Paddlebrains first registered on the PPC radar when drawing the attention of the Department of Bad Slash to a Real Person Slash travesty involving a third-wave emo band in a very compromising situation.[1] In revenge for this atrocity, Paddlebrains was dragged forcibly into the largest single exorcism/assassination ever undertaken by the DBS: that of The Land Before Time (see 'Land Before Time: Littlefoot x Cera'). She subsequently latched onto Agent Trojanhorse, and is currently turning a corner of RC 45 into an ashtray while being subjected to Legendary Badfic.
Appearance[]
Pads's canine form.
Paddlebrains is a Potterverse Animagus, and technically the warped, female reincarnation of Sirius Black, as the result of some very odd online RPing during which "Padfoot" became "Paddlebrains". In human form, she looks mostly like her original author, being redheaded and tallish, but her Animagus form is a large, scruffy, smelly, dribbly black dog, just like the real Sirius Black.
When genderbent, Pads resembles Sirius Black in every aspect except that of hair colour, which remains red.
CADs are confused by Pads, because while she looks to be female, canonically she is male. Pointing a CAD at Pads is therefore liable to make it explode.
Personality[]
Pads is extremely sarcastic and a fanatical Britpicker, to the point of obsessively reading the Words of fics in the process of being sporked with an eye to correcting the mannerisms of American agents she happens to be working with. She has what is described as an incurably filthy mind, but lacks the mental shields that long-term employment in the DBS causes its agents to develop, and so still has flashbacks to 'C*l*br**n' at inappropriate moments.
Her mildly obsessive personality also manifests itself as a beard fetish, thanks to bleed-through from her author's overexposure to Commander Riker in her youth, and a werewolf fixation due to the bias to Remus/Sirius slash in the AU she was spawned in. Following her excursions to the Discworld with the kleptomaniac Agent Trojie, she is known to have filched boots and other footwear from Discworld canon characters.
She is known to enjoy taking mind-altering substances, and thanks to the fanon of 'The Shoebox Project', appears to be under the impression that Gillyweed is hallucinogenic. However, in February 2008 HST, it was finally brought home to her that this is untrue. Unwilling to accept the lack of mind-altering experiences thus available in HQ, she began devoting much of her downtime to the Quest for the Sentient Cannabis Plant. So far, all she has been able to discover are Glodstoppers, a dangerous mix of substances that cause the user to see God and then fall over. Needless to say, her partner is a highly unwilling participant in this Quest.
Partners and Family[]
Paddlebrains is partnered permanently with Agent Trojanhorse, who recruited her, and as of October 2008 is also temporarily partnered with Oscar Henson, who is being trained to take on work in the new Division of Mpreg. She has recently given birth to the debugged child of Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer, and also took it upon herself to adopt the infant's half-twin, Andy, who was born to the Other Sirius at the same time.
She has been trying to convince Trojie that they ought to be partners in more than one sense of the word since April `08, and while interludes have shown that she will be eventually successful in that suit in April `09, an interlude in February `09 has her achieving her goal in a rather different manner than originally intended.[2]
Missions Logs[]
Home: Response Centre #45
Pre-Trojie[]
- January 2008 HST
- 'Rhymes With Bang Bang Sob' (Real Person Fic), Agent Trojanhorse (DBS)
- Draws the attention of Agent Trojie to 'Rhymes With Bang Bang Sob'.
- Mission One: 'To Be Free from Pasts and Shadows' (Lord of the Rings), with Agent Gypsy (DBS)
- A training mission with Agent Gypsy.
- Mission Two: 'Land Before Time: Littlefoot x Cera', Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8 (The Land Before Time), Agents Trojanhorse and Zach Homewood (DBS)
- Paddlebrains is stampeded and thus recruited to aid in the destruction of 'Land Before Time: Littlefoot x Cera'.
Partnered with Trojie[]
- February 2008 HST
- MST: 'Tainted Perfection', Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4 (Harry Potter)
- Is partnered with Agent Trojanhorse, who eases her in 'gently' with the MSTing of a particularly disturbing H/D badslash.
- Mission Three: 'To The Moon', Part 1, Part 2 (Harry Potter)
- Affectionately known as Paedo!Harry.
- Interlude: 'The Quest (Part One)'
- Begins the Quest for the Sentient Cannabis Plant.
- Mission Four: 'A Promise To Be Kept', (Discworld), with Agents July Flame and Library (DF)
- Nameless Cat adopted.
- Out of continuity, as per its coauthor.
- Mission: 'Will you still be Human?' (1984), with Agents July and Library (DF)
- Also out of continuity.
- March 2008 HST
- Mission Five: 'Out in the Rain' (Discworld)
- Paddlebrains is infected by Trojie's Discworld kleptomania, and returns with the Boots of Truth and the Boots of Justice.
- Mission Six: 'LxC: The DinoSue Strikes Back' (The Land Before Time)
- LBTwriter churns out another chapter of biologically inaccurate dino-porn, Paddlebrains plays with explosives, and Trojie plays vivisectionist.
- April 2008 HST
- Mission Seven: 'Pain' (Lord of the Rings) (unreleased)
- Childe Elrond gets preggers by an Orc. Trojie threatens to horribly maim anyone and everyone within reach in the event of further subjection to Mpreg.
- Interlude: 'Please?'
- Begins the wooing of her partner.
