Department of Bad Slash

One of the first PPC departments, mentioned in the Original Series, the Department of Bad Slash was originally inhabited by the nymphomaniacal Agent Luxury and her partner (in more ways than one), Sean. Since then it has expanded, although not much; Agents employed by the DBS are exposed to mind-numbingly bad romance, erotica and biological aberrations on a daily basis, and consume vast amounts of mind-altering chemicals (see bleeprin) in order to deal with it. Add to this the fact that as slashfiction more often than not does not involve original characters, there is precious little soothing homicide to be had, and it is understandable that Bad Slash is not the most popular beat amongst those drawn to the Canon Protection Initiative.

In response to the need for agents to deal with fics in which the main offence is badly written heterosexual relations, the Division of Bad Het has been formed as part of the DBS. There are currently four Bad Slash agents working in the Lord of the Rings; Agents Sean and Luxury, Agent Tulath and Agent Pablo Dretti. The Harry Potter universe is guarded by Agent Dee and Agent Milask, and Agents Trojanhorse and Paddlebrains will work anywhere and on anything of any rating, specialising in NC-17.

Methods
In the Department of Bad Slash, slash authors are assumed to have possessed canon characters acting oddly. Thus the common method for correcting the work is to exorcise the spirit of the author ('author-wraith'). To this end all DBS Agents are equipped with whatever might be the appropriate interpretation of 'bell, book and candle' for their chosen universe. In Arda, for instance, a standard bell and candle are teamed with various volumes of the works of Tolkien. In Harry Potter, the book will be the most apt book of the series. In the event of exorcising the author-wraith from a non-fictional person, the book will be whatever works they are known for; for actors it will be recordings of their films, for musicians, copies of their albums. Exorcisms are usually carried out with the standard 'Avaunt, all ye elementals!' and 'Get thee behind me!' vocabulary, and the phrase 'the power of TOLKIEN compels you!' (or ROWLING, or PIERCE, or SPIELBERG, insert-author-here) is generally used as the coup de grace. Author-wraiths may be captured in jars, but usually they will dissipate and take any geographical aberrations with them. Author-wraiths have been known to communicate with Agents.

Charge List
This is the charge list as used by freelance agents Trojanhorse and Paddlebrains. Other Bad Slashers may have variants of this chargelist; it is not such a hard-and-fast checklist as that of the Department of Mary Sues. Bad Slash agents don't get to read out a grand list of charges before killing things; instead, a chargelist is filed at the end of each mission simply for the sake of keeping things in order. Thus, the chargelist doesn't always feature too heavily in the narratives of the DBS. Nevertheless, for those who have written slash that got PPCd, or who are writing slash and don't WANT it to be PPCd, or are curious about what really pisses off the Agents who actually choose to spend their time delving into other people's sordid fantasies, here it is:

1: Degrees of Plotlessness (please note, these categories only apply to bad slash. Good slash will have a plot-category in the negative numbers. For example, The Shoebox Project is a -5, the lowest-rating slashfic known to exist)

0: Your average Mills and Boon novel.

1: Plot exists but is only there to make sure that the characters end up in bed together.

2: Every scene involves romance/slash/UST.

3: True PWP; There is no plot, only descriptions of “scenarios”.

2: Biological Charges

2.1: Causing characters to engage in implausible sex.

2.2: Causing characters to engage in painful sex.

2.3: Writing pairings that are biologically/logically improbable; Hobbit/Elf, Hobbit/man, Orc/Anything good, Balrog/Anything, Sauron/ANYTHING

2.4: Demonstrating the fact that you didn’t do sex education and know nothing of biology.

2.5: Causing male characters to become pregnant in a ‘serious’ fic. (M-Preg may be permissible in a comedy fic. The agent is advised to use their discretion.)

3: Self-Insertions/Original Characters

3.1: Being an OC.

3.2: Being an avatar.

3.3: Being a Mary Sue.

This last is the most serious charge. By the rules of the PPC no Mary-Sue may live, although some have in the past been recruited as agents. However it is most desirable for all inserted characters to die. Serious Mary-Sues may be referred to the Department of Mary Sues. 4: Grammar, Punctuation, Spelling. 4.1: Grammar used throughout the fic is appalling.

4.2: Punctuation used throughout the fic is appalling.

4.3: Spelling throughout the fic is appalling.

It is important that the ‘throughout the fic’ clause is included; to some extent allowance must be made for typos or simply for errors that were not picked up, however irritating this allowance may be to agents.

4.4: Blatantly not having a beta-reader.

4.5: Having an incompetent beta-reader.

