The Mechanics

''If you're looking for spelling, grammar, and/or punctuation, see their respective pages. This article is about something QUITE different.''

The Mechanics, reduced to the absolute basics, go something like this: Tab A inserted into Slot B, coupled with suitable manipulation of Button C. Unless you're a dinosaur, in which case you lack not only Button C but also a fully formed Tab A (and your Slot B is in fact an orifice of a nature entirely different from that which badficcers are used to), and so should not be attempting anything that may later warrant inclusion on this page.

Many badficcers have precious little knowledge of The Mechanics. This leads to charges such as bad biology, dubious lube and squick.

When The Mechanics come up as mangled in a fic, it's usually the Department of Bad Slash that deals with them, although Sues are often caught having it off implausibly with canon characters such as Legolas. In these cases the Department of Mary Sues will send in their agents, who are usually extremely unhappy about this course of action.

Common problems with The Mechanics in badfic include:


 * Not There.
 * Dubious lube.
 * Assuming your characters are bendier than actual endoskeletal creatures have any call to be.
 * Exaggerating the prowess of one of the protagonists so that the other has an almost immediate orgasm with barely any foreplay.
 * Ridiculously proportioned genitals, to the point of Not There.
 * Causing bodily fluids of an intimate nature to taste of things that they really don't taste of (for example: champagne and strawberries).
 * Making the first time of a character not be at all painful, and also making them know exactly what they are doing.
 * For fertile het couples: Not using any form of contraception and yet not having them even worry about the possibility of a pregnancy.
 * Mpreg (almost always, though there are rare exceptions).
 * Assuming your characters have a good bit more stamina than their species is known to have. This is harder to judge for species of which precious little is said in canon about their sex-lives, but it's fairly safe to assume that a human is not actually able to have sex for twenty-four hours straight. Even with creatures who could potentially have more stamina it can be taken too far, e.g. a fic in which a demonic character from the anime Inuyasha was described as reaching orgasm five hundred and sixty-two times in three days, while evidently keeping count (for the curious, that adds up to once every eight minutes without stopping).
 * Applying the wrong name or function to various body parts, e.g. assuming that the clitoris is an orifice, or, as on one memorable occasion at Weepingcock, assuming that the prostate is the same thing as the penis.
 * Disregard of basic hygiene, e.g. couples going directly from anal to vaginal or oral sex without washing first.