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This is so stupid… so… stupid. Why would an American baby be adopted in Australia? ... Why are the abilities she is developing thrown in at the end like side notes? And WHAT IN THE NAME OF APOHPHIS IS GRABBING MY LEG?
—Thomas, "Thomas' Excellent Adventure"

Thomas Greenwall is an average human male from World One. He is currently stationed in the Department of Mary Sues.

Agent Profile[]


Thomas Greenwall is a relatively new agent. He fell through a plothole on his way home from a bad date, and hasn't looked back since. He was trained by an agent named Hannibal Hamlin, who suffered permanent hair loss after Thomas brought plutonium back to his response center. Agent Hannibal has been trying to catch up to Thomas ever since. So far, Thomas has succeeded in eluding him. At the same time his trainer suffered permanent hair loss, the response center bathroom was rendered too radioactive for use by anyone but cockroaches. On a related note, cockroaches have been advised to wear protective gear if they plan to use the bathroom in Response Center 16,202,535.


Thomas is around five eleven, thin, with long arms and legs, longish brown hair and blue eyes. He usually wears a black T-shirt with the cactus flash patch on the shoulder, as well as jeans and sneakers.


Thomas does nothing by halves; either he is enthusiastic about killing Mary Sues, angry at the stupidity of Mary Sues, or stupefied by the utter stupidity of Mary Sues. Often at these times he is pacing excitedly, banging his head into a wall, standing in shocked silence, or trying to stupidly charge a Mary Sue. When he isn't feeling strong emotions related to Mary Sues, he is often seen relaxed in a comfortable chair in his response center, or thinking up some sort of plan to better his situation.

He is a huge fan of Stargate SG-1, but he is familiar with other canons, especially Warehouse 13 and Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog.


Thomas is the proud owner of O'Neil the mini-Unas (with whom he has a complicated relationship), and despite his best intentions to present him as a gift to Orken, Winston the Ministry of love (Witmol), who he found in an old RC. As of his latest mission, he is now also the proud owner of Claudi the mini-Farnsworth.

Important Notes[]

While briefly not allowed to have Bleeprin after a first time use overdose caused side effects,[1] he has since been given the okay to begin taking the substance in small doses.

Mission Reports[]

Home: Response Center 16,202,535

Appearances are listed in chronological order, not the order in which they were written.

Partnered with Orken 7861[]

  • Interlude 3: "Guests"
    • Thomas and Orken return to their response center to relax after their last mission, only to be interrupted by an unexpected visitor.
  • Mission Nine: "It's Elf's World!" (Pokémon x The Zombie Survival Guide), with Agent Lucius Sievert (DF)
    • Agent Lucius teams up with Agents Thomas and Orken to take out some elves who have nothing whatsoever to do with either canon in their crossover. What is this insanity? "It's Elf's World!"