Part I of the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at the PPC List, comprising entries 1-144 plus codicils.
- Even if they taste the same.
- Even if they have the same consistency.
- Or in the stew.
- Or in any part of the food all together.
3. I will not refer to my lightsaber as my phallic metaphor. Nor will I ask to see if someone's is bigger than mine.
4. I will ask about the knob on the end of Gandalf's staff.
- Or Saruman's.
- Or Dumbledore's.
5. Nor will I ask to see the pointy hat trick from Gandalf.
- In fact, the pointy hat trick will not be mentioned at all in the presence of witches or wizards.
6. I will not let the minis steal the cursed Aztec gold. It's not nice to see them try to beg for bacon and not be able to eat it.
7. I will not tell the new recruits that fertilizer is what happens when the Flowers don't make it to the bathroom on time.
8. I will not use the new recruits for target practice.
- Saying that it improves their reflexes doesn't make it right.
9. Painting the wall outside my office urple is not allowed.
- Even if the gray is really boring.
10. I will not teach the new recruits Greyelvish and tell them that is Sindarin.
- Or Quenya.
- Or any decent Elven language.
11. I will not grease the floor outside the Cafeteria and then scream "Sue attack!"
12. I will not tell Make-Things that "THEY" are coming to take him away.
13. I will not inappropriately use the Flashy Memory device.
14. I will not pretend that I have used the Flashy Memory device on an agent and refer to things that I know didn't just happen.
15. I will not put Legolas, Will Turner and Paris of Troy in a room together to "See What Happens."
16. It is cruel to put "DePetal Me" on the Flowers. I will not do so.
17. Flames are not to be used for ritual sacrifices.
- Nor are new recruits.
18. I will not make someone's computer sing "It's a Small World After All" over and over again.
19. Replacing lightsabers with toy ones is not funny.
20. Replacing wands with Weasley Wands is also not funny.
21. I will not let the Undead Monkey loose.
22. I will not give the new recruits good fan fic and tell them to find the Mary Sue. It only makes them cry.
23. I will not make the new recruits cry.
- Even from laughter.
24. I will not switch Yoda's and Dobby's medical records.
25. I will not pretend that Gollum is a house-elf that only needs a sock to win his freedom from Sauron.
26. I will not make chain mail out of my collection the twenty-first One Ring.
27. I will not scream "There can only be ONE!" any time I am using a sword.
28. I will not replace Bleeprin with sugar pills.
29. I will not feed the agents sugar at all.
30. Flamethrowers are not toys.
- Nor is the Holy Hand Grenade.
- Or to bug the Flowers.
- Or my partner.
- In a similar vein, counterfeiting dissociative identity disorder (a.k.a. multiple personality disorder) for those reasons is also prohibited.
32. Issue a notice saying that all Bleeprin in HQ has been found to be contaminated and must be recalled.
33. On the rare times I find an excuse to cook, I will not quote Macbeth.
- Or any other work of fiction with a similar scene.
- Quoting Titus Andronicus is out of the question.
34. I will not get into a "worst mission" contest with another agent, as these generally disintegrate rapidly.
35. I will not tell any of the Flowers that HQ is on fire and it's going to reach them soon.
36. I will not ask any canonical character if he or she sleeps with a sword or other similarly shaped weapon. That innuendo is dead and rotting.
37. I will not try to disprove the "theory" that Bleeprin does not mix well with alcohol in my response center.
- Or in the hall outside of the response center.
- Or anywhere in HQ for that matter.
38. I will not use the Avis spell in the SO's office and shut the door.
39. I will not clash a lightsaber and a crystace to see if one cuts the other.
40. I will not tease a Zeeky H. Bomb mini.
41. I will not take C. M. O. T. Dibbler to the kitchens.
42. I will not offer a Misspelled Monkey tree-of-life.
43. I will not write a Suefic.
44. I will not set a canon character up with Agent Lux.
- Or with Maeluiwen.
45. "You are the weakest link. Good-bye." was only funny the first 4588706 times. It is no longer funny.
46. The Fellowship is not "my harem," and it is not appropriate to refer to them as such.
- Nor any other group of canon characters.
- Nor any group of PPC agents.
- Except maybe the Bad Slash Department.
