The Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy (HFA) is the Harry Potter version of OFUM. This academy was created by Meir Brin in order to assist fanfiction writers in the time-honored tradition of learning through pain. Bleeprin was born here, as was the color wilver and the Sue disease Vambiolaria.
Life at HFA[]
Fanwriters who attend HFA are Sorted into one of four houses:
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The color of each house is a pale or pastel version of its sound-alike canonical house's color (Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin respectively). The dorms are in their canonical locations. Those that didn't have a confirmed canonical location moved around until the question was settled.
Courses[]
Fanwriters at HFA are taught the basics of decent writing and Harry Potter canon through a variety of classes and seminars taught by the Potterverse canon characters. Well-behaved students may also be allowed on field trips to other canon locations.
- Alternate Universes and You
- Teachers: Mad-Eye Moody and Dolores Umbridge
- Location: The Transfiguration classroom
- Featured in: Year 2
- Concerns the construction and rationalization of AU stories. Textbooks used in this class include AUs and You (author unknown) and Alternate Universes for Pansy-Ass Fanwriters by Mad-Eye Moody. Chapter twelve of the latter is "Circumstances to Alter a Canon Character, and How Not to Muck Them Up Too Badly."
- A related seminar taught by Moody, "Let Dead Dogs Stay Really Dead," focused on the surge of Sirius Black resurrection fics in the wake of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
- Bane of Filch
- Teachers: Sirius Black and the Weasley twins
- Featured in: Year 1
- Lessons concern magical pranking and forms of comedy relating thereto. Students are taught to evaluate canon pranks by their level of ingenuity; contributing factors include using a device of the prankster's own invention. Demonstrations tend to be hands-on.
- The textbook Dances with Rubber Chickens with Pineapples Round Their Necks and Amusingly Shaped Vegetables Stuck Up Their Noses: An Introduction to Comedy is presumably used in this class.
- The Commitment of Evilness
- Teachers: The Lord Voldemort Co-op
- Featured in: Year 1
- Despite its silly name, this is a serious course about evil in the Potterverse. Students are taught a healthy fear of certain Dark Lords and other evil characters.
- Crossover Class
- Teachers: Various
- Featured in: Year 1
- A special seminar, including a field trip to another Fanfiction University. In Year One, HFA students visited OFUM while OFUM students visited HFA. The class provides an up-close and personal look at the differences between universes so that fanwriters can see why they shouldn't be mashed together willy-nilly. For instance, what happens when you personally annoy Lord Elrond, Lady Galadriel, or any Dark Lord.
- Dueling Seminar
- Teachers: Filius Flitwick, Severus Snape, and Alastor Moody
- Location: The Great Hall
- Featured in: Year 1
- In concept, an object lesson on real spell-casting. In practice, utter chaos.
- Fun With Puns 101 and 201
- Teacher: Severus Snape
- Featured in: Year 1
- Notably un-fun. Snape did not want to teach this course (or any at all, for that matter) and only agreed to get out of being the publicity agent for the House-Elf Recording Artists Association instead. He takes out his frustration on anyone who makes bad puns in class.
- The 201 level concerns insults. Originality is encouraged. Clichés are punished.
- Fundamentals of Fluff
- Teachers: The parents of commonly shipped students
- Featured in: Year 1
- Designed for maximum awkwardness, this class teaches how to build up a plausible, in-character romance between any given pairing. Lessons begin with het pairings and proceed to slash. Classwork includes diagramming the personalities of canon characters.
- How Not to Get Wapped with MWPP
- Teachers: The Marauders and Lily Potter
- Location: The History of Magic classroom
- Featured in: Year 2
- A class dedicated to the "Marauder Era" and associated fanon tropes. The instructors pronounce "MWPP" as em-wapp.
- Magical Heredity and You
- Teacher: Remus Lupin
- Location: The edge of the Forbidden Forest, near Hagrid's hut
- Featured in: Year 1
- Lessons concern what species can and cannot interbreed in the Potterverse, and plausible kinship ties an original character could have to a canon character. To discourage illogical creature heritages, fanwriters are encouraged to picture the scenario of, e.g., a unicorn mating with a human in the hope that the mental images will accomplish what basic biology alone cannot.
- Planning Your Plots
- Teacher: Percy Weasley
- Location: The front lawn, near the lake
- Featured in: Year 2
- A whole-school seminar about "coming up with story ideas, fleshing them out, and creating a decent fanfiction." Involves live plotbunnies.
- Potterverse Fashion: When a Tankini Just Won't Do
- Teachers: Madam Rosmerta and Rita Skeeter
- Location: A chamber near Gryffindor House
- Featured in: Year 2
- As it says, a course on fashion appropriate for Potterverse settings. In one lesson, students were allowed to select outfits that a wizard or witch might wear during the 1990s. Their choices were critiqued by the course instructors plus Bellatrix Lestrange and Argus Filch with the assistance of Harry's Fodfather.
