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Part XI of the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at the PPC List, comprising entries 864-967.

Originally posted to the PPC LJ Community, here, February 27, 2009.


864. Chucky and Talky Tina must never be allowed to meet.

865. Shockeye and Pac-Man must never be allowed to meet.

866. I will not create holograms of macroviruses in the corridors.

- If I do, I understand that I thoroughly deserve whatever the other agents do to me.

867. I will not steal Narsil/Andúril.

868. I will not unleash furries in Watership Down.

- Or Redwall Abbey.

869. I will not goad anyone into fisticuffs with a Dalek.

- Except a Mary Sue.

870. I will not goad a Ghostling into fisticuffs with anyone.

- Except if said Ghostling is a Mary Sue.

871. I must remember that, during the PPC's Quidditch matches, accidentally taking out Lux is not a good idea. It only makes her think she likes you.

872. I will not genderbend agents in the hall, it just confuses them.

873. I will not induce mass genderbending of PPC HQ just to see if it will work on the Flowers.

- Do we even want to find out what would happen?

874. I will not give Agent Pads any exploding cigarettes, especially if I value my life.

875. I will not substitute Twilightverse vampires for their incidentally-named kin in any other continuum.

- Nor will I leave agents who are unfamiliar with Meyers' vampires alone with a TwiVampireSue and a stake.

- Or garlic.

- It will not end well.

876. I will not recruit canon characters to make difficult kills for me. —Agent Iza

877. My disguise generator is a sensitive piece of equipment and so I will not whack it against my console when it "accidentally" gives me fur.

- Or feathers.

- Fangs are acceptable.

- My console is a sensitive piece of equipment and so I will not hit it with any random objects when it fails to give me a brain-safe mission.

- Or a secret holiday to my paradise of choice.

878. I will not blow up canon planets.

- Even if they're populated by Canon Sues.

879. I will not use Kurotsuchi Mayuri's Super Human formula to incapacitate a Sue before assassination. Torture is not allowed.

880. I will not dance down the corridors singing "I Am What I Am" at full volume.

- Especially if my singing voice has been likened to a car being crushed.

881. I must not spike Edward Cullen's animal blood with human blood.

- Nor that of any other vegetarian vampire.

- Especially Jasper.

- Nor will I try to slip rabbit blood into the meals of the Volturi.

- They'll notice.

882. I will not set up a death match between a Twilightverse vampire and any incarnation of Wolverine, Lady Deathstrike or X-23.

883. I will not start or participate in Pokémon battles in the corridors of HQ.

884. If I am ever in the Pokémonverse for a mission, I will not seek out Ash or any of his friends for a Pokémon battle.

- Unless it is to distract them from the assassination of a Sue.

- Likewise, I will only challenge Sues to Pokémon battles in order to distract them from my partner's approach from behind.

885. I will not disguise myself as a Goa'uld if the majority of the fic takes place in the SGC.

- On the same note, disguising myself as a Wrath in Atlantis is also a bad idea.

886. Maito Guy and Bruce Armstrong must never be allowed to meet.

- Unless the purpose is to destroy a Sueworld with the ensuing explosion of youthful energy.

887. I will remember to frisk any Kender agents before return to HQ for items "lost" on the mission.

- And return them to their rightful owners

888. I will not tell Agent Pads about OFUR Gabool.

- If I do, I will not let her portal there.

- If I do let her portal there, I will explain to Trojie why her partner has just raided Gabool's stash.

889. I will not spike Agent Trojanhorse's food or drink with Lustin and lock her in a room with Agent Luxury.

- Locking her in a room with Agent Paddlebrains is also out.

- If I do, then I will accept that the wrath of Agent Trojanhorse and her menagerie is my own fault and will not complain when I am stuck in the infirmary with an exorcism bell stuffed up my nether regions.

890. I will not stick Lori Starrett and Laura Roslin in a room together.

- Especially if I slash them together.

- Especially if I value my life, because both Bill Adama and Bill Fallis will want my head on a silver platter.

891. I will not mess with Bill Adama and Laura Roslin in front of Agents Christianne and Eledhwen.

- Nor will I mention vampires and Battlestar Galactica in the same sentence.

- Or the name "Starlight Amoret Adama."

- Or the fic "Kindred: The Embraced ~Vampire Waltz~".

- If I must, I will refer to the title as "Battlestar Twilightica."

892. I will not attempt to airlock a PPC agent.

- Or a Flower.

- Or my partner.

- Or the Uncommon Comma.

- In fact, airlocking should be reserved for BSG Mary Sues.

