"Celebrian" is a smut fanfiction story set in Middle-earth. It is infamous for its graphic and disgusting sex scenes, and reading it is something of a rite of passage for PPCers. (Voluntary, of course. We may be insane, but we're not evil.) It generally leaves readers unable to stand vanilla ice cream or the color lavender for some time after reading it. Another PPC tradition is to censor the title when writing, e.g. "C*l*br**n" or "C*l*b*i*n." The author was later revealed to be a troll.
Note for newbies: This is considered a Legendary Badfic. New PPCers will sometimes try to read as many Legendaries as they can before going insane as a rite of passage. DO NOT DO THIS. THIS INCLUDES THE PLOT DESCRIPTIONS. THEY WILL TRAUMATIZE YOU AND YOU WILL GO INSANE. Think of badfic as alcohol. You need experience, maturity, and caution to handle it, and too much is very bad. Fun fact: the author of this paragraph read this as their first fanfiction ever, and still has a tough time reading fanfic today.
WARNING: The following summary contains sexual content that could be considered disturbing.
The story begins with Elrond's wife, Celebrian, in the throne room of the Goblin King. It is revealed that she had been captured as she was sleeping on a cave on the top of the Redhorn pass. Then the Goblin King commands the orcs to strip her and clean her. After that, they bring out an almost non-existent garment made of silk straps, which highlight her (suddenly lavender) nipples and labia. Celebrian quakes, but vows that though the orcs may degrade her, they will never have her soul.
She is then given a stool to sit on before the orcs give her a drug that causes her to feel sexual desire for the Goblin King, making her service him before being sent back to her cell. When she wakes up, she becomes ashamed about her actions. However, this mood doesn't last, as when the orcs take her to the Goblin King again, she expresses a moment of arousal at several orcs who were flashing her. Then, the drug is given to her again and the first sex scene is repeated, the only difference being that the Goblin King tries to penetrate her anus and fails.
Celebrian is then taken back to her cell, and the next day, the orcs bring her a new gown, rags to clean herself, and a comb. The day after that, the orcs insert a dildo in her anus, which they replace with larger ones coated in lubricant to help ease their passage into her rear. She slowly grows used to this. Before long, an elf from Rivendell, Ithalond, is brought to her cell. He had been one of the warriors sent by Elrond, and had been captured and amputated by the orcs.
In a moment of empathy, she tries to nurse him back to health. Then, when the Goblin King brings Celebrian to his throne room, he doesn't give her the draught; instead, he threatens to torture and kill Ithalond unless she has sex with him willingly. She agrees, and it turns out that Ithalond is in the room, restrained by the orcs so that he can see his queen enjoying the experience. Later in their cell, Celebrian defends her actions as necessary to save him, but the elf accuses her of being unfaithful to Elrond. He later dies, and Celebrian does not grieve due to his (justified) scorn.
Celebrian is then brought before the king, and after another sex scene, is asked if she wishes to have larger breasts like the orc women that are present. Under the influence of the drug, she agrees, and the orcs give her a liquid that makes her breasts grow. She is fed milk to accelerate the process. Soon after, Celebrian is rescued by Elrond's warriors and brought to Rivendell, where she tries to recover from her ordeal.
However, she is haunted by her memories and her plea to have her breasts enlarged through orc-sorcery. In spring, a group of merchants arrive from the east, a large party with 'cows for milk and steers for beef'. These then introduce her to the delights of ice cream. Elrond, noticing how much she enjoys it, decides to have it made in Rivendell, importing cows and milkmaids, as well as a man to teach the elves to take care of the cows and make the ice cream.
The delicacy becomes a common fixture of nights in Rivendell. Unfortunately, it also accelerates the growth of Celebrian's breasts because of the milk it contains. Elrond notices and performs a spell to stop the growth, which fails because Celebrian accepted the orcs' sorcery willingly. This causes a freeze in their relations as the latter begins to enjoy her new chest. Eventually, they end up sleeping in separate chambers, allowing Celebrian to indulge in bizarre forms of masturbation. At this point, the other elves, as well as Elrond and the reader, are disgusted by her.
A second group of merchants, these ones from Harad, arrive; with them is Manet, a part-orc. Bizarrely, he is given an audience with Elrond, where he makes vague promises of silk from Harad. Later, when Celebrian is on a trip alone, she finds a package left by the part-orc, which contains the silk garment from her time in captivity and a dildo. After wondering if this is part of a ploy, she brings them to her room, where the dildo comes to life and becomes part of a graphic scene, which is interrupted by Manet.
He threatens to reveal her doings to Elrond unless she has sex with him and shows him the secret passages out of Rivendell. She does both, and then starts feasting on ice cream to make her breasts grow. Manet soon returns, leading an attack on Rivendell. Celebrian escapes with him and he brings her to another group of orcs (the first group was killed).
Then Celebrian pleasures the new Goblin King, Igthuk, who proposes that she be his new queen, provided that she service his bodyguards. She agrees, and he gives her jewelry with 'erotic' images on them. Then, the elf is made to bite into a wooden apple, which the Goblin King then pulls out along with all of her teeth. Celebrian's gums are healed with another draught, and she is sent to another underground cell, where Manet gives her a black root to further soften her gums.
In the morning, she is returned to the great hall, where she services the guards. After that, she takes the throne next to the Goblin King's, and the readers are treated to the sight of human slaves whose bodies were deformed by orcish treatment. Celebrian expresses no empathy over this. Then the guards return, and are serviced again before she returns to the king's side for the evening. The next day, the guards have one last 'session' with her. Then, in the afternoon, the Goblin King brings 12 wargs before her, and reminds her that her promise was to service all the males in his guard, including the steeds.
She does so, and after the wargs are satisfied, the Goblin King reveals that the guards each have a war-horse as well. Without hesitation, Celebrian services them, too. In the subsequent days, her gums heal enough for the Goblin King to order that she be given a pair of new teeth. Her body also changes to accommodate her new lifestyle. When the Goblin King dies, she marries his successor. It turns out that Elrond survived Manet's attack, and has spread word that Celebrian has gone to Valinor as she cannot bear the burdens of Middle-earth (the canonical storyline). The story ends three hundred years later, with an orc musing that 'she will last for millennia'.
- "What is this?"
- "Now do the rest"
- "He is but a work in progress. Next he loses his feet."
- "Ithalond, I did it to spare you," she cried.
- "You seemed to like the iced-treat they made. You had several helpings."
- "Fear not, Celebrian, I can turn back this magic."
WARNING! These links are not work-safe or brain-safe! Do not click unless you are prepared for the horror that lies ahead!
- "Celebrian - The Mission," also by Huinesoron, that poor crazy man.
- Dramatic Reading of "Celebrian," taken on by the team TheDramaticReadings on YouTube.