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Part IX of the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at the PPC List, comprising entries 686-793.

Originally posted to the PPC LJ Community, here, August 16, 2008.


686. Bard I of Dale would be most unwelcome in Amara.

- Or Pern.

- Or Alagaësia.

- Túrin Turambar is not to go to any of the above either.

687. I will not build a planet around an alien horde.

688. I will not relentlessly goad an agent who suffers from the Bloodwrath.

689. Sonic screwdrivers may only be used for worksafe purposes.

690. I will not permit Madoc "El Rabioso" Branzillo and Madoc "El Zarco" Branzillo to cross paths.

691. I will not give Agent Madison a Doctor Who badfic if there are flammables in the area.

692. I will not try to ride the Corkscrew Cattail.

693. I will not call Jenny "Jenny Who."

694. I will not tell any K-9 to "forget it."

695. I will not let Sir Devin anywhere near the personnel files.

- Or the medical database.

696. I will not tell anyone to get their food from Ahnonay.

697. Jewel the Unicorn is not Charlie.

698. I will not try to recruit Davros for DoSAT.

699. I will not send anyone Legendary Badfic disguised as their favorite book.

700. I will not claim a Ring of Power as my own.

701. I will not lock Agent Stormsong in a small room with Agent Ansela and her bagpipes.

702. I will not lock Agent Risa in a room filled with reptiles.

- If I do I will take full responsibility for the resultant injuries

703. Kira Izura from Bleach is not Kira from Death Note. Therefore I will refrain from tying him up and dumping him in L's room with a note saying "I am Kira."

- Tying Kira up and kidnapping him for other reasons is also out.

704. Setsuna F. Seiei is not Yagami Light, therefore I should stop asking him to use his Death Note to kill Sues with.

705. Sentient Gundams do not belong in HQ. Especially not if they are Stus.

706. I will not try to set up a battle between Bashar Miles Teg and Grand Admiral Thrawn.

- They'd figure out your plan in seconds.

- Then they'll create complicated plans to avoid being neutralized.

- Then they'll combine forces.

- And that's bad.

707. I am a PPC agent, not River Tam. My combat skills therefore DO have limits, and I DO need to practice to acquire skill with an unfamiliar weapon.

- However, just because she has incredible innate combat skills does not mean River Tam is a Sue.

- If she finds out you've been insinuating that she's a Sue, she'll take you to the forking cleaners, mate.

708. I may not kill Peter Pevensie and install Edmund as High King instead.

- No, not even if Edmund is the more sensible of the two and would therefore be a more suitable king.

- Peter isn't a Stu, honestly.

- I know he's irritating, but still.

709. On that note, I am not allowed to rip movieverse!Susan away from movieverse!Caspian at the end of Prince Caspian.

- Movieverse technically is a legitimate canon, okay?

- And the fact that her name is Susan does not make her a Sue.

- Ripping Susan away from Caspian and substituting Peter or Edmund, while tempting, is not allowed either.

- While we're at it, ripping Susan away from Caspian and substituting yourself is RIGHT OUT.

710. I am not allowed to take an MP3 player into fics in order to play "Smack My Bitch Up" when I assassinate Sues.

- Ditto "Battle Without Honor or Humanity."

- Ditto "Back in Black."

- I am not allowed to play any song when assassinating Sues. That's only one teeny step from having a theme-tune.

711. I am not allowed to hit Agent July in the head.

- She gets concussed enough as it is by herself, she doesn't need help.

- If I have reason to need to stop her from doing something, I should hit her somewhere else instead.

712. I am not allowed to mention the Kraken from PotC in the hearing of Agent Trojie if I value my own ignorance of invertebrate anatomy.

713. I am not allowed to pit Jadis the White Witch against the Witch-King of Angmar.

- Not even if I think it would be a bitchin' fight scene.

714. Building Maintenance do not go armed and are not generally proficient with weaponry in any case. This does not mean I can irritate them at will, as they are EXTREMELY proficient with electricity and explosives and can collapse my RC on me if I piss them off.

715. I cannot, and will not try to, simply rock into Mordor.

716. I will not teleport an army of zerglings into Middle-earth and zerg rush the Black Gate.

- I will also not zerg rush the Citadel in City 17.

- Or any of the Horcruxes.

- Or Klatch.

