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Solaris doll-image.png

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Solaris, AKA the Dark Elf, was a Lord of the Rings Mary Sue killed by Agents Jay and Acacia.

Character History[]

Solaris was a "Dark Elf"—not because her ancestors had never seen the Two Trees of Valinor, but because she was a fighter and the Suethor had made the Elves Designated Bastards. She fell in love with Boromir and joined the Fellowship.

When the food ran out in Moria, she breastfed the Fellowship. The fic was posted in the days before Bleeprin, which is why Agent Tourmaline, the Intelligence agent who investigated the fic, had osteoporosis six years later.


Solaris was charged with "silly Sindarin showing-off, establishing a totally anticanonical order of assassin Elves, having a silly name, singing a modern song, making Legolas a stalker and an eavesdropper to boot, making Boromir overly apologetic, causing Legolas and Boromir to threaten each other with weapons for a silly reason, doing silly things to your weapons, to wit, attaching a blade to both sides of your bow, being annoyingly girl-power, inflicting Aragorn, Boromir, and Gimli the Misogynistic Bastards on the world, meddling with the characters of same plus Legolas, and miscellaneous others to lesser degree, attempting to lure agents into a false sense of security with near-unchanged canon in parts ... not knowing what Dark Elves actually are, doing horrible confusing tense shifts, insulting Gandalf, upstaging Frodo, having a Joan of Arc complex, stealing lines, causing the Watcher in the Water to do silly things, inducing Boromir to behave like my high school counselor, and above all, grossing us all out with your silly breastfeeding plan!"

Character Demise[]

Jay and Acacia intervened at that moment. They gave her over to the Kudzu. It is not known what became of her, but it is likely that she died.

Mission Report[]