Part XXVII of the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at the PPC List, comprising entries 18?-19?.
Cross-posted from the Board on May 23, 2019.
1839. No matter how much I enjoy Owl City, harassing Agent Ix with Wolf Bite is a very bad idea, not to mention cruel.
1840. I will not pester Skater about his badfic past.
- And if I cannot control my curiosity, I will not press charges against him for loss of limbs.
1841. I will not tease Agent Thoth about his relationship with Agent Derik unless I want to become a splotch on the wall.
- I will not tease Agent Thoth at all. Space Marines do not have a sense of humor that they are aware of.
- For that matter, I will not tease Agent Derik, either. He might laugh, but he might also garrote me with a guitar string while doing it. It's not worth the risk.
1842. I will not sleep with canon characters.
- No, not even if they look exactly like their recruited character replacements. I am not fooling anyone by claiming a case of "mistaken identity."
1843. I will not clone or otherwise create alternates of Captain Jack Harkness. There are too damn many of them in HQ as it is.
1844. If I get into a chase scene in Headquarters, I will not complain when I run into the fruit cart and/or the plate glass window.
1845. I may not assassinate Jonathan Levinson (Buffy the Vampire Slayer). While he may technically qualify as a Gary Stu in the episode "Superstar," he is still a canon character, and he gets better.
1846. A copy of The Monster Book of Monsters makes a terrible gift. If I give one anyway, I will accept full responsibility for the consequences.
1847. I will not show the Notary the entire List of Things I Am Not Allowed to Do in the PPC. True, if anyone can organize it and clean up all the redundancies, it's her, but it might make her brain overheat and explode.
- That is not a good reason to do it anyway.
1848. I will not play Benny Hill music in the hallway, even if there are no chase scenes currently happening, for fear of tempting the Ironic Overpower.
1849. Aliens, magnets, 42, a wizard did it, and quantum are heretofore unacceptable answers to any question. Even if they would be correct.
1850. I will not argue with any pregnant PPC agent. Most of them are a little homicidal to begin with.
- I will not mock the food cravings of any pregnant PPC agent, even if they are super weird or gross.
1851. I am not allowed to break down a wall of my RC and claim it was "remodeling." My spurious work request was already turned down by Building Maintenance, and they will not be amused when they have to clean up my mess.
- If I hurt myself doing amateur construction work, I have no one to blame but myself.
1852. Hatchets are strictly forbidden in the PPC Hunger Games. If I am the Mysterious Hatchet Sponsor, I will stop sending them already, for the love of Glod.
1853. I must not lock the Aviator and the Detective in a room with a bunch of alcohol and tell them to "get it on already."
- Or Farilan and Ilraen.
- Or Derik and Thoth.
- Or Derik and Gall and Thoth.
- Or Allanya and Feloriel.
- Allanya doesn't drink, anyway.
- In fact, no doing this to any group of people, no matter how much the obvious tension between them needs to be resolved.
- Married couples don't need locking in a room either.
1854. I will not organise deathmatches between the Bakshi and Jackson versions of Lord of the Rings characters.
- It wouldn't be fair anyway; Jackson Legolas would just shoot them all with his infinite arrows.
- This goes for the Rankin-Bass versions too.
- Yes, and the Amazon ones when they show up.
- The OFUM versions are right out.
1855. I will not dye my hair white, put on a moustache and sunglasses, and wander around claiming to be Stan Lee's cameo.
- I especially will not do this while on a mission.
1856. I will not spam the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do list with repetitive entries.
1857. I will not spam the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do list with repetitive entries.
1858. I will not spam the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do list with repetitive entries.
1859. I will not spam the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do list with rep--
- I will not allow Agent Orinoco access to the List ever again. ~Aella
1860. Just because he did it in canon as a con attempt to get somewhere doesn't mean I'm allowed to joke about a potential relationship between Harry Dresden and Thomas Raith.
1861. No matter how cool Deadpool makes it look like, I'm not allowed to 'clean up the timeline' of canon works.
- No, not even Green Lantern.
- Deadpool is already doing it anyways, do you really want to get in his way?
- Hey, I wouldn't mind bringing someone with me for that. They just have to bring chimichangas.
1862. I will not try to flirt with Agent Kat in front of her brother.
1863. I will not try to talk to Agent Edward when he is in a bad mood.
- Or even in an acceptable mood.
1864. I will not make any uncomplimentary remarks about birds in the hearing of Agent Kat.
1865. Giving a Flower plant food as a holiday present is only funny once.
1866. DoSAT is trained to fix consoles, CADs, and other PPC tech. Agent Evie, despite her intelligence and occasional technopathy, is not.
- Also, do you really want a GLaDOS expy toying with your machines?
1867. No matter how poetic it would be, I am not to give a RWBY Sue to Cinder, Salem, or Adam Taurus for assassination.
1868. There is no such thing as workman's comp in the PPC, and attempting to bring it up to the Flowers will only get me punishment.
- Even if I am a lawyer, not allowed to ask Legal for help creating a workman's comp fund.
1869. I will not spike Lux's drinks.
- With anything.
- Even if it isn't an aphrodisiac.
- Ethics aside, Lux is enough of a handful already without getting her high.
1870. If I'm going to be using Bleeprin and alcohol as makeshift grenades, I had better know what I'm doing.
1871. Yes, Nurse Falloren's jacket is eye-straining as all get-out. No, that does not mean stealing it and embroidering over each stripe in a corresponding Sue color is an acceptable prank.
1872. Sarah has a nest in the courtyard for a reason. Messing with it will probably end with me having an angry phoenix hot on my heels.
1873. I will not teach the Normal-Sized Temmies to swear.
- Even if I'm not intentionally teaching them anything, I will watch my language around the Normal-Sized Temmies.
- PPC agents have enough sanity-breaking fuvg to deal with already. Lolspeak swearwords are unnecessary.
1874. I will not paint any minis urple.
- I will not paint any minis wilver.
- I will not paint any minis any Sue color.
1875. Locking Lux and Ava in a room may get them out of everyone else's hair for a while, but it's probably not a good idea anyway. The IO would make sure at least one of them gets called for a mission.
- Starting a betting pool on who'll wear the other one out first is right out.
- Same goes for any two infamously ubeal agents.
1876. I will not purposefully create minis.
- No matter how much I want a pet.
1877. No matter how desperate I am for a break, if I don't actually need to get hauled off to FicPsych, I will not arrange for it to happen. The nurses are busy enough already.