Part XXI of the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at the PPC List, comprising entries 1378-1444.
Cross-posted from the Board on February 21, 2012.
1378. I will not get into a brawl within a hundred meters of Discord's statue.
- However strong the spell is now, I do not want to take the risk.
1379. I will not address Tisroc Rabadash as "Rabid Ass." This is for my own safety.
1380. I will not engineer a meeting between any G4 pony and any incarnation of theirs from a previous generation.
1381. I will not engineer a meeting between G1 Applejack and Derpy Hooves.
- Because the resulting disaster will probably lay waste to Dream Valley and Equestria both.
1382. I will not block Voldemort's path with a pile of rotten banana peels.
- No matter how amusing the ensuing pratfall would be.
1383. I am not allowed to portal anyone of Durin's line to D'ni.
- The Balrog is right out.
1384. I will not make Fluttershy cry.
1385. I will not use Calvin's Duplicator on myself.
1386. I will not mix up Mrs. Cake from Ankh-Morpork with Mrs. Cake from Ponyville.
1387. Under no circumstances am I to portal Discord to the Enterprise-D, Voyager, or to Deep Space Nine.
1388. I will not maroon Captain Jack Harkness on H'nemthe.
- I will not maroon Captain Jack Harkness with Captain Jack Sparrow.
1389. I will not let Susan Sto Helit take her writing class to a modern state bureau of investigation. (Except for the part where I already did.)
1390. I will not ask why everyone is suddenly obsessed with ponies, which are kid-sized, rather than horses, which have a much longer, more interesting history. I will pretend to understand why this is for my own safety.
1391. I will not give new PPC members plastique any more. (I used to, but nobody ever used it.)
1392. I will not let a plot bunny escape.
1393. Jim Moriarty and Russia must never, ever, ever be allowed to meet.
- The Joker is right out.
- If I do so, I will make sure that the two Americas never meet.
- If they do, I will take full responsibility for the resulting hamburger-related destruction.
1395. I will not steal America's glasses while claiming to pick up the Texas Revolution where it left off.
- Seriously, he has super strength. That's just stupid.
1396. Princess Celestia is not the nation-tan of Equestria.
1397. I will refrain from singing "The Nations of the World" in the presence of the Hetalia characters.
- I will also refrain from teaching Italy "The Pasta Song" from Animaniacs.
- Because Germany will kill me.
1398. I will not attempt to build a monorail in Ponyville, nor will I sing about it.
1399. I will not challenge the Dragonborn to a shouting contest.
1400. I shall not suggest that Agent Alice attend any HQ fancy dress parties as a pony.
1401. I will not ask Lux if she wants a date, and then hand her the fruit. She'll figure out something kinky to do with it.
1402. I am not allowed to borrow the Wolfram, Esquad Hückebein, or any other Nanoha ships that have world-destroying weaponry on them.
- Anything with Arc-en-ciel capabilities is Right Out.
1403. I will not allow the Vord and the Zerg to meet.
- Luxury is not allowed to spend any time alone with the Marat women of the Horse Tribe.
- In fact, let's never let Lux meet any female Marat in any situation.
1404. The Skinwalker from The Dresden Files will not be used as an execution method, for the same reason we don't use Reavers.
1405. I will not disorganize anything belonging to Twilight Sparkle, hide while she finds and fixes it, then repeat until Lesson Zero happens again.
1406. I will not even try to keep Pinkie Pie and Deadpool from meeting—it's not even worth trying anymore.
1407. The Escape Tower from Phineas and Ferb, GLaDOS, and HAL 9000 are never to meet.
1408. Use of a Meme Jukebox to distract canons is not a good idea unless you're good at catching Lolcats.
1409. I will not introduce any incarnation of any Sherlock Holmes characters to each other.
1410. I am not allowed to punch Mini McGuinness in the face.
- No, "just once" is not valid either.
1411. The PPC will not be greatly improved by the addition of several hundred strippers.
- No, not even if Luxury said so.
1412. I am not allowed to take any Talking Horse to Ponyville.
- I will not introduce Bree to G1 Applejack.
