mission Twenty-Four: 'Ethuil'waew' (Lord of the Rings), with Agent Oscar Henson (DBS - Mpreg)
- Trojie and Pads train up newbie Agent Oscar Henson by subjecting him to Legolas being repeatedly raped.
- Mission Twenty-Five: 'Ladi's Name' (Stargate Atlantis), with Agent Oscar Henson (DBS - Mpreg)
- Trojie and Pads help Oscar through an SGA Mpreg. Although, in retrospect, 'help' may not be quite the word.
- Mission Twenty-Six: 'Eternal' (Lord of the Rings)
- A romp, or, more accurately, a killing spree, through Rivendell convinces Trojie it may be time for Pads to take maternity leave.
- Mission Twenty-Seven: 'An Elf's Worst Nightmare' (Lord of the Rings), Trojie with Agent Luxury (DBS)
- Trojie teams up with Lux to disentangle a Fellowship hellbent on Legolas-lovin'.
- Mission Twenty-Eight: 'Extending the Family' (Harry Potter), Pads with Agent Oscar Henson (DBS - Mpreg)
- Trojie performs an exorcism for Pads, who is, shall we say, a little busy at the time.
- Mission Twenty-Nine: 'Bottled Feelings' (Harry Potter)
- An argument about territory is interrupted, briefly, by Potterverse femslash.
- Mission Thirty: 'The two boys' (Narnia)
- When the Lace discovers Trojie and Pads have been stealing missions, punishment comes in the form of Narnia badslash.
- Mission Thirty-One: 'Wedding Night' (Narnia)
- Mission Thirty-Two: 'Mirror Mirror' (Narnia)
- In which the punishment takes the form of sex prophecies.
- Mission Thirty-Three: 'The White Witches deal' (Narnia)
- In which 'magical cock' takes on a new meaning.
- Mission Thirty-Four: 'How to Remember the Signs' (Narnia)
- The punishment concludes with some divine bestiality.
- Interlude: 'Sin, Alcohol and Head-scratches'
- Trojie wakes up one morning to find she's actually a he. Slash ensues.
- Mission Thirty-Five: 'A baby and his dog' (Family Guy)
- Trojie and Pads are utterly unperturbed by bestiality and paedophilia in Family Guy.
- Mission Thirty-Six: 'Jungle Fever' (Jurassic Park), with Agent Oscar Henson (DBS - Mpreg)
- Trojie and Pads rope Oscar in to assist them with some Jurassic Park badslash.
- Mission Thirty-Seven: 'Jungle Terror and Bungle in the Jungle' (Jurassic Park), with Agent Oscar Henson (DBS - Mpreg)
- Trojie and Pads continue to require Oscar's assistance to save young children from molestation at the
handsclaws of various dinosaurs.
- Trojie and Pads continue to require Oscar's assistance to save young children from molestation at the
- Mission Thirty-Eight: 'Worth Loathing' (Wicked), Trojie with Agent Sedri (DMS)
- Agent Sedri of the DMS brings Trojie along on a Wickedverse mission.
- Mission Thirty-Nine: 'Teatime Punished' (Discworld)
- Trojie and Pads see a side of Jonathan Teatime they'd really rather avoid.
- Mission Forty: 'Of Hot Tubs and Weevils' (Torchwood)
- Trojie obtains some more biological specimens in Cardiff.
- Mission Forty-Two: 'Lady Light Skirt' (Merlin), with Agents Oscar Henson and Iza (DBS - Mpreg)
- Trojie and a reluctant Pads give Oscar a hand in the Merlinverse.
- Mission Forty-Three: 'Another Drink' (Lord of the Rings)
- Trojie and Pads' attempts to spend some time with their children are interrupted by Sam Gamgee's unusual ideas about how best to quench thirst on Mount Doom.
- Mission Forty-Four: 'Spreading Filths' (Lord of the Rings)
- Marsha joins Trojie and Pads on a sojourn to Ithilien.
- Mission Forty-Five: 'I Will Never Stop Loving You' (BBC's Robin Hood)
- A visit to Sherwood Forest takes a disgustingly fluffy turn.