893. I will not go around claiming that I am the daughter/son of Laura Roslin and Bill Adama.

894. Cylons and Daleks should never meet. Never.

895. I shall not jump in a TARDIS and attempt to go to the Galactica.

- Especially if I'm not on a mission nor on vacation.

- Especially if all I want to do is slap Gaeta and Zarek and squee at Roslin and Adama.

896. Even if it is labeled Dis Continuity by TV Tropes, you will not regard any novel/OVA/episode/misc as uncanonical unless the writer said so.

- Yes, that includes the Dune prequels (and sequels), the New Jedi Order series, and the Disney direct-to-video movies.

897. You will not allow a Honored Matre inside HQ. Ever.

898. You will not subject anyone to the Spice Agony.

- Even if the subject is likely to survive it.

899. Doctors Crell Moset, Demagol and Jenna Zan Arbor are never to be allowed to meet.

- The same goes for any other doctors and scientists of their brand of cruelty.

900. If anybody has wound up in the same room as Agent Cavan Shenn, I will not lock the door on them.

- He can lock the door on his own, thanks all the same.

- I'm not to lock anybody in with Luxury, either, even to keep her from chasing me.

901. I will not engage in drinking contests with members of species that have more than one liver, unless I am similarly equipped.

902. No matter how balloon-like that canon superheroine's chest is, pins will not make her deflate. I will not experiment in this matter.

- It is acknowledged that attempting to deflate Sues may still be considered amusing.

903. I am not the long-lost Hair Washing Servant of Severus Snape.

904. Glitter is not a food condiment.

905. Unless I have found a coherent and efficient alternate means of communication, I will refrain from taking vows of silence.

- Interpretive dance does not count as an alternate means of communication.

906. Unless there is actually a location requiring it, a ballerina costume is not a suitable disguise for my mission.

907. No, I can't shave the Wookiee.

908. I am not to steal Wash's dinosaurs.

- If I do, I deserve whatever Zoe does to me.

909. My partner's eyebrows are not challenging me to a duel.

910. Most agents from the Trekverse have already had "The Sexy Data Tango" inflicted upon them. I will not force them to endure repeat hearings.

- I will never, never, never play that song where Data, Tasha Yar or any other canon character can hear it.

911. I am not a Barbie Girl, the PPC is not a Barbie World, and offers to "undress me everywhere" will lead to no sympathy whatsoever if Lux hears me.

912. Despite the name, it is still wrong to convince somebody to drink a Molotov cocktail.

- Unless they're a Sue.

913. I am to accept that I deserve both the stab wounds and the long litany of similar canon names if I imply Agent Shadowflame's name resembles that of a Sue.

- She has a long list from Star Wars history, and she's not afraid to use it.

914. NO, the Naruto tailed beasts do not belong in a petting zoo.

- Further inquiries will see you directed to FicPsych, in the worrying case that you're unable to see why this is a Very Bad Idea.

915. Even if I'm sure I'd do a better job, I am expressly forbidden from staging coups, mutinies or other takeovers to replace a canon character in a position of authority.

916. If I can't get the mission done without that inflatable barnyard animal, it's time I re-evaluated my grasp of PPC procedures.

917. My fellow agents are not there to be dissected.

- Even if I've never seen their like before.

- EvenEspecially if I have a "really interesting scientific theory."

918. I will not pit conventional vampire slayers against unconventional vampires.

- No. Buffy will not be fighting that Anzati. Ever.

- Axos is right out.

919. I will not recruit shady-looking OCs who use mind-affecting techniques on a regular basis.

- Especially not from the Star Wars universe.

- That goes double for weird old men claiming to be Jedi Masters.

- And kittens.

- If I do, I understand that ending up strapped to a bunk and surrounded by racks of furry creatures is the most probable outcome.

920. It is not necessary to destroy a planet to remove a Sue from the canon. Really.

921. Switching Spartans from Real Life/300 with those from the Haloverse is not funny.

- Leonidas with a rocket launcher is not something we want to have to deal with.

922. I will not attempt to create my own Daleks.

923. Shockeye is not to be allowed anywhere near the Cafeteria or kitchens thereof.

- Or any restaurant.

- Especially if anyone around suddenly looks older.

924. I will not serve anyone blimmet meat.

- Nor will I give them a blimmet coat to wear in the DragonKeeper Chronicles.

925. I will not recruit a Taxxon without giving it a species change.

926. I will not tamper with any TARDIS' chameleon circuit.

927. I will not recruit a Nazgûl.

928. Holby City ED is not a substitute for Medical, even if I do think that my injury is too embarrassing to explain to Doc Fitz.

- St. James' ED is also out of bounds.

- Nor am I to go to any other canonical hospital for treatment.