1413. Balrogs do not make good birthday presents.
- Minis might, but not actual Balrogs.
1414. I am not allowed to summon Eris.
1415. Just because an agent or canon is a My Little Pony does not mean that they are my little pony.
1416. I will not smuggle cider to said pony agents for exorbitant profit.
- I will not smuggle cider to anyone for exorbitant profit.
- Not even for marginal profit.
- There is no such thing as free cider.
1417. Species with three fingers are not flipping me off when they point at things.
1418. I will not give an Alakazam a spork instead of a spoon.
- I will not give Mewtwo a giant spork in lieu of his giant spoon.
1419. I am not allowed to jettison Templars from Thedas in the middle of Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry.
1420. I will not attempt to put lipstick on a turian.
- I will not attempt to put lipstick on an elf.
- I will not attempt to put lipstick on anyone who is not myself.
- Unless they like that sort of thing.
1421. I am not allowed to give anybody from Fahrenheit 451 an iPhone.
- Or show them Facebook.
1422. I am not allowed to bring BEN into PPC HQ.
1423. I will not engineer a meeting between either Discord, HIM (from The Powerpuff Girls), the Joker, or Eris (from The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy).
- If I do, I am to be held responsible for the chaos that ensues.
- Haruhi Suzumiya is not to be involved either.
1424. Sir Samuel Vimes is never to meet the Joker.
- Or Dexter.
1425. I will not paint Alice like a My Little Pony.
- Cutie Marks are right out.
1426. I will stop playing strip poker with other agents.
- Especially when Agent Luxury is around.
1427. I will not start a sneaking match in HQ between Solid Snake, Sam Fisher and Gabe Logan.
- If I do, I will be held responsible for every instance of Otacon screaming "Snake? Snake? SNAKEEEEEE!" on HQ's speaker network.
- Finding them to take them back to their own continua would be impossible.
1428. I will not start a fight between Nanoha Takamachi and Marisa Kirisame either. The ensuing beamspam would prove fatal to HQ, and the ensuing Maintenance rage would prove fatal to me.
- Nanoha versus RX-78-02 Gundam is right out. Although it would be awesome.
1429. I am not allowed to hide in a box and startle fellow agents.
- Especially if their home continuum is Metal Gear.
1430. I will NOT give Alice a bouquet of Poison Joke.
1431. I will not bring a newbie agent to the Discworld and try to feed them Dibbler's food.
- I will not feed C.M.O.T. Dibbler's food to *anyone*, for that matter.
1432. I will not attempt to domesticate a Baneling.
- Not even with a Hive Mind Emulator.
- Nor shall I hug a Baneling, either.
- No matter how squishy they look.
1433. I will not use the Dead Ringer to fake my death in HQ.
- Not even if it is meant to be a joke.
- Even if it does make a good party trick.
1434. I will not use my partner's Glaceon as an ice pack.
1435. I will not let debeaked headcrabs loose in the hallways.
1436. I will not ÜberCharge anybody who does not have the Über implant and a baboon-sized heart.
- Except for Sues.
1437. I will not distract Daring Do when she's navigating a tomb.
1438. I will not claim the One Ring as my own.
1440. I am not allowed to persuade non-human agents to perform embarrassing actions by passing them off as "human rites of passage." This includes the Macarena, the Tuca Tuca, and the Electric Slide.
- It also includes drinking one's own body weight in anything alcoholic.
- Or reading The Eye of Argon, with or without helium.
1441. Since it's not confirmed in canon, I am not permitted to test whether nation-tans actually do have their fanon healing factors by hitting them. Particularly since they're likely to hit back, and even the ones who aren't America are probably much stronger than me.
1442. The Disturbing Acts of Violence Department is called such because they are meant to prevent disturbing acts of violence, not to perform them.
1443. I will not ask Dean Winchester for a hug. I'll only get a smartass response.
1444. I will not open a World Gate inside a portal.
- Or mix RA-produced portals with Portal-verse portals.
- In fact, I will not mix ANY portaling technologies without permission from DoSAT.
- If I do, I will be responsible for fixing the consequences.