- Mission Eight: 'LxC: Return of the DinoSue' (The Land Before Time)
- May 2008 HST
- Mission Nine: 'Fun in Buckland' (Lord of the Rings)
- Which transpires to be neither fun nor worksafe.
- Mission Ten: 'Pathways', Part 1, Part 2 (Stargate Atlantis)
- June 2008 HST
- Mission Eleven: 'Manhood' (Harry Potter)
- In which Pads is tormented by naked!Snape.
- July 2008 HST
- Mission Twelve: 'LxC: The Phantom DinoSue' (The Land Before Time)
- Mission Thirteen: 'Baby bump, hormones & tennis' (Real Person Fic)
- Pads and Trojie take in Wimbledon, with unexpected results.
- Mission Fourteen: 'Midnight Visitor' (Narnia)
- Pevensies are violated. Incestuously. Without lube, obviously.
- August 2008 HST
- Mission Fifteen: 'Journey of the Heart' (Lord of the Rings), Pads with Agents Rilwen Shadowflame and Cavan Shenn (DF)
- Pads shepherds newbie agents Rilwen and Cavan through Aragorn's extremely tangled family tree.
- September 2008 HST
- Mission Sixteen: 'Doom: Repercussions of Evil' (DOOM)
- Trojie and Pads play deathmatch.
- Mission Seventeen: 'What Happens in Narnia Stays in Narnia' (Narnia)
- At least until Trojie and Pads get involved.
- October 2008 HST
- Mission Eighteen: 'Ethuil'waew' (Lord of the Rings), with Agent Oscar Henson (DBS - Mpreg)
- Trojie and Pads train up newbie Agent Oscar Henson of the Division of MPreg.
- Mission Nineteen: 'Ladi's Name' (Stargate Atlantis), with Agent Oscar Henson (DBS - Mpreg)
- Trojie, Pads and Oscar rescue an assbaby from Atlantis.
- November 2008 HST
- Mission Twenty: 'Eternal' (Lord of the Rings)
- Pads's last opportunity to rip out OCs' throats before giving birth is decidedly graphic.
- December 2008 HST
- Mission Twenty-One: 'Extending the Family' (Harry Potter), Pads with Agent Oscar Henson (DBS - Mpreg)
- Pads and Oscar attempt to deal with a Potterverse Mpreg. The multiverse has other plans for them.
- January 2009 HST
- Mission Twenty-Two: 'Bottled Feelings' (Harry Potter)
- One argument, two minis, and a lot of biologically inaccurate femslash in the Potterverse.
- Mission Twenty-Three: 'The two boys' (Narnia)
- The Lace finds out about Trojie and Pads stealing missions, and punishes them with Narnia badslash.
- Mission Twenty-Four: 'Wedding Night' (Narnia)
- Faun/human het is used to impress upon Trojie and Pads how much their current behaviour is not appreciated.
- Mission Twenty-Five: 'Mirror Mirror' (Narnia)
- In the third instalment of their punishment, Trojie and Pads must subvert a sex prophecy.
- Mission Twenty-Six: 'The White Witches deal' (Narnia)
- The punishment continues with both literal and metaphorical character rape.
- Mission Twenty-Seven: 'How to Remember the Signs' (Narnia)
- The punishment comes to an end in Aslan's Country.
- February 2009 HST
- Interlude: 'Sin, Alcohol and Head-scratches'
- Pads wakes up the next day to find out that there is an epidemic of genderbending sweeping HQ. She, sorry, he, takes advantage of this.
- Mission Twenty-Eight: 'A baby and his dog' (Family Guy)
- In which the title characters engage in carnal relations, to the mild boredom of Our Heroes.
- Mission Twenty-Nine: 'Jungle Fever' (Jurassic Park), with Agent Oscar
- Trojie, Pads and Oscar visit Jurassic Park.
- Mission Thirty: 'Jungle Terror and Bungle in the Jungle' (Jurassic Park), with Agent Oscar
- Trojie, Pads and Oscar prevent a prepubescent girl from being raped by numerous Procompsognathus, and then by a Velociraptor mongoliensis.
- March 2009 HST
- Mission Thirty-One: 'Teatime Punished' (Discworld)
- In which Trojie and Pads get a biological souvenir from Jonathan Teatime.
- Mission Thirty-Two: 'Of Hot Tubs and Weevils' (Torchwood)
- Featuring rain, full frontal nudity, rain, biological specimens, and more rain.
- Mission Thirty-Three: 'A Modicum of Pleasure' (Harry Potter)
- Pads's mind is almost broken by noncon interspecies Potterverse PWP.
- April 2009 HST
- Mission Thirty-Four: 'Lady Light Skirt' (Merlin), with Agents Oscar and Iza (DBS - Mpreg)
- Pads is unwillingly dragged along with Trojie to help young Oscar with a Merlin Mpreg.
- Mission Thirty-Five: 'Another Drink' (Lord of the Rings)
- Trojie and Pads take a trip to Mount Doom.
- Mission Thirty-Six: 'Spreading Filths' (Lord of the Rings)
- Trojie and Pads are joined on a mission by Marsha.
- May 2009 HST
- Mission Thirty-Seven: 'I Will Never Stop Loving You' (BBC's Robin Hood)
- Robin Hood. Guy of Gisbourne. Fluff. Trojie and Pads' minds boggle.
- Mission Thirty-Six: '(Look at me) Looking in your eyes' (Star Trek 2009 film)
- Bondage aboard the Enterprise is averted.