Trojanhorse

Agent Trojanhorse (Trojie) is a Bad Slash agent specialising in NC-17 badslash from any universe, and especially that involving Real People. She is one of five Agent characters written by Trojanhorse Heales-Shadowfax.

Appearance
Agent Trojie is of average height, generic Caucasian, with mucky-blonde hair which she keeps in a ponytail that reaches to her waist. She will generally wear a pair of tattered jeans and an even more tattered band shirt, with her PPC uniform jacket over the top, unless forced into full uniform by one of the Flowers That Be. She wears glasses.

Character
In general, Trojie is easy-going, when not confronted by poor biology or rape scenes. Her language is creatively filthy, and her most often over-heard saying is 'in the Holy Name of Kurt Cobain!' Her lust-objects are any of the members of Nirvana or Led Zeppelin, Dave Lister, and Faramir. Trojie likes to think of herself as musical, and indeed she listens to and plays a lot of music. Her singing voice is best described as 'enthusiastic but haphazard', and she plays the guitar in much the same way. Trojie suffers from Discworld kleptomania. In any other continuum she is as sane and work-orientated as any Agent can be expected to be, but when in the Discworld or indeed any Terry Pratchett (and to a lesser extent Neil Gaiman) continuum, she will compulsively steal anything that isn't nailed down. These range from things like pigeon feathers, chip wrappers and dried turds, to valuables and legendary Disc artefacts. A list of the more interesting things Trojie has stolen follows:

The gloomy and purposeless trousers of Uncle Vanya

Cuddy’s broken axe

One of the gold coins Mad Sweeney gave Shadow

A bottle of Wow-Wow Sauce

A copy of the first Ankh-Morpork Times edition

Newt’s firelighters and thumbscrew

A bit of paper autographed by ‘Ande Supporting Bands’ when they were ‘Lead Balloon’

A ‘Band With Rocks In’ t-shirt

Wednesday’s silver tie pin

The bells of the Glingleglingleglingle Fairy

The stuffed badger from Night Watch

One of the rubies the bard dropped at the end of The Last Hero

The New Pie and most of the other bits of the Sorting Engine

Quantum Weather Butterflies

Her exorcism kit also includes the eight pound bell of Witchfinder CSM Horace 'Get Them Afore They Get You' Narker, taken from the Good Omens-verse, where no-one appeared to be paying attention to it. This, along with the length of chain (probably not pilfered from the Disc, but who really knows?) that she wears as a belt, is her favoured weapon.

Partners and Family
Trojie's first long-time partner, Agent Soulshadow is on a long-term hiatus due to her anger-management issues. Since 2004, Trojie has
 * undergone missions solo,
 * sporked the Legendary Badfic Land Before Time: Littlefoot x Cera with Agent Zach Homewood,
 * sporked Real Person badfic with Agent Sparky
 * worked on one mission with Agent Lizzy (which will be posted once complete)

In 2008 she recruited a new permanent partner; Agent Paddlebrains, a Potterverse animagus. They suit each other well, both being snarky and gutterminded, and what with Trojie being a dog-handler, Pads' occasional need for a walk is understood. Lately Pads has been trying to woo Trojie. Trojie is trying to put her off, but appears to be unsuccessful. Trojie would like to take this opportunity to remind Pads of the HQ definition of partner, particularly the second section. Interludes and Ten Years Hence fics have revealed that Pads will eventually be successful in her suit.

In October 2008, the Department of Bad Slash opened its new Division of Mpreg and Trojie and Pads were assigned its sole agent, Oscar Henson, as a new temporary partner in order to give him the training he required for his new job.

Trojie also has an adopted daughter, the Sue replacement of Cera from Chapter 34 of LxC, renamed Marsha Heales-Shadowfax, and currently living in the Nursery. With the premature addition in December 2008 of Spencer Black, the MPreg baby of two internationally famous tennis players, and his half-twin Andy, to their family, Trojie may be right in saying that this family will have some of the oddest family portraits in the history of history.

Pets, Minis etc
Trojie has an inexplicable desire to adopt homeless things. Thus, RC#45 has, at one time or another, contained dogs, cats, mini-Balrogs, mini-Hellhounds, mini-Chimera, mini-Aragogs, mini-Dragons, Quantum Weather Butterflies, and Agent Paddlebrains.

Currently the non-Agent complement of the RC is:
 * one green-brindled, over-sized Great Dane bitch named Absinthe (although Trojie usually just calls her 'dog'), whose talents include apparently endless slobber and the ability to sniff out characters from the Words;
 * various numbers of Quantum Weather Butterflies;
 * a nameless cat rescued from a Disc Suefic;
 * a mini-Chimera named 'byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple)', more usually called Apple, who is a hybrid of hawk and golden retriever;
 * a mini-Aragog named Madam Pomphrey left in the RC accidentally by Oscar;
 * a mini-Dragon named Edmond;
 * and a mini-Balrog named Elebereth who was foisted upon Trojie and Pads by their authors, who accidentally created her.

Isilidur the first mini-Balrog co-owned by Trojie left with Agent Soulshadow, as did Deimos the warg/dog.

Trojie is also involved in an effort to resurrect the Cute Animal Friends Adoption Agency. Suggestions that this is because her RC is running out of space for her to house all the animals that she wants to adopt are purely libel. However it is true that Pads has threatened to find a new partner if Trojie does not get the place up and running and stop bringing animals home.

