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Hay man i liek ur storeis. u hav inspirt me 2 maek moar storeis. kthx
—SuparSokar, reviewing "FFVII: Story of Rain Strife."
This is why we can't have nice things.
—Mikan Cyclone, reviewing "Halo: Halos in Space 2: Aliens attack."

Squirrelking is a now-infamous French Canadian fanfiction writer on the Pit. Whether his works – mainly video game-based Stufics where the Stu is a sibling of the game's main protagonist – are sharp, biting satires of the way the uneducated masses who use the Pit write, or whether his works are just the scribblings of some emotionally stunted 13-year-old who can't bother learning English the proper way, one thing is clear: Squirrelking has become a minor Internet phenomenon of sorts.

In September 2009, Mattimer, a member of the Something Awful forums, revealed (archive.org) that he was the person behind Squirrelking and that, yes, the entire thing was a troll.

Brief History Edit

Squirrelking started on the Pit on the 15th of May, 2006, a (presumably) young French Canadian boy who had "only been speaking english for not that long," using fanfics to help him learn the language. His fanfic debut was "HalfLife: Fulllife Consequences," a heart-wrenching tale of sibling loyalty in the dystopian setting of Half-Life, following John Freeman's cross-country race against time to save his brother from aliens, monsters, and "zombie goasts."

After garnering a mixed reception, Squirrelking released the sequel to "Fulllife Consequences," "FullLife Consequences 2:WhatHasTobeDone," in which John, driven to grief by his brother's death, works to kill "the next boss." This was followed by similar works in other canons – the exploits of Jake Snake, Solid Snake's son, in "Metal Gear Solid: Fight of Metal Gears," and its sequel; the brave actions of supersoldier Joe Chief in "Halo: Halos in Space" and its sequel; and the tale of Cloud Strife's brother, Rain Strife, in "FFVII: Story of Rain Strife."

Squirrelking's works have divided many audiences, some praising Squirrelking's talent at writing black comedy and his imaginative scenarios, others criticising him for his lack of experience writing in the English language and his concise storylines.

Life as an Internet Meme Edit

Squirrelking's works have attained a cult following on the Internet, with many Internet users posting professional readings of Squirrelking's fanfics online. Among the most popular is Djy1991's "HalfLife: Fulllife Consequences" video, a faithful adaptation of Squirrelking's seminal fic.

Works Edit

Selected Reviews from the Pit Edit

Squirrelking receives mixed reviews for their works. Some reviewers seem to think they're good (or are using a really obscure form of sarcasm), others straightforwardly point out that they are bad.

"HalfLife: Fulllife Consequences" Edit

Wow. Talk about raising the bar, this has certainly raised the bar for all fan fictions EVER. With your complete absence of any coherent plot, utter lack of knowledge regarding the Half-Life storyline, and terrible spelling and grammar, you have crafted a masterpiece. I take my hat off to you sir. Then throw it at you, as it is actually a Hopper Mine in disguise (Not that I imagine you know what that is). Good day. *Straightens tie and walks off*

—Omiclok

OH MY GOD. This is perhaps the most brilliant, terrifying, and epic tales it has been my pleasure to read! Your description of the zombie goasts was downright Lovecraftian.

—Sir Crimson

I lol'd. You've inspired me to go fast.

—tehsave1

"HalfLife: FullLife Consequences 2:WhatHasTobeDone" Edit

Where do I begin...? This is BAD. I mean, really bad. You are the Ed Wood of fanfiction. I've read both parts to this story, and your others, and I have to say that the only good things about them is that they are short. Your stories are hard to wade through. I'm not just talking about the grammatical errors, and mispellings (though those do make for tough reading. It's like wiping with sandpaper, as opposed to toilet paper) as I understand you aren't fluent in English. That's fine, but I would suggest that you think things out more BEFORE you start writing.

—'CopersRBasturds' (and that's one of five paragraphs)

Your stories are even better than captainhaddock's epic. Which is truly quite a feat to accomplish. I mean, there's so much emotion and drama. That one line, it just tugs at my heart everytime, "You are dead bro and i killed the evil boss." Just...words cannot describe the feelings.

—AeroSea

"Metal Gear Solid: Fight of Metal Gears 2: Old Enemys Come Back" Edit

You represent everything that is wrong with fanfiction. This... thing... is what happens when someone drugs the english language, rapes it, and then forces it to have an abortion. You then take the BLOODY DEAD CHILD and post it up on the internet for all to see. I pray to God you are doing this in jest. Because if you are serious then Humanity has lost all hope and we should just nuke ourselves from orbit now

—Pata Hikari

Dude, that was freaking awesome. Seriously, no joke, it was truly a masterpiece. Easily one of the best fanfics I've ever read on here. You have to continue it, man! I can't wait to see if Ocelot kills Jake Snake or not.

—Adarian Dreamer

"Halo: Halos in Space" Edit

A well-written masterpiece. It takes a real genius to make a fic this bad that people actually think was serious.

—Buretsu

I refuse to believe a fic like this was written on purpose. Therefore I will give you the benefit of doubt and say that this was written for humor. English isn't my first language either, but this is just sad...I REALLY hope that this is just a joke account, otherwise my faith in humanity has just dropped 20 points.

—Sir Potator

"FFVII: Story of Rain Strife" Edit

this is a goodly story, my are better though becaus they have shadow the hedegog on them and hes more awesem than finel fantasty

—delishusfred

... wow. That was scarily bad. I suspect a troll, but you can never be sure. And yet, it was so bad as to be humourous.

—CheckeredSneakers

Squirrelking and the PPC Edit

To date, Squirrelking has had several of his stories undertaken as missions. Agents Arti and Lunac killed Rain Strife by strangling him with the towel Arti wore into the mission (found here). Agents Murtagh and Titus killed the first incarnation of John Freeman by tying him up and throwing him into a headcrab-infested mine.

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