Part XIX of the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at the PPC List, comprising entries 1260-1321.
Cross-posted from the Board on August 12, 2011.
1260. I will not talk another agent into booking a flight with Chameleon Tours.
- Nor will I do that to Mary Sues. We do not want sparkly, urple Chameleons.
1261. I will not use the Holy Hand Grenade on General Woundwort.
1262. Setting a gasoline can next to the Little Match Girl is Not Funny.
1265. Sauron. Nuclear weapons. Just no.
1266. I will not harass Agent Cadmar with the Jaws theme.
1268. Daisycutters are forbidden in HQ.
1269. If Rose/Ross walks by with a rat on their shoulder, I will not mention the black plague.
- If I do, I will not roll my eyes at their explanation of the difference between domestic rats and wild, and the difference between the Black Death and the Bubonic Plague.
1270. I will not touch Azraelle.
- Unless I am a judo master.
- Not even then.
1271. I will not paint eyes on my fingers and give a devil-horns to Andalite agents, claiming to have eye-stalks.
- The scythes on their tails are not just for show.
1272. I will not bring home "A Preƒent from Ankh-Morpork."
1273. I am not Mrs. Cake.
- Or Ludmilla.
1274. I am not allowed to work in the HQ kitchen.
1275. I may not redecorate the inside of my TARDIS to look like a yurt.
1276. I will not give catnip tea to feline agents.
1277. I will not cause an Emergency.
1278. I will not go into the halls selling "Makes-Things Lives!" T-shirts.
- Nor the Cafeteria.
- Nor the Lounge.
- "Makes-Things Lives!" merchandise is banned from HQ.
1279. I will not kidnap any of the school-aged Severus Snapes and feed him cookies.
- Or biscuits.
- Or scones.
- Or pie.
- Cupcakes are right out.
1280. I will not remind Good Omens' Hastur that he's not as powerful as HP Lovecraft's Hastur. He may not be an Elder God, but as a Duke of Hell he's still more than able to kick my ass.
1281. Giving a new partner an orange shirt and telling them "can't talk to orange" is not allowed.
1282. I am not allowed anywhere near the SCP Foundation.
1283. SCP-682 is not a valid way to deal with Mary Sues. Yes, it would be a good way to get rid of them, but the Foundation staff would notice.
1284. On that note, no SCP is a valid method of executing Sues. As before, the Foundation would notice, and the consequences would not be good.
1285. No, being an intern does not automatically make one a target.
- Especially not for any of the following: Beethoven's 5th Symphony, any kind of opera, Tom Bombadil's poetry, or food from the Cafeteria.
1286. I am not allowed to read badfic to Hex.
1287. I am not allowed to replicate any of the items on Skippy's List, whether they made it onto the list or not.
- Especially not throwing squid pies into the SO's face.
- Or filling the SO's office with inflatable sheep.
1288. No, the German lyrics to IAMX's song "Bernadette" do not in fact translate as a sure-fire spell of any kind. Yes, it might be good for scaring Sues, but it won't make the SO give me time off.
1289. Rammstein's music will not annihilate anything in front of the speakers if played loud enough.
- Except maybe the eardrums of unfortunate bystanders.
1290. I will not let Agent Keily Shinra anywhere near Agent Corolla. While the scene would be cute and somewhat funny at the same time, Agent Sergio Turbo wouldn't take kindly to Keily's attempts of kidnapping and adopting his partner.
1291. I will not steal cars from various canons to organize a demolition derby in HQ.
- We all know that KITT would win. It helps when you have a nearly invulnerable compound sprayed all over the body.
1292. I will not remove any quarian's mask in the Mass Effect continuum.
- I will especially not do it if said quarian is Tali'Zorah vas Normandy/Neema nar Rayya, and especially not if she is my Lust Object.
1293. I will not hack into a C-Sec terminal for any reason.
1294. I will not "embrace eternity" with any asari. Ever.
1295. Air quoting is only memetic when the turian councilor does it.
1296. I will not headbutt a krogan.
1297. I will not write bad shipping fics about my fellow agents.
- No, not even for people who legitimately have a thing for each other.
- Especially not if I plan to show the fics to the agents in question.
1298. I will not brag about setting the console so that it plays the Imperial March instead of beeping.
- Nor will I complain when the Laws of Narrative Comedy change it back again, and with a volume upgrade to boot.
1299. Background NPCs in video games do not make good recruits.
1300. No trying to write a Linking Book to HQ.
- Especially if your previous attempts self-destructed.
- And absolutely do not give one to Gehn, Sirrus, or Achenar.
- Yes, we know that Achenar has reformed and repented. We still don't want to let him into HQ.
1301. I will not make urple, bled, crimsun, or other Sue color spray paint.
- Especially if I intend on spray-painting penises all over HQ.
1302. I will not talk about anyone's plump virgin breasts.
- I will not spray paint that all over HQ, either.
1303. Stalking other agents ala Belarus is a Bad Idea. They are very paranoid people and most know how to use flamethrowers.
1304. No one in HQ wants to become one with me. Or Mother Russia.
1305. Acting like a weeaboo will end in Pain.
1307. Talking in a Tommy Wiseau accent is a Bad Idea.
- Unless something is really "Tehing you apaht!"
1308. My Junior Year travel partner is not a Mary Sue.
- Regardless of the incredibly long, silky hair, spectacular singing voice, amazing drawing skills, perfect figure, eyes that magically changed from brown to green upon puberty, ability to dance well, speaking French, Irish, Spanish, and Elvish, ability to write and play songs on any one of her seven guitars, claims to being a druid priestess, wildly shifting mood, ability to make everyone (including me) love her, regardless of her wildly shifting moods, and the fact that All my crush are belong to her.
- Actually, that's a pretty convincing argument.
- Regardless, I am not allowed to report her to the PPC.
- Nor am I allowed to attempt to slay her myself.
1309. Charles Augustus Milverton must NEVER be introduced to Photoshop.
1310. I will not portal Antigonus from The Winter's Tale to Care-a-Lot.
1311. Kroll and Cthulhu must never be allowed to meet.
1312. I will not give the Gems with Insulting Lines to a Hippogriff.
1313. I will not give the Celestial Toymaker a copy of Spore.
- Or Portal.
- I Wanna Be the Guy is right out.
1314. I will not portal Tobias from Animorphs to Nephelococcygia.
1315. Lucky Luke is not Luxy Luke.
1316. I will not give my partner a choice of "either Care Bears or No-Drool."
1317. Fluffy from Harry Potter is NOT Cerberus from Greek Myth, and I will not tell people that he will only attack you if you try to leave his room. He will attack you even if you try to enter.
1318. I won't keep telling other agents that "The Force is strong with them." It is no longer encouraging or helpful.
- I will especially not tell it to hopeful recruits who ask how they did. It only gives them false hope.
- Not even to agents from the Star Wars continuum. Even if the Force actually IS strong with them. It could make them reckless, and good agents are hard to come by.
- I will not test this theory out in any way, shape or form.
- Especially on my partner.
- In fact, I will not preform magic out-of-continuum at all.
1320. Telling a Mary Sue to open a Bag of Holding is only funny once. The mess it creates isn't funny at all.
1321. I will not use house-elves as a way to travel. They are used enough.
- Especially Kreacher.
- Doubly so if you don't wipe their memories.