47. I will not place booby-traps in the Lounge.
48. I will not bring Detritus's Piecemaker into PPC Headquarters, no matter how much my response center would be improved by knocking the wall in and expanding.
49. The safety catch is not a suggestion, and it is not to be left off, unless I want to eschew metaphor and really shoot myself in the foot.
50. I will not set up a betting pool on who is going to go insane next.
- Even if I do, I will not stalk my chosen victim and attempt to accelerate the process.
51. I will not make any comments about pollination. EVER.
53. I will not attempt to discover whether or not freedom of speech extends to crying "Mary Sue!" in a crowded cafeteria.
- It doesn't.
54. Trying to give new recruits directions to their response centres is cruel, not funny.
- Especially when I tell them to try and walk up the walls. Gravity does work in HQ.
55. Saying "Thank God it wasn't..." is forbidden, no matter what the situation.
- Tempting the Ironic Overpower does not make you cool. But it might get you shot.
- So is saying "but what happens if I..."
- Unless you're alone; then go for it.
- Nor, when they try and kill you, is telling them not to come near you because you don't want to catch it.
57. Just because the Doctor can stitch your head back on doesn't make it okay to run around throwing it at people, screaming "think fast."
- Especially when they have their hands full.
- Even if they scream funny.
58. I shall not refer to the recruits as "cannon fodder."
- Or "canon fodder."
59. I will not try to bribe the SO for better missions.
60. I will not take bets on who would win in a fight between LotR elves and Discworld elves.
- Nor will I attempt to arrange a battle to settle said bet.
61. Laying traps for new recruits does not count as survival training.
62. I will leave the shiny new weapons where I found them.
63. I will not ask Sauron how the air is up there.
- No, not even on a triple dog dare.
64. I will not take Makes-Things' sonic screwdriver.
65. I will not rewire the HQ broadcast system to play "They're taking the Hobbits to Isengard!" on a continuous loop.
66. I will not replace toy lightsabers with real ones. Severed arms are not funny.
67. I will not tell Jedi holding lightsabers the correct way that "it's the other way 'round." Stabbing yourself accidentally is not funny.
68. Stabbing yourself on purpose is not funny either. That's what Bleeprin is for.
69. Urple paint is not funny, particularly when the Sunflower Official is covered in it.
70. Since I will use these words often in my work, I should stop making finger-quotes around the words "sword," "weapon," "lightsaber," "wand," "staff," etc.
71. I will not allow Agent Stormsong to watch Deliverance.
- Or allow him to read the sections of Something Positive involving the Redneck Trees.
- Or sing the Hedgehog Song to him.
- Or even mention the Hedgehog Song in front of him.
72. Constant jokes about Agent Stormsong "weaseling his way out of something" are not, nor have they ever been, funny.
- Ditto for constant jokes about the Weasley family.
73. I will not send any agent No-Drool videos labelled as episodes of their favorite TV show.
74. I will not give the personal email addresses of agents I don't like to Agent Luxury.
75. I will stop making jokes about "one-handed typing" in front of any agents who happen to be missing a hand.
76. I will not replace any agent's caffeine pills with sleeping pills.
77. I will not replace Agent Laburnum's blonde hair dye with candy pink.
- Unless I have a death wish.
78. I will not show Alice The Godfather.
79. I will not give Sirrus a Linking Book to Upstairs.
- Nor Esher.
- Nor Saavedro.
- Definitely not Veovis.
- Giving one to ro'Eh ro'Dan is right out.
80. I will not turn on a jackhammer in the corridors.
- Nor Fangorn Forest.
82. I will not tell Wile E. Coyote that a portal is a magical field that will give him the ability to catch the Roadrunner.
- Consequently, it goes the same for doing it in front of the Marquis de Sod.
- Or any Flower for that matter.
- Even if I'm not human/humanoid species.
84. I will not mock the janitors of the PPC headquarters.
- Especially if they're armed with a Mop.
85. And because there is the possibility... whenever I meet actual twin agents, I will not make stupid "double trouble" or "twin terror" jokes.
- Or Weasley Twin jokes.
- Or Elf Twin jokes.
- Or anything that might involve the words "doppelganger," "double," "other half," or anything else.
