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The Cafeteria is the primary location where PPC agents and staff can get something to eat in Headquarters. It is run by cafeteria workers in the Department of Operations. Their flash patch is the underside of an orange pore fungus.[1]


Apparently everything decided to be an ugly brown today.

The entrance to the Cafeteria is (at least sometimes) found on one side of the wide atrium containing the Fountain of Bleepka.[2][3] The dining area is much like what you'd find in a school or office building in World One. It has a speckled green-gray tile floor, cheap chairs made of metal and obviously fake leather, and equally cheap tables made from equally obvious fake wood.[4]

The food ranges from fairly normal options like pizza, macaroni and cheese, liver and onions, and hamburgers[4] to more bizarre fare such as Stu of the Day and other semi-edible substances.[source, please!] However, the food has a reputation for being appalling, and desirable items are often entered into a lottery and served to the lucky few.[source, please!] Agents are often wary of their meals, with good reason.[5][6]

From the quantity of food served, it is obviously run by multiple workers; but each Cafeteria worker never sees another cook.[7] The vast kitchens are not entirely situated on the same plane of existence, and it is possible to disappear from view going from one end to the other.[8]


The Cafeteria was an early part of Headquarters; it was the site of the third and final Council of the Civil War.[9] It was separated from Room One by five worlds.

In 2006, the main PPC Cafeteria was the scene of an incident where Agents Logan and Entropy accidentally portalled several uncanonical characters (some Elvish bit characters, a Cute Animal Friend lynx and an uncanonical Radagast in the form of a grizzly bear) into it while on a mission. Although the uncanonical characters were dispatched by the PPC agents present, there was significant disturbance to the cafeteria, which was swiftly repaired by Logan and Entropy as part of their punishment.[10]

In 2008, the Cafeteria served as a rallying point against the invading Mary Sues. Various agents used themselves as bait, enticing the Sues to chase them into the Cafeteria, where the Sues were annihilated by PPC-allied Daleks from the mirror multiverse. Agent Techno-Dann notably disguised himself as Legolas in a Speedo.[11]

In 2013, the Cafeteria was the site of the creation and containment of the meatloaf aberration Slorp. Several Cafeteria workers lost their lives in the containment of the monster, and were duly mourned at the Tomb of the Unknown PPC Agent. However, Slorp's containment field drained the power from the rest of HQ, causing the Blackout. Slorp was inadvertently freed by Agent Morgan, who then teamed up with various other agents and the Doctor to destroy the monster.[6]

Other Cafeterias[]

There seem to be multiple cafeterias. As of 1999 HST, a cafeteria near DoSAT had fallen into disuse,[source, please!] but may be in use currently. The DoSAT cafeteria could be the same place as the café where Acacia once ran into Makes-Things; the café was known to serve real food like chicken salad sandwiches in addition to junk food and chocolate.[12] It also supplied raw bacon and eggs for minis.[13]

The Department of Emergencies had its own cantina, which featured a dragonmeat-day.[14] Its fate following the merger of the DE into the Department of Floaters is unknown.

DIO Central had a cafeteria of its own, smaller but better than the main cafeteria, to allow DIO agents to remain separate from the rest of the PPC.[15] There are also untrue rumours of DIA Central having an officers' cafeteria.[16]