- Or any prominent building, land or object in any continuum outside of the Starcraft universe.

717. I will not introduce Wall-E to Johnny 5.

718. I will not teleport Goku into the Heroesverse, or Peter Petrelli into the Dragonballverse.

719. I will not teleport Star Wolf into the PPC.

- Not even at the request of a Flower.

- The PPC can't let you do that, agents.

719. I will not make reference to Sharpteeth around the PPC Nursery.

720. I will not attempt to kill off Mutt Williams if I enter an Indiana Jones 4 fic.

- Nor will I try to kill Anakin Skywalker if I enter a Star Wars prequels fic.

- No matter how much I want to send a message to George Lucas that his meddling kids are not appreciated.

721. I will not mention "mating heat" and "dinosaurs" in the same sentence within hearing range of Agent Trojie.

- If I do, the resulting lectures are my own fault.

722. Your zerglings. My zealots. Bring it.

723. Um, it's probably not a good idea to let 'Toss outside their native continuum either, is it? Oops. Well, any world can be improved by a Dark Archon or two running around.

724. I will not take advantage of Agent Drake's naivety.

- Especially not by attempting to use him as a Luxury-distracting method.

725. I will not tell Tiria Wildlough that most of the fandom hates her. She's already developing quite a bad case of self-loathing.

726. I will not portal into the Nelvana cartoon version of Redwall and attempt to perform gender-reassignment surgery on Pallum.

- Even if everyone I know does hate said cartoon, it's still a legitimate canon.

- Particularly if I do not work in Medical and therefore do not know how to perform said surgery. Not that many people in Medical know how to perform it on a hedgehog.

727. I may not drop the Pevensies into the Spellsinger continuum while muttering "Let's see how you handle it without a god on your side" in an ominous manner.

728. Speaking of Spellsinger, I should not introduce Mudge the otter to Luxury.

- Nor should I make comments in front of him about "cousin Skipper." Their continua are not in fact compatible, whatever certain badficcers may think.

729. An addendum to the earlier "death matches are a bad idea" rules: DC Simpson and Ralph E Hayes should not be portalled into HQ and made to battle to the death.

- Real World people should not be portalled into HQ without warning in general, unless they require medical treatment after an RPF fic.

730. I will not go on missions "skyclad."

- Or "naked, like the Celts."

- No, not even if the console beeped while I was in the shower.

- Walking around HQ like that is similarly discouraged.

- I only have myself to blame if Lux misinterprets it.

731. I will not take Napalm into Mirkwood.

- Or Mossflower.

- Or Lothlórien.

- Or any canonical wood or forest.

732. I will not switch a Pernese dragon with a Hungarian Horntail.

- Not even if I think Lessa can handle it.

- Not even if I think Harry deserves something a bit easier during the first task.

- I can, however, switch a Sue's dragon for a Horntail.

733. I will not drop agents face to face with their Lust Objects.

- Not even if their method of fighting for self-control and finding the Anti-Lustin at the same time is funny.

- Especially if it is funny.

734. I will not portal Legendary Badfic writers into HQ wearing signs proclaiming the fics they wrote.

- If I do, then the carnage that ensues will be entirely my fault and I will have to fix it myself.

- Especially if I put LBTwriter in RC #45.

735. I am not to throw Anti-Lustin grenades into RCs belonging to agents who are partners in that way.

- Especially if said agents are in bed.

- Or in the shower. Together.

736. Conversely, I am not to throw Lustin grenades into RCs belonging to agents who are "just partners, thank you very much."

- Even if they'd make a really good couple.

- Even if one of them asks me to.

- I am to understand that should performing either of the above actions results in my being painfully dismembered/shot/stabbed/decapitated/bitten/strangled/poisoned/blown up/having my throat cut, it is entirely my own fault.

737. The PPC is not Torchwood, and I am not to refer to it as such.

- Neither am I to compare my fellow agents to Torchwood characters.

- Or force them to dress up as said characters.

- Role-playing as said characters is right out.

738. I may not ask Agent Sabbat if he's a seme or an uke.

- Unless I like having my throat cut.

739. I will not portal into a Potter fic set in book six or early book seven to rescue Remus and Tonks.

- No, not even for sake of little Teddy.

740. I will not debate the qualifications for being a "star" within earshot of Yvaine.

- If I do, the resulting incineration is entirely my own fault.