- Especially if said twins were armed with a Nail Bat and a Mop respectively.
- Or armed to the teeth with a pair of guns, a huge rocket launcher, several hand grenades and a goose named Macgregor.
86. Dropping glitter on people is not funny.
- Nor is dyeing all their clothes sparkly pink.
- Or urple.
- Or replacing them with all Hot Topic clothes.
- On the topic of dyeing, hair dyeing is out also in regards to any shade of pink, purple, streaks or anything that could remotely be construed as Sueish.
87. I will not ask Boromir about the Horn of Gondor and hobbits.
- Also, I will not tempt Boromir with one of the fake One Rings that I have lying around. He's in therapy for a reason.
88. I will not tell Fox Mulder that the Sunflower is the soul of all the sunflower seeds that he ate coming to get revenge on him.
- I will not introduce him to Spock.
- Or G'Kar.
- Or any other alien life form.
- Or tell him that Sues really took his sister.
- Or introduce him to the MiB; it only gets his hopes up and he's been flashy-thingied enough.
89. Creating a swimsuit calendar for the PPC by superimposing Mary Sues over the Flowers is not funny.
90. I will not do an interpretive dance of the Hunt of the Mary Sue, naked, for the canons.
- In fact there will be no naked interpretive dancing at all.
- Or general nakedness.
91. There is not a clothing optional day every two weeks, and I will not tell the new recruits that.
- In fact I'm forbidden to go anywhere near the new recruits.
92. I will not replace people's canon books with copies that have Richard Simmons in them. People do not enjoy reading Richard Simmons and the Goblet of Fire.
- Nor will I replace them with George W. Bush.
- Al Gore.
- Newt Gingrich.
- Paris Hilton.
- Brittney Spears.
- Or anyone else.
93. Shouting, painting or otherwise doing anything with the numbers: 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42, especially in regards to telling people that if they don't input those numbers into their computers the Sues will win, is not funny.
- I will not refer to my response center as the Hatch.
- The SO's office as the the Pearl.
- And the Flowers as "the Others."
- It got old the first 200 times.
94. I will not start a betting pool to see how long the new recruits will last before they end up in Psych.
95. I will not go anywhere near a chainsaw.
- Or a plunger.
96. I will stop beating people over the head with my Clue by Oar while screaming "Make SENSE for GODS SAKE MAKE SENSE."
- I will not abuse the Capslock of Rage, either.
97. Replacing Jack Sparrow's rum with sports energy drink isn't funny.
- V-8 juice isn't funny either.
98. Even if it is true, I will not tell the new recruits that Verra eats people who make her cranky. It only makes them upset.
99. I am not allowed to construct miniature Daleks out of whatever I have lying around the RC.
- Or if I do, I will not turn them loose in the halls.
- Nor will I then run into the Cafeteria, shrieking incoherent things about the Dalek Invasion of Headquarters. Total panic is only funny for a few seconds.
- Nor will I report any such invasion to the Multiverse Monitor. Toooo late!
100. Graffiti, no matter how much I may insist, cannot be reclassified as "community service art project."
- Or blood spatters.
- Or stick-on sparklies.
- Or paper chains made of shredded mission printouts.
101. PG2B2 is not interchangeable with blue Kool-Aid. I will not tell new recruits that it is.
102. I will stop deliberately running into walls looking for secret passageways.
- And stop telling new recruits to do so.
103. It is inadvisable to borrow musically inclined agents' instruments and pretend to be a rock star.
104. I can not Jedi-mind-trick the Flowers.
- Or anyone, for that matter.
105. Haircuts should not be performed with swords.
- Or daggers.
- Or scythes.
- Or throwing stars.
- Or lightsabers.
- Especially lightsabers.
- Especially not on other people.
- Especially when they do not expect it.
106. I cannot bake forty batches of cookies in an E-Z Bake Oven.
- Nor can I put out the ensuing fire by blowing on it.
108. I will stop trying to hide Dr. House in Medical.
- Ditto Simon Tam.
- Ditto the Doctor. He is not a medical doctor.
109. My RC is not "on the way" from either location to anyone's continuum.
110. I will not slip hair dye into Elven agents' shampoo.
- Or use anyone else's uniform as a dye cloth.
