Dubious Lube

It is the curse of the Bad Slasher to be confronted on a regular basis by the use of lubricants that defy common sense, logic and sanity. While some dubious lubes are merely ineffective, others, such as aloe vera, may necessitate emergency first aid once the malign influence of the Author-Wraith has been exorcised.

Instances of dubious lube or lack of it (warning; squickiness lurks below);


 * Saliva; probably the most common and least likely to actually work although still better than the 'ah well, it'll be fine!' approach to teh gaysex.


 * Blood; amongst the more disturbing, particularly when combined with the above approach, as in 'ah well, it'll be fine, there'll be blood in a few minutes'.


 * 'They don't need lube, they're Elves!' is just odd.


 * Tequila is amongst possibly the most harmful. And least likely to work, given mucous membranes absorbing alcohol ... look, it just doesn't work and may end in chemical burns, okay?


 * Many Elves apparently just randomly carry around in their 'belt purses' a bottle of 'light, scented oil' for apparently no reason, but which comes in very handy when they randomly have it off. Because as we know, Elves just can't keep it in their pants. In this case the dubiousness comes from the magical convenience of finding the lube, rather than the substance itself.

Many of these have not been verified, but nobody dares to go looking to find out if they're true.
 * Rumours from Livejournal's Fanficrants and Weepingcock communities and the GodAwful FanFiction Board tell of fics featuring, among other things:
 * coffee,
 * chocolate products that were designed to be eaten rather than placed in other orifices,
 * shampoo,
 * sunblock,
 * seawater,
 * peanut butter,
 * vegetable soup,
 * molten metal,
 * bamboo shoots (not sap, actual shoots, which should by rights be solid),
 * molten wax,
 * washing up liquid,
 * honey (ew, sticky),
 * fresh urine (yes, you read that one right),
 * hydrochloric acid (Argh!)
 * and glue (terrifyingly enough this has now been mentioned on fanficrants twice, we can only hope they were both referring to the same fic).