- Practical Wizardry
- Teacher: Minerva McGonagall, Percy Weasley, and Hermione Granger
- Location: The Potions classroom (yr. 2)
- Featured in: Year 1 & 2
- Provides an overview of Hogwarts' canonical curriculum, including the major classes and some independent studies. Students who pass the Theoretical in the first term are placed in the Lab Practical in the second term, and permitted to use a wand. Practical Wizardry was considered the "nerdy class" by students, but the allure of getting their own wands made up for it.
- Quidditch Is Not for Everyone
- Teachers: Various
- The Quidditch pitch
- Featured in: Year 1
- Deliberately held at the coldest time of year so students can experience the drawbacks of broomsticks. The final exam is a Quidditch match, ideally held during a Punctuation Downpour.
- This Is a Spellcheck... Use It
- Teachers: Arthur Weasley and Hermione Granger
- Featured in: Year 1
- In theory, a simple class designed to teach fanwriters how to use spellcheck while writing. In practice, getting computers to function in Hogwarts proved an insurmountable challenge. Charts and pantomime are used instead.
- Tea and Crumpets: British for Dummies
- Teacher: Cuthbert Binns
- Featured in: Year 1
- While writing Harry Potter fanfiction in British English is not necessary, realizing that it is used by characters native to the UK is. Fanwriters who pass a test on their knowledge of British English are exempt from this class. Those who fail the test are subject to weekly three-hour lectures on topics such as why the suffix -er is sometimes written -re.
Locations[]
- Aerobics Lair
- The secret, heavily fortified staff section.
- The Plagiarists' Inferno
- Where those who commit plagiarism are roasted for the offense.
- Rockabye Fortress
- The classroom claimed as a headquarters by the inter-house student group Lusters United.
- The Whinging Scab
- A pub within Aerobics Lair where the staff can kick back with a drink.
Year One[]
HFA's first year of operation ran from September 2002 through June 2003. During this term, student Ally White grew from a Harry-luster with horrible SPaG into a stalwart canon-defender who so distinguished herself that she was made the leader of the following term's body of non-canon staff, the Order of the Sphinx.
Non-Canon Staff[]
HFA is led by Course Coordinator Meir Brin. In Year One, she had three extracanonical assistants:
- Dark One Shadowphyre - Security Officer. Shape-shifter, and occasionally mistaken for the Dark Lord, to the fanwriters' sorrow.
- Salsa - Shadowphyre's trainee-assistant. Present for the Battle of the Canon. May or may not be the kitten formerly known as Salazar.
- Klose - Sue-Dispatcher. Known to wield a cricket bat made of Selaria and to reside on the Unplottable Isle of Drear.
- Lumenosflaminoscanondenious - Fan-Created Spell Guardian. Literally on fire.
In addition, Agents Aria and Polaris of the PPC provided extra security on classes taught by the most popular lust objects at the time, Remus J. Lupin and Draco Malfoy.
Students[]
| Canonlaw | Lusterbuff | Slashering | Wantingmor | Unknown |
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The Battle of the Canon[]
Following the release of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix on 21 June, 2003, the canon was temporarily destabilized enough to allow a horde of Mary Sues, evil avatars, and slash-wraiths to invade. The staff and students rallied to the defense of the canon characters, aided by reinforcements from the PPC, in what became known as the Battle of the Canon.
Agents known to have taken part in the battle include:
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For their service, each agent was awarded a solid Selaria fork engraved with the words "Overworked, Underpaid, Very Much Appreciated" in loopy writing.
Year Two[]
HFA's second year began in September 2003. Prior to the start of term, HFA received a mysterious package delivered by a pine tree seemingly affiliated with the PPC. The Thing was to be kept secret within the castle; only Meir Brin and the canon and non-canon staff were to know about it. However, the delivery was witnessed by Jack Wrenchman, a down-on-his-luck university student hired to spy on HFA by Malcolm Ruthander (known by code name "R").
Meanwhile, the self-styled Deep Master of Fanfiction, Fender Blackorn, was enrolled for the offenses of "mangling characters to suit your own purpose" and "blatant disregard of constructive criticism." He was sorted into Slashering, as best befit his tendency to write angst-ridden purple prose. He disdained HFA and his fellow fans alike, regarding himself well above it all. Naturally, the Ironic Overpower its work cut out for it, taking him down a peg or five.