- Or dye my hair in any of the common bath facilities, thus staining them blue.
111. I should not sneak up behind agents with my guitar and play minor chords right at their backs.
112. I will stop giggling whenever I see the Marquis de Sod.
- Furthermore, I will not imagine the Marquis in flower-bondage gear.
- Ditto any other Flowers.
- And the phrase "bends in the stem" is not to be repeated.
113. The Infinite Improbability Drive does not solve all problems.
- Nor does my all-knowing butler.
- I have not, in fact, got an all-knowing butler.
- Or a butler of any kind.
114. I will not challenge anyone to a duel.
- Not even with squirt guns.
- Not even for a very good reason.
115. It is bad form to stride around HQ with the Imperial March playing.
- Especially on kazoo.
116. On missions, I will not do any of the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at Hogwarts or the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do in D'ni.
117. I will not draw pictures of Flowers in dubious situations all over my Manual.
- Or draw similar pictures of my colleagues.
- I especially will not show them to said colleagues.
- Or to other colleagues, for that matter.
- I especially will not paste them up all over HQ.
- I won't draw them on important paperwork, either.
- Especially not Flowerslash on the reports I have to hand in.
118. I will not practice archery with a longbow in a room ten foot square.
- If I do, I will check that anything easily broken is covered.
119. If my partner uses poison, I will not swap that poison with love potion.
120. I will not put love potion in the meal of a fellow Protector.
- Or in the Flowers' food.
- Even if it would be funny – it's not worth being chased by a 50ft tree.
121. I will not install cameras in the showers.
122. I will not attempt to kill anyone who tells me I have an obsession with violence.
- Or with sex.
- Or with pain.
123. I will not in any circumstances call an assassin a necrophiliac.
124. I will not produce a flamethrower upon being called a pyromaniac. It alarms the Flowers.
125. Just because I can rain down havoc and mass destruction, that doesn't mean I should.
- Not even if somebody ticks me off.
- And I mean REALLY ticks me off, not ordinary just-angry-at-them.
126. Having trouble remembering when it's appropriate to use your weapons? That's okay! Just sing this song! "This is my sword/ it's for killing Sues/ I don't use my weapon/ the agents to abuse." Remember: Mr. Weapon is not your friend unless you be careful with him!
127. Some people are under the impression that there is life outside of HQ. I will not encourage them in this. Specifically, I will not give them twenty bucks and tell them to go buy themselves some ice cream at the deli down the street.
- I don't care if it IS funny to see them run around in circles, I will not do this.
128. I will not give chocolate or other foreign objects to hobbits, especially not canon hobbits.
129. For most agents, Sues are not good eating, no matter where they are.
130. I will not try to get Makes-Things to make me a Gatling spork launcher, no matter how cool it is.
131. Flamethrowers and Gatling guns are not LotR canon weapons.
132. I am not allowed to use Chez Geek cards as projectile weapons.
- Nor Cats.
- Nor Crud Pulled Out of My Hairbrush.
133. No matter how much fun it is, I may not invite the Doctor and Ace over for lazertag.
- Especially not on Office Inspection Day.
- No toga parties.
- No matter what movie's anniversary it is.
134. Dive-bombing Sues with day-glo orange glitter paint is very funny, but not acceptable.
- I may not call the Flowers "Mom" or "Dad."
135. My official title is [insert name of agent here], not "Princess Anastasia Tamako of the Vampire Wolfriders."
- Even if I have the fangs and puppies to prove it.
136. I may not write reports in Hieratic.
- Or any variant of Elvish.
- Or Klingon.
- Or 1337speak.
- Or ANY fictitious language, dead language or general weird grammar.
137. C. M. O. T. Dibbler and Titus Andronicus must NEVER be allowed to meet.
- Let alone exchange recipes.
139. I will not tell Morfin Gaunt his mother was a Muggle-born adopted by purebloods. Some of those jinxes he used sting a bit.
140. I will not offer to prepare tandoori mini-Gwythaint.
141. I will not call Eshdeth Shirak "Darth" anything.
142. I will not tell new agents to swim in Wahrk Lake on Riven.
143. I will not use Raid on Helmacron ships.
144. I will not mix PG2B2, Purple Stuff, and nitroglycerin.