Missions and Timeline
2003:

Agent Trojanhorse recruited (DBS)

Mission One: Amin Ai Olin. Mpreg, Suvian children, abusive Aragorn, woobiefied Legolas, rape-turns-to-love storyline ... perfect for a newbie, right?

Mission Two: Morning After. Trojie has to exorcise Axl Rose and Kurt Cobain after a highly unlikely night-before-the-morning-after.

Agent Soulshadow recruited, and eventually partnered with Trojanhorse.

Mission Three: Forbidden Love Legolas and Elladan are at it with absolutely no logic or sentence structure. Absinthe and Deimos adopted.

2004:

Mission Four: Hotel Nights. Jimmy Page and Robert Plant have stoned gaysex. Trojie and Soul have something to say about this.

Mission Five: True Love Can Conquer All A forced-marriage plotline, a lot of rape and an on-fire Soulshadow make for an eventful mission. Isilidur the mini-Balrog adopted.

Around late 2004, Trojie is found to be compulsively stealing small items from the Discworld and Good Omensverse, and is banned from any continuua involving Terry Pratchett and/or Neil Gaiman unless specifically ordered to go there for a mission.

2005:

Department of Angst formed, Agent Trojie helps out in their first mission; Good Omens slash is seldom this depressive ...

Agent Soulshadow declared MIA: possibly lost in the bowels of Medical or escaped to an unknown continuum. Isilidur and Deimos go with her.

Trojie continues missions with one-off partners;

Mission Six: Downer with Agent Sparky, in which Kurt Cobain is woobiefied to the nth degree and Trojie nearly has a mental breakdown.

After Downer, Trojie is not heard of for some time. She spent most of 2006 in hiding, it appears. Details as they come out.

2007:

Mission Seven (unreleased): Love is Stronger than Pride with Agent Lizzy.

2008:

Mission Eight: Rhymes With Bang Bang Sob, solo. The members of My Chemical Romance have a 'gangbang party' ...

Agent Paddlebrains recruited.

Mission Nine: Littlefoot x Cera with Agent Zach Homewood.

Agent Paddlebrains partnered with Agent Trojanhorse.

Mission Ten: To The Moon - otherwise known as Paedo!Harry.

Following the realisation that Gillyweed does not, in fact, get you high, Paddlebrains embarks on the Quest for the Sentient Cannabis Plant; Trojie is unwillingly dragged along.

Mission Eleven: A Promise To Be Kept Part One Part Two - technically July and Library's mission; Trojie and Pads come along for the ride, purely for fun and not to nick anything at all, honest. Nameless Cat adopted, by Pads.

Mission Twelve: Out in the Rain - Trojie reveals that she has stolen the New Pie from the Discworld. Hints that this may be used for something drastic in the future. Paddlebrains starts stealing the boots of every Disc character she can mug. Both Agents vow to steal Disc missions from other Agents wherever possible. Gaspode reveals that he knows of the PPC and has done so for some time. Pads and Trojie give him a Dis Organiser to keep in contact with them.

Mission Thirteen: LxC: The DinoSue Strikes Back - Trojie practises her vivisection skills and recruits the Sue replacement of Cera Threehorn, renaming her Marsha. Marsha is sent to the Nursery, but adopted as Trojie's daughter.

Mission Fourteen (unreleased): Pain - Trojie is subjected to the horrors of prepubescent interspecies non-con mpreg.

Mission Fifteen: LxC: Return of the DinoSue.

Mission Sixteen: Fun in Buckland. Trojie finds another reason to resist femmeslash.

Mission Seventeen: Pathways, in two parts. Pads' sneaky method of getting more missions in the continua they like best backfires.

Mission Eighteen: Manhood - in which the agents' sanity goes the same way as Snape's genitals.

Mission Nineteen: The Phantom DinoSue. More LxC, this time with added rape scenes, much to the horror of our heroines.

Mission Twenty: Baby bump, hormones & tennis. Trojie and Pads go to Wimbledon.

Mission Twenty-One: Midnight Visitor. Trojie's desire for Narnia slash goes horribly awry.

Mission Twenty-Two: Doom: Repercussions of Evil. Trojie continues to end up in continua she doesn't understand, thanks to Pads's algorithm.

Mission Twenty-Three: What Happens in Narnia Stays in Narnia. Edmund Pevensie is violated once again.

Mission Twenty-Four: Ethuil'waew. Trojie and Pads train up newbie agent Oscar Henson by subjecting him to Legolas being repeatedly raped.

Mission Twenty-Five: Ladi's Name. Trojie and Pads help Oscar through an SGA mpreg. Although, in retrospect, "help" may not be quite the word.

Mission Twenty-Six: Eternal. A romp, or, more accurately, a killing spree, through Rivendell convinces Trojie it may be time for Pads to take maternity leave.

Mission Twenty-Seven: An Elf's Worst Nightmare. Trojie teams up with Lux to disentangle a Fellowship hellbent on Legolas-lovin'.

Mission Twenty-Eight: Bottled Feelings. An argument about territory is interrupted, briefly, by Potterverse femslash.

Mission Twenty-Nine: The two boys. When the Lace discovers Trojie and Pads have been stealing missions, punishment comes in the form of Narnia badslash.

Mission Thirty: Wedding Night. The punishment continues in the form of het involving Lucy Pevensie and Tumnus.