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Candace Van Allen, AKA "Candie the sk8er g1rl," was a Mary Sue slain by Agents Jay Thorntree and Rhus Radicans. She appeared in a Lord of the Rings badfic, a songfic based on Avril Lavigne's "Anything But Ordinary" and something by Shania Twain. Candie is the last known Sue killed by Agent Jay Thorntree.

Character History[]

Candie was a fifteen-year-old purple-haired "sk8ter g1rl." She ran away from home because her boyfriend was overprotective, her mother had died in childbirth, and her dad beat her. Upon arrival in Middle-earth (having been sent there by two bit characters using a dreamcatcher), she pulled on the elves' ears and high-fived Elrond. Candi was forced to join the Fellowship because Elrond wanted to get rid of her; soon afterward, she attempted to murder Arwen.

Candie's misspelling of "bag" created Schlecht the Bad.


Candie was charged with "crimes against canon, first and foremost the pushing-out-of-character of Elrond Peredhil and his children, followed closely by putting Mirkwood next to Rivendell, putting a RAIL in Rivendell, making Legolas say 'OK', making ELROND say 'OK', putting a rail where no rail ought to be just so you can skateboard, in-text author's notes, shockingly annoying songs, ... pulling on the ears of elves, making pointy ears more important than they deserve to be, being stupid, having purple hair, annoying the living shit out of me by having irritating background music, and being far too angsty to remain living ... [and] misuse of a dreamcatcher."

Character Demise[]

As Candie held a razor to Arwen's throat, Jay stopped time with the Dead Time Watch from the video game Alice (for which she had traded a lightsaber before her twentieth mission), allowing Rhus to grab Candie while she was frozen and helpless.

Candie was tied up and trampled by Mumakil.

Mission Report[]