Part VII of the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at the PPC List, comprising entries 431-514.
Originally posted to the PPC LJ Community, here, February 20, 2008.
431. Crazy Harry and Zeeky H. Bomb must never be allowed to meet.
432. Sweeney Todd and Titus Andronicus must never be allowed to meet.
433. I will not try to join the Mile High Club in Sirrus' rock ship.
434. I will allow Gabool anywhere near a belfry.
- Nor will I allow any change-ringing in his hearing.
- Playing a carillon for him is right out.
- As is taking him to the Submachine basement.
435. I will not sprinkle thumbtacks around Tadkeeta's bed.
- Or Five of Six's.
436. I will not lock any Baronet of Ruddigore in the Crimson Room.
- He would have to pass through the Veridian Room to get out and does not like ghosts.
437. I will not fake photos of Daleks in HQ.
438. I will not tell unsuspecting newbies to go to Arrakis to get fishing bait.
439. Even if it would be really, really cool, I will never allow Hercule Poirot and Brother Cadfael to meet.
440. I will never tell dinosaurs of the Land Before Time canon that any of the Flowers are "green food."
441. I will not allow Mrs. Lovett near the kitchen.
442. I will not ask Agent Murtagh if he knows the secrets of the Submachine.
- Nor will I ask him show me how to use a teleportation system other than HQ's.
- Especially not to sneak up on LOs.
- Or other agents.
- Or the Flowers.
443. I will not, under any circumstance, give Angua von Uberwald a silver necklace.
- Nor any of the were-agents.
- Or any werecreature.
- Unless it's a Sue.
444. I will never release aphids in HQ.
- No, no other kinds of herbivorous insects, either.
445. I will never again nominate Dafydd Illian for Agent of the Week or any other PPC related award or honor.
- Or any Illian.
- Or we won't blame Constance for her actions.
446. I will not steal Susan Sto Helit's chocolates.
447. I will not say that breaking any of these rules is a DEATH SENTENCE.
448. Pollination is not to be discussed when we think it's fall or spring.
- Especially not near the Flowers.
- Or any agent that deals with lemons too often.
- Or ever.
449. I will not intentionally shove Fitzwilliam Darcy into a pond in nothing but his shirtsleeves.
- Unless there is a camera readily available.
- Unintentionally is also fine.
450. I will not accuse the SO of deliberate and sadistic maliciousness.
451. I will not do this even when he has blatantly manipulated me into keeping a horrible job.
452. At least, I won't say it where he can hear it.
453. I will not tell Rupert Giles he looks good in a Mexican hat.
454. I will not play the overture from Phantom of the Opera on a fire organ.
- Nor will I give a fire organ to Davey Jones to install on the Flying Dutchman.
- Nor will I anonymously send one to a Flower.
455. I will not try to enact the song "The Battle of New Orleans."
- Nor will I try to enact "The Ultimate Showdown."
456. I am not allowed to do any of the things on this list.
457. I am not allowed to give a newbie a block of cesium disguised as a compact bath towel.
- Or as a piece of gum.
- Or as anything else compact and likely to be in contact with water.
- Disguised as a weapon to defeat Sues with, however, is acceptable as long as the weapon actually works.
458. I will not put Dr. Gregory House and Severus Snape into a room without any means of escape together.
459. I will not sing "And the Green Grass Grows All Around" to the Hippie Sequoia.
- Neither will I sing "Ratlin' Bog."
460. I will not give a newbie dynamite disguised as fire starter.
461. I will not flagrantly ignore all rules and regulations of the PPC.
462. I will not jinx my partner to trip every time she passes the doorway.
463. I will not invite the Batman, Ra's al Ghul, and Sherlock Holmes to a tea party.
464. I will not egg on Hercules and Achilles to fight each other.
465. I will not send a toilet seat to Ginny Weasley purporting to be from Fred and George Weasley.
466. I will not send a toilet seat to Mrs. Weasley purporting to be from Fred and George Weasley.
467. I will not answer every question asked me with "42."
468. I will not parade in front of my partner clapping coconuts together down the corridors of the PPC.
- I will not parade in front of anyone with a famous horse clapping coconut halves and pretending to be said famous horse.
469. I will not ask the Disney Princess Aurora and the Nazgûl to have a singing contest.
470. I will not present ANY dark lord (or lady) with the Dark Overlord List at ANY time.
471. I will not encourage Agent Stormsong to sneak up behind Cluny or Gabool and ring his exorcism bell really loudly, claiming that "maybe it'll help if you see someone else suffering death flashbacks for a change." One of these days he'll be stressed enough to actually try it.
472. Speaking of Agent Stormsong, he does not play requests, so I should stop asking.
- Especially not the Hedgehog Song.
- And it's a lute, not a banjo or a mutant guitar.
473. And while speaking of him, it really does bother him and Skyfire when I give out the co-ordinates to "Vengeance Quest" and encourage agents to go in and taunt the Nighthunt. Again.
- Even if it is fun.
- No, they're not laughing, really, that was a sigh of frustration.
474. Similarly, I should not encourage people to portal into badfics to which they were not assigned and sabotage the Sues.
- Particularly not bad lemons, especially when said sabotaging involves irritant substances applied to props.
- If I must do this, I will stick to missions to which I was specifically assigned.