- Even if I WAS innocently referring to celebrities.

741. I will not kill Eragon.

- Or Sapphira.

- Or Arya.

- Or Paolini.

742. I will not call Worf "Mr. Woof" and expect to live.

- Only Lwaxana gets away with that.

- Same applies for "Will Scarlet."

743. I will not pretend to have missed rule #708 and give Edmund Peter's crown.

- No, not even if the gold-versus-silver thing is blatantly unfair.

- We all know silver's better anyway.

744. I will not annoy Lucy. Her aim with that dagger is too good... and SHE'S the one holding the cordial.

745. I will not recruit more than one replica of a canonical character.

- And preferably not replicas of canonicals who look extraordinarily alike.

- Especially not until canon sorts that mess out.

746. I may not clone characters myself.

- Not even for stress relief. There will always be Sues to take it out on.

747. I may not injure canonicals I find particularly aggravating.

- Even if the injuries wouldn't show or be noticed.

- Even if the injuries can be healed after.

- Even if I neuralyze them afterwards.

- I may, however, dress up a Sue like that character and punch her in the face.

748. I will not portal Lux into the Hub.

- Not even if Lux asks me to.

- Not even if I think Jack would appreciate her.

- Not even if it's the only way to get her away from me.

749. I will not insinuate that Inuzuka Kiba and Akamaru are partners in that manner.

- Especially not within their hearing range.

- If I do I will not complain about my injuries later.

750. I will not allow Kurotsuchi Mayuri to meet Michael from Stargate Atlantis.

- Nor will I allow Szayel Apollo Grantz to meet Michael.

- Introducing them to each other outside of battle is right out.

751. The Shinigami from Bleach are not the same as the Shinigami from Death Note, and I should stop insinuating this.

- If I do so in hearing range of any Shinigami agents (of either sort) then I shouldn't be surprised at the resulting injuries.

752. I will not refer to Kuchiki Byakuya's kenseikan as "hair noodles" to his face ever again.

- Senbonzakura hurts. Senbonzakura Kageyoshi hurts even more.

- Agent Cerrin will also show her displeasure, in the form of her pyromaniacal boyfriend.

753. I will not refer to Edward Elric as short (or any variation thereof) within his hearing range.

- Even if the resulting temper tantrum is funny.

- The same goes for Agent Trip; his fireballs hurt and rarely miss.

754. The Master and the Joker must never be allowed to meet.

- The same goes for Lord Denethor and Lord Vetinari.

- They probably keep in touch anyway.

- Addendum: none of the following are to meet either:

- Iron Man and/or Iron Monger and any Transformer.

- General Grievous and the Daleks.

- Cthulhu and the Ood.

- The cast of Avatar: The Last Airbender and the Planeteers.

755. Galadriel is not Cersei Lannister.

- Nor is she comparable to River Tam.

- Although she can kill you with her brain.

- Nor is she Jacqueline Hyde.

756. I am not allowed to lock Finrod Felagund and Remus Lupin in a room on the night of the full moon to see what happens.

757. I am not allowed to portal Buffy the Vampire Slayer into the Twilight series.

- The same goes for the Winchester brothers.

758. Just because I've seen the abridged series of a show doesn't mean that I know the canon and am able to go out on missions for that fandom.

- No, reading the TV Tropes page for it isn't enough either.

759. I am not allowed to set up statues around HQ and broadcast a warning about a group of Stone Angels infiltrating the PPC.

760. Ledger's Joker and Carcer Dun must never be allowed to meet.

761. I will not tamper with a TARDIS' chameleon circuit to make it look like the Big Bad in every continuum it lands in.

762. I will not call Agent Dustin "Dusty SEP-Field."

- He only activates it to keep canonical contamination to a minimum.

763. I will not venture into the Dornsef Mountains without a Disguise Outfitting Ryticular Kostume System AND a remote activator or a TARDIS.

- If I do, I understand that whatever happens is my fault.

764. I will never assume a fandom to be devoid of badfic.

- If I do, the Narrative Laws of Comedy demand that there be legendary-grade squickfic for it.