- Or to any World One hospital.

- No, not even if I neuralyze the entire department to remove any trace of my presence.

- If the injury was acquired in the continuum and the target is in that department, then that is okay.

929. Ronon Dex is not my "snuggle bunny."

930. I will not taunt the angry System Lord.

- Or the hungry Wraith Queen.

931. Traumatizing Amano Ginji in order to get him to toast all the Sues in the vicinity with lightning will result in an investigation of my sanity and capability, not to mention angry (armed) visits by fellow agents for harming a canon.

932. While photographs of Lee "Apollo" Adama in various stages of undress are acceptable currency in HQ, pieces of his clothing are not.

933. Revealing canonical crossdressers to other canons is usually in poor taste and/or dangerous to the canons. I will refrain from doing so unless it is necessary to the mission and I neuralyze them afterward.

934. The Sun Crusher is not a toy.

935. I will not conduct inappropriate science experiments in HQ.

- Unless it's my job.

- Even then, I understand that I will do it in the appropriate facilities only.

- The definitions of "inappropriate" and "appropriate" will be provided by someone who is not me.

- Or my equally insane partner.

- Or Agent Lux.

- In fact, better to let Upstairs define them.

936. I do not live in a musical. Therefore, I will refrain from bursting into a song and dance number when assassinating a Sue.

- Even if it's a songfic.

937. I am not to attempt to use anyone's ribcage for a hat.

- Nor anyone's head for a chamberpot.

- In fact, I am not allowed to carry out any canon character's graphic threats.

938. I will not genderbend Sabbat for fun. If I do, then my resulting death will be my own fault.

939. I will not allow Discworld's and/or Good Omens' Deaths into HQ.

- What do you mean they can get in here anyway? Who let them in?

- THERE IS NOWHERE I CANNOT GO.

940. I will not lock my partner in the Aperture Science Testing Center, no matter how inept she is.

941. I will not paint a mural on the HQ hallway wall in the blood of Mary Sues.

942. I will not attempt to rickroll HQ, especially if I think Rick Astley was hot and really dig the whole `80s vibe he's got going in that video.

943. I am not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions, nor can they go on my missions for me.

944. Attempting to subtly convince the canon characters that I am a child molester is. Not. Funny.

- Except in special situations. However, it makes it difficult to do your job if they don't trust you. Really.

945. I am not allowed to attempt to purchase any canon character's soul, nor am I allowed to set up a "slave trade."

- Even if I claim that it's a historical re-enactment.

946. Not allowed to join the Black Cats. Or the Sues. Or the fangirls.

947. I am not allowed to make posters of anti-Flower propaganda.

- Or flyers.

- Organizing protests is right out.

948. The Flowers may be plotting to steal Christmas, but I am still not allowed to organize a protest.

949. I am not authorized to fire Flowers.

946. Black body paint is NOT a uniform.

947. I am not the psychological warfare mascot, and therefore I may not conduct psychological experiments on the Flowers. Or other agents.

948. Any reports submitted with my blood on them will result in disciplinary action in the future.

- The Flowers do not even want to know how I managed to digitize my own blood.

949. I am not allowed to replace the No-Drool Videos with snuff flicks.

- Or pornos.

950. There is no monster living in the console.

951. I am not allowed to nickname the console "stupid b***." The monster will get offended.

952. I should not teach the Flowers gang handshakes.

953. "Best 2 out of 3" does not apply to missions.

954. A rubber band and a paperclip is not an authorized PPC weapon.

955. THE REVOLUTION IS NOT NOW, goddamnit.

956. If I insult an agent in another language, the advantage is lost if they're wearing a translator.

957. I may not jury rig a portal jammer and deploy it in HQ, or anywhere else for that matter.

958. Making canon characters cry is not what I was hired for.

959. No, I cannot get a pay supplement for every time a Sue annoys me.

960. I am not a "Ninja in Training," so hiding in the ceiling vents and jumping out at people is not allowed.

961. I am also not allowed to induce a panic attack in my partner by suggesting to her that perhaps there ARE no vents, and we should keep the door open to avoid suffocating to death.

962. The minis do not like tootsie rolls, which are bad for their health.

963. None of the vending machines are trying to kill me. Probably.

964. I am not allowed to play with liquid nitrogen.

965. I am not allowed to experiment with Bleeprin and ethyl alcohol.

966. I am not allowed to make a Molotov cocktail with a bottle of alcohol and some Bleeprin, even if I think it has a hilarious similarity to the Mentos and Coke experiment.

967. I am not allowed to threaten suicide with Pop Rocks and Coke, nor with Mentos and Coke.

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