475. Agent Drake is a fox, not a dog, therefore throwing sticks for him is rude on at least two levels.
- Even if he does fetch them.
476. When at the OFUR, I will stop mocking Stiffener Medick's name. This is for my personal safety. Boxing hares tend to be touchy, and are both stronger and faster than me.
467. El Goonish Shive's TF gun is not a toy.
- Variant #5 does not count as Mary Sue infection, therefore I should not attack those zapped with it.
- But it's still a bad idea to play with it.
- Particularly near Agent Luxury.
- Or any nonhumans who are primarily scent-oriented.
478. I will not bring the two lead characters of the webcomic Suicide For Hire into HQ. The title alone suggests this is asking for trouble.
- Speaking of which, I will stop referring to the assassins as "Sue-icide For Hire."
479. I will not trick newbies into portalling into dread R'lyeh.
- Nor into any fandom's version of Hell.
- Nor into Agent Luxury's room. (Trust me, there's a difference.)
480. I will refrain from sending fruit baskets to agents who deal with lemons on a daily basis.
481. I will not arrange for Disney characters and their sequel counterparts to "duke it out."
- Even when such a fight would be entertaining and extremely satisfying.
482. I will not make obscure references to Winry Rockbell sleeping with screwdrivers.
- Or wrenches.
- Or hammers.
- Or any tool of any sort.
483. I will not tell a newbie that Red Stones are rock candy.
- Or that Red Water is wine.
484. I will not try to see if a lightsaber will cut through mithril chain mail.
- Particularly when someone is wearing said chain mail.
- Both mithril and agents are, after all, hard to come by.
485. I will refrain from taking the Sun Crusher to Alagaësia and reducing the entire continuum to rubble.
- Even if Eragon is the ultimate Gary Stu.
- Likewise, I will refrain from portalling to Christopher Paolini's house and scaring the living daylights out of him.
486. I will not set the Homunculi in a fight against cursed pirates.
- Fights that can't be won get boring after a while.
487. I will not use alchemy to create new hallways and rooms and block off old ones in HQ.
- Even when it's debatable that anyone will even notice.
- Navigating HQ is hard enough as it is.
488. I will not bring Tohru Honda over to cheer up a depressed agent.
489. I will not anonymously gift a fire-organ to DOGA.
- It can only end in disaster.
- I can't send said fire-organ to DOGA even if I do say it's from me.
- I can't say it's from someone else either.
- Especially the Flowers.
- It is not even advisable to even hint to DOGA about the existence of said organ, its whereabouts or its abilities.
- DOGA does not require any extra pyrotechnical assistance to carry out their duties.
- Not even if you think that it would be cool.
- This does not mean I can donate a fire-organ to another department besides DOGA.
490. I will not unleash EP-607s anywhere.
491. Semi-Fic Blips may still retain some Suvian abilities. I will not persecute them for it.
- Conversely, if I am a former Sue/Stu/Ooh, I will not flaunt any Suvian abilities I may happen to retain.
492. I will not inquire as to the whereabouts of the Department of Internal Operations.
- If I do, I will not wonder where a few hours of my life went.
493. I will not arrange a meeting between Jack Sparrow and Leonia Tavira.
494. I will not spray a newbie with Aura of Smooth.
- Especially not in the presence of agents on the verge of going crazy.
495. I will not put nitroglycerin in the washing machines.
496. I will not pass Triffids off as department heads.
497. The Portal Gun is not a toy.
498. My console is not GLaDOS.
499. The cake may very well be a lie. Nevertheless, I may not sneak up behind new agents and whisper it to them when the Flowers call them to the office.
500. I may not take "Vera" to Arda.
501. I may not paint the Yellow Sign on my forehead and call it war paint.
- Nor may I dress up in yellow rags and a mask.
502. Sues are not permitted last requests of any kind. That's why Agent Cole's LAST partner retired!
- If you are inclined to forget this rule, ask the medical staff about Agent "Kneecap" Bailey.
503. Bullwhips are not a suitable replacement for any piece of equipment.
504. Lightsabers are not can openers.
505. I will not attempt to find out exactly how far down Abarai Renji's tattoos go.
- Nor will I do this to anyone else who has copious amounts of body tattoos.
- If I do, I will accept that being made to watch No-Drool Videos is my own fault.
506. I will not arrange trans-continuum prize fights. Not even between Aragorn and Luke Skywalker. Not even if I think I can make megabucks on the betting.
507. I will not attempt to see exactly how much squick Bad Slash agents can stand before they go all flamethrowery.
508. I will not portal unsuspecting newbies into "C*l*br**n" and leave them there.
- Even if they really deserve it.
- Really.
509. I will not taunt agents who suffer from Bloodwrath.
510. I will not engage Agent Trojie in a discussion on dinosaur biology, slash biology, or underage smutficcers who don't do research.
- If I do, I will remember that I only have myself to blame when the anatomical diagrams start getting waved around.
511. I will not try to pit the superweapons of two different sci-fi continua against each other.
- Unless a Sue is in the middle.
512. I will not wear a bikini around HQ unless I am SURE that Agent Luxury is on a mission, far, far away.
513. I will refrain from attempting to conduct all of my conversations in quotes from my fandoms.
514. I will not use what little spare time I have to stalk assassins round Ankh-Morpork in order to prove how much better I think I am.
- I will attempt not to look sheepish when they catch me at it.