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Part XII of the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at the PPC List, comprising entries 968-1029.

Originally posted to the PPC LJ Community, here, May 18, 2009.


968. I am not allowed to play with Galouye-verse Collector Rings in HQ.

969. I will not pit Reavers against Taxxons to "see what happens."

970. I will not give newbies directions in HQ.

971. I will not have acrobats perform in Escher Rooms.

972. Davros is not a Page Three Stunner.

973. I will not turn King Kong loose on Coruscant.

974. I'm not allowed to feed a Dalek to Croonkshanks.

- He'll only throw it back up.

975. Having a TARDIS and Time Turner together in a small space is a Very Bad Idea.

976. I am not allowed to Avada Kedavra Jack Harkness for my own amusement.

977. It is especially cruel to transfigure a pear into a banana, then offer the transfigured pear to then Doctor.

- Nor may I take a picture of his facial expression and post it around HQ.

978. Capt. Jack Harkness and Sirius Black are never to meet.

- EVER.

979. WMDs are my last resort, not my first.

980. I will not remove the eyes of canon characters, even if they have been repeatedly referred to as a variety of precious or semi-precious gem.

- Especially if the description is a canon one.

981. I will not replace the guns in a military canon with convincing replicas.

- Nor will I replace them with flowers that I got a Potterverse agent to transfigure into guns.

982. I will not drag my fanbrat alter-ego out of an OFU and into the PPCing of a fic she wrote.

- Not even if she deserves it.

983. I will not juggle with swords, daggers, knives or any other bladed object if I don't know what I'm doing.

- Or fire.

984. I am not allowed to spike any of the Flowers' fertilizer with alcohol.

985. Even if it would get me out of an awful mission.

986. I am not allowed to get my partner drunk.

987. Nor am I allowed to get any canon character drunk.

988. I am not allowed to get anyone drunk at all.

- Unless it is their birthday, or we think it's their birthday, and they are at HQ, in which case all bets are off.

989. I am not a stripper and no one will pay to see me strip my uniform off in any of the auditoriums.

990. I am also not a dresser, and people will also not pay for that.

991. Not even if it involves seven veils.

- Besides, that would give Luxury ideas.

992. The printing equipment for the Multiverse Monitor is not meant for printing large posters in order to give my RC "a bit of color."

993. I am not allowed to ask if any of the robotic or android agents will do the robot for me.

- It's demeaning.

994. On the subject of robots, I am not allowed to wear cardboard boxes and pester said robots/androids while going "beep boop beep."

- Or going "beep bop beep boop."

995. I am not allowed to arrange large bouquets of regular flowers and send them to the Flowers.

996. Alternately, I'm not allowed to dress regular plants up in clothes, and set said regular plants in their respective counterpart Flower's office, and set up a camcorder in there to see how many agents fall for it.

997. I will not ask the SO who makes his suits.

- The cut and fit would be totally wrong for me anyways.

998.The God-Emperor of Dune and the God-Emperor of Mankind must never meet.

- Or we will kill you messily before the inevitable Thirty Xanatos Pileup ensues.

999. The Necrons are not to meet with the Daleks.

- Or the Cybermen.

- Or the Borg.

1000. You are forbidden to exchange the Nightbringer with the Grim Reaper.

1001. Mumm-Ra the Ever-Living and Imhotep must never meet.

1002. No Ultimate Showdowns of Ultimate Destiny. Ever.

- Except between two Sues from the same fic.

1003. I will not release the Flood in HQ. They take too long to kill.

1004. I will not attempt to upload a virus into the Borg Collective.

1005. I will not use binary explosives to kill a single Sue.

- Large groups are okay, though

1006. Thermonuclear weapons are not toys.

1007. My partner is not to be used for target practice.

- That's why we have a firing range.

1008. Residents of Camelot in the BBC's Merlin do not eat ham and jam and spam a lot.

- And I am not to look scornfully at the castle and declare it to be "only a model."