765. I will not pit Jaws against a wahrk to "see what happens."

766. I will not arrange a meeting between the Borg and the Cybermen to "see what happens."

767. I will not arrange a meeting between the Mondasian and Cybus Cybermen.

768. I will not glomp a Flower.

769. I will not portal any Redwall character into a furry convention.

- Nor will I convey them there by means of a TARDIS.

- In fact, I will not take them to one at all.

770. I will not squee if there is any chance "squee" might be a noun in the continuum.

771. I will not write badfic about an agent I am mad at.

772. I will not clown around on Spire.

- Even if I can panic-link.

773. I will not allow Eragon and Saphira to meet Lessa and Ramoth.

- Or F'lar and Mnementh.

- Or any other Pernese dragonrider pair.

- Any Tolkien dragon.

- Any Narnian dragon.

- Any dragon from A Song of Ice and Fire.

- Or Temeraire (toooooooo late!).

- Or Trogdor.

- The outcome will most likely be incineration of the former and extreme annoyance on the part of the latter.

774. I will not feed Sues to Pernese dragons.

- Listen, we don't need Suvian dragons.

- Pernese dragons don't eat humans anyway.

- Feeding Sues to fire-lizards is also forbidden.

775. I will not introduce Dr. Horrible to Lex Luthor.

- Or any other supervillain.

- Or any other superhero, for that matter.

776. Bad Horse is not a Cute Animal Friend.

777. The Freeze Ray song is not to be sung in DoSAT.

- Or the laundry room. (Do we have a laundry room? There must be one somewhere, right?)

778. I will not introduce Rorshach to the Question.

779. I will not portal Hitsugaya Toshiro to Mustafar.

- Or to Tatooine.

- Or Mount Doom.

- Or to any other desert/volcano canon location.

- Even if I am doing research on how to melt his bankai.

780. I will not tell the Doctor to "get over it, you've killed lots of women."

- Or Angel.

- Or any semi-immortal canon with a penchant for killing people.

- Seriously, they have a reason to angst.

781. I will not introduce Ned from Pushing Daisies to George from Dead Like Me.

- Or Rube.

- Or Mason.

- Or any Grim Reaper.

- Even if I want to find out what happens when he touches them.

782. On encountering any vampire, banshee, werewolf or undead agent I will not scream, "Back, unholy beast of the night!" at them.

- Nor will I attempt to ward them off with garlic, crucifixes, mirrors, pigs etc.

783. I will not mention cross-pollination around any of the Flowers.

784. I will not allow King Leonidas and Davy Crockett to meet.

785. I will not allow Zorro and Robin Hood to meet.

- Even though that would be so many degrees of awesomeness.

786. I will not tell anyone that they are the Banana King.

- Nor will I tell them to put a banana in their ear.

- Nor will I force them to go on a journey to "Candy Mountain."

- In fact, Charlie the Unicorn reenactments of any sort are strictly forbidden.

787. I will not introduce Sylar to the Master.

- Or the Joker.

- Or Stewie Griffin.

- Or any other homicidal psychotic bent on world domination.

788. I will not claim Ianto Jones is Alfred Pennyworth's long lost son.

- Even if it makes sense.

789. I will not kidnap Rikku (FFX/X-2) and drop her in FFVII, especially right next to Yuffie. Nor is the reverse acceptable.

- Nor will I point the two at someone extremely rich and hint that he/she might have treasure/materia.

- Nor will I bring the two to HQ and hint that someone I particularly dislike might have treasure/materia.

- If they have already met via crossover, I will attempt to mitigate the damage, not add fuel to the fire by dragging in any of the following: Norma Beatty (Tales of Legendia), Anise Tatlin (Tales of the Abyss)... or any other canons who are even vaguely obsessed with unclaimed properties of a valuable nature. Captain Jack Sparrow is right out.

790. I will not steal a necromancer's bells and attempt to use one of them for an exorcism.

- Especially not Astarael. Killing everyone in hearing range is not funny.

- Also not Kibeth. The Walker has a sense of humor.

- No. Just no.

791. I will refrain from making bad puns regarding jewels within earshot of anyone from the Black Jewels Trilogy and related works. They are not likely to be appreciated, by the canons or my partner.

792. Captain Jack Sparrow does not need to know about the Legacy (ToL), no matter how funny I think the resulting bit of attempted piracy might be.

793. I will not steal the weapons of any video game hero; they are likely to need them. Soon.

- Even if I am a raging kleptomaniac.

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