Unbeknownst to anyone, Ruthander and Wrenchman infiltrated one of Fender's fanfics using technology stolen from the PPC and used it as a base of operations from which to continue their search for the Thing. Thanks to Wrenchman, they knew it was at HFA, but not where in the castle it was hidden. Ruthander needed it to carry out his personal crusade against what he considered "disrespectful, ugly debauchery" that made the Harry Potter fandom unsafe for children. The exact nature of the Thing remains mysterious, but the whispers of an OOC Severus Snape once spoke of something called the Muse Stone...
Students[]
Year Two saw a surge in the student population. In addition to new first years, some of Year One's graduating class were (un)lucky enough to violate the terms of their fanfiction licenses, earning them a second term at HFA.
For the sake of space, only those students with confirmed houses and/or ties to the PPC are listed here.
| Canonlaw | Lusterbuff | Slashering | Wantingmor | Unknown |
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The Order of the Sphinx[]
At the end of Year One, Meir Brin created an "Emergency Canon Guard" to help the staff protect HFA from incursions of Mary Sues and other threats. The group of twenty became known officially as the Order of the Sphinx. Some of the most accomplished HFA graduates were selected as members, including Ally White as the leader. Each member received a uniform: black with gold trim for Ally, black with silver trim for the others. Members also received a specialized portkey, a gold galleon worn on a necklace, that could transport them from the Real World to HFA, garbed for battle.
The Order of the Sphinx had a secret lair known as Oedipus Inferno (not to be confused with the Plagiarists' Inferno).
Members included:
- Ally White
- Dethryl
- Em†‡
- Jocelyn†‡
- Leo Haven†
- Molly Morgan
- Neshomeh†‡
- Newmoon†
- Pineapple Queen
- Rhiannon
Fan Creation Glossary[]
If you spell a canon character's name wrong, you get a mini-Aragog. If you mangle canon concepts badly enough or make up a spell with a nonsense word for an incantation, you get...
- The Blocktiria
- A cafeteria built entirely out of Lego bricks and staffed by Lego people. The food is said to be reasonable.
- Chumdeleidalalala
- The house-elf work song. Insanely catchy. Infamously sung to Lusterbuff House by the House-Elf Recording Artists Association... all night long. Chumdeleida la la la, chumdeleidalalala, chumdeleida de...
- The Dursely Jelly-Monster
- A purple, six-foot-tall, 184-pound, blackberry-flavored gelatin creature. Known to whistle "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" while sticking misbehaving fangirls to the ceiling.
- The Weasely Jelly-monster is a similar creature made of apricot jam.
- Foo Powder
- Works like Floo Powder, but turns the flames first sickly brown, then urple, and is used to travel between universes (e.g. from HFA to OFUM or to PPC Headquarters). However, it isn't always reliable.
- Habadaba Queenia
- A spell invented by Ally White and used by a Mary Sue in the Battle of the Canon. Imprisons a target inside a glittering rainbow bubble suspended in midair.
- Harry's Fodfather
- A thing that somehow resembles a patch of grass and a buffet line at the same time. Passes through cuisine phases with the seasons.
- Ipiopius
- A type of mold found growing in HFA's plumbing. Used as a coating for wands, enabling them to be used by Muggles.
- Kuswort
- A yellow plant that smells of vomit. The only substance known to resist a Vambiolaria infection.
- Loveratus
- A cologne that, when smelled, makes one lust after Rattus rattus or, e.g., Peter Pettigrew.
- The M-squad
- A group of misspellings of the word "Marauders" come to life. All four are about two feet tall and made of a green jelly like an overgrown bathroom fungus. They wear black masks and little brown sacks with eyeholes punched in them over their heads. Additionally, Maruader1 has wolf fangs, Maurader2 has a rat tail, Maurderer3 has dog ears, and Maurauder4 (the leader) has deer antlers.
- The Pensive
- A Styrofoam basin containing a bluish-white liquid. It functions a bit like a phone, transmitting sound long-distance.
- Plothole
- While not original to the Potterverse fandom, plotholes manifest uniquely at HFA as silvery clouds that can suck in the unwary and transport them elsewhere, at random.
- Preetypansy Polkadotses
- A spell invented by Ally White that manifested in relatively tame polka-dotted pansies. Some were used to decorate the Petrified Mary Sue in the entrance hall.
- Selaria
- Giant bronze celery stalks. Can refer either to the plant or the material made from the plant. The material can be used much like regular bronze or brass. Or to build a siege engine, if you're the Lord Voldemort Co-op.
- Tantaflaf
- Food, allegedly. It has a goopy, taffy-like texture, a pinkish color, and a sugary, cabbagey odor.
- Ten-Tongue Taffy
- Taffy that causes tiny tongues to sprout from the eyebrows when ingested.
- The To-Roga plant
- A fangirl-eating plant used to guard the staff section.
- Vambiolaria
- The dreaded Mary Sue disease.