- Neither am I to try and rouse the citizenry to overthrow Uther and become an "anarcho-syndicalist commune."

- Morgana may have "huge ... tracts of land," but this does not mean I should point it out.

- I am not to follow Arthur around banging coconuts together.

- In fact, Merlin and Monty Python and the Holy Grail are not easily confused and I should refrain from deliberately doing so in the mistaken belief that I am being hilarious.

1009. I am not a Priestess of the Old Religion and therefore I am not allowed to invoke the Power of Life and Death Itself OR to wear a slinky maroon dress and be ambiguously, seductively insane.

1010. Killing Uther Pendragon in order to accelerate the crowning of Arthur as king is not allowed.

- Not even if you think Arthur looks better in a crown.

- Especially not even if you think the removal of Uther is all it will take to get Merlin to confess all about his magic and somehow end up in Arthur's enormous bed.

- If you think that's likely to happen, you have been reading too much Merlin/Arthur slash.

- Look, Arthur's actually quite keen on his dad, weirdly, despite the obvious issues, and Merlin's already turned down one opportunity to get him killed. It's a bad idea, all right?

- Plus if they find you you'll have someone "trained to kill from birth" and his protectively homicidal warlock manservant after you.

1011. I must not refer to Uther as "King Giles."

1012. Swords are to be held in the hand during use, not thrown. They are not aerodynamically suited to being projectile weaponry. If I attempt to throw them around, I will only end up cutting my own appendages off.

- Unless I am in the Merlinverse, in which case I may fling them at Sues with gay abandon.

1013. Eragon is not welcome in Pern or Amara.

1014. Feathers McGraw and Nemo, Marlin, and Dory must never be allowed to meet.

1015. I will not try to destroy a canon universe with a Reality Bomb, be it a Dalek or Krikket bomb.

- Not even Twilight.

- Or Eragon.

1016. The TARDIS is not a toy. It will be treated with the respect due to all PPC equipment.

1017. I will not replace a Dalek's gunstick with an egg whisk.

- Unless it's a character replacement or a Sue.

1018. I will not use planet killers every mission. It is highly unlikely that this would be necessary.

1019. I will not suggest that any group of orcs be given extra-large condoms and lessons on abstinence.

- Especially within earshot of agents who have read "C***b***n."

- Especially if the group of orcs in question lives in the Misty Mountains.

1020. I will not introduce Túrin Turambar and Marvin the Paranoid Android.

- The combined angst could create a black hole.

1021. I will not give Ron Weasley a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster and tell him that it's firewhisky.

- No matter how funny his expression would be.

1022. I do not have the ability to cause Sues to spontaneously combust by glaring at them.

- Consequently, I will not sulk when this doesn't work.

1023. I will not lock the Nazgûl in a room with nine Dementors and videotape what happens.

- Nor will I attempt to sell the footage of said event.

1024. I will not attempt to club a hobbit!Sue to death with a potato. It doesn't work.

- However, a pot of potato stew does.

1025. I will not set any number of mûmakil loose in HQ.

- Especially if I've dyed them pink.

- Or bright yellow.

- Urple is right out.

1026. When newbies are within earshot, I will not pretend to argue with an invisible creature named Fluffy about it not being allowed to eat people.

- Nor will I break off arguing, smile at the newbies, and ask them if they want to pet Fluffy.

- Nor will I tell them that "She's harmless. Really. Who needs limbs, anyway?"

1027. I will not try to bribe a DoSAT agent to program the consoles of agents I don't like to play the Barney Song.

- Or "It's a Small World."

- Or any other really annoying song.

- Even if I really, really don't like them and I don't mind the song in question.

1028. I will not ask Rita Skeeter if she lives in a yellow submarine.

- Or how life goes on.

- I will definitely not ask her if she is the walrus.

1029. I will not use a fluid link from my TARDIS as an excuse to explore a city.

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