4.6; The creation of mini-Balrogs through the mis-spelling of canon names

5: Messing with Canon. 5.1	a: Calling Rivendell/Lothlorien a kingdom,

b: Calling Elrond/Celeborn a king, or Galadriel a Queen,

c: Calling Elladan/Elrohir/Arwen/a Mary-Sue a prince or princess,

5.2: Creating new locations in Middle Earth.

5.3: Calling Thranduil an alcoholic/consumed by greed.

5.4: Calling Elrond a know-it-all/arrogant/pompous/unkind.

5.5: Calling Denethor an abusive father during Boromir/Faramir’s childhood. However he may have been during the War of the Ring when he had of course been influenced by the malevolence of the Palantir, there was no indication that he was an abusive father when they were small.

5.6: Causing any member of the Free Peoples to rape another.

5.7: Writing incestuous relationships. (Agents are often lax when it comes to ‘twincest’ or ‘twinshipping’ as it is often called. Constant vigilance must be exercised.)

5.8: Not knowing the relationships between the various Elves mentioned in the books. No, Galadriel is NOT Elrond’s wife. Any author knowing the names of Elladan and Elrohir/Glorfindel is considered to have read the books and therefore to have no excuse in this matter. Leniency may be considered in the case of those authors who have obviously only seen the movies. By leniency we mean that death is not to be too painful or protracted.

6: Miscellaneous charges. 6.1: Pissing off a PPC agent.

Usually added to any charge sheet simply because by virtue of the nature of the job, agents are pissed off by every author they encounter. Procedures

In the Bad Slash department the exorcism is the traditional tool for the reinstatement of canon. Characters infected by the Author-wraith should be restrained (gaffer tape is useful here) and exorcised as follows Any combination of the following lines is permissible

[Get thee behind me Angst!

Get thee behind me Unrelenting Sexual Tension!

Get thee behind me Rape!

Get thee behind me PWP!

Get thee behind me Slash!

You have no more power in this continuum!

The Power of Tolkien compels you! (insert the appropriate author’s name depending on continuum)

Avaunt!]

Suitably dramatic additions such as ‘foul denizens of the Netherworld’ are allowed. For an exorcism to be successful there must be a bell, a book and candles. The book must of course be by the author of the continuum; for example ‘the Fellowship of the Ring’ for a LOTR fic or ‘Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets’ for a Harry Potter fic.

For an RP Bad Slash fic, exorcism is more complicated, and it is up to the agent to determine those methods which they find most efficacious. Often this may simply consist of smacking the person around the head until they pass out, and then exorcising as per the ‘Baptist-preacher-dealing-with-Satan’ standard.

Unless a Mary-Sue, avatar or OC is present, Bad Slash agents may refrain from using disguises in fictional continuums.

Assassinations of self-insertions/OCs should by rights only be carried out by trained PPC assassins. However, these often reclusive and obdurate creatures have enough of their own fics to worry about, and so assassination may be taken care of by the Bad Slash agent. In these cases imagination is encouraged, but it is forbidden to transport an OC to any continuum other than the one it inhabits, no matter how satisfactory it may be to dump a Mary-Sue into the Jurassic Park, Dante’s Peak, or Godzilla continuums and watch them get torn apart by velociraptors/engulfed by a pyroclastic cloud/stomped on by a huge lizard.

Unless they are likely to have to perform an assassination, it is frowned upon for DBS agents to take weaponry into the field.

Equipment approved for use in the DBS;

Gaffer tape: A broad plastic backed tape of extreme adhesive properties, used for the restraining of canons during exorcism.

Character Analysis Device; An often finicky instrument, nominally for judging the degree of OOC-ness of a canon character, but more often for simply establishing plot tension during a PPC report. Tend to blow up/fizzle out/malfunction in amusing ways if pointed at a character over eighty percent OOC.

Remote Activator: Another finicky instrument, but more generally reliable than the CAD. Opens portals into continuums.

Neuralyser: From the Men in Black continuum, and altered slightly for use in the PPC. Wipes memories.

Bell: A cup-shaped piece of bronze/brass with a wooden handle attached at the apex of the cup, and a pendulous lump of metal inside it. Makes a clanging noise when shaken. Standard exorcism equipment.

Candles: Generally a tall stick of tallow or other unsavoury wax/fat products, with a wick embedded in it. Also from the standard exorcism kit.

Books: The original fiction from which canon is derived. The books an agent brings on an assignment depend on the continuum. Many agents prefer hardback editions; while they may be heavier and more unwieldy than paperbacks, they are more generally efficacious in an exorcism situation in that they may be used to beat the canon senseless, should said canon be obstreperous or violent.

Notebook: Self explanatory. Used to take notes for the report which all agents must write after finishing an assignment.

Pencil: To be used in conjunction with the notebook. Any agents not sure of the functions of a pencil should report to their immediate superiors.