TIANATDATPPC Part VIII

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Part VIII of the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at the PPC List, comprising entries 515-685.

Originally posted to the PPC LJ Community, here, May 28, 2008.

515. I will not dose an agent with Io Dust and make them claim immortality from Rassilon.

- Nor will I do so myself.

516. I will not rewire a TARDIS.

- Especially not at random.

- Especially if the TARDIS' owner done me wrong.

517. I will not spam an agent with No-Drool Videos.

518. I will not attempt to re-enact the Mustafar duel on an actual volcano.

519. When an agent blows out some gadget, I will not harass them disguised as Makes-Things' ghost.

520. I will not mail anyone a Bludger.

521. I will not attempt to slay the Doctor's daughter and claim that I thought she was a Sue.

522. I will not attempt to attack a massive, immortal centaur-Sue without backup.

523. I will not dress up as a female Jedi and call myself "Jade Blood Kenobi."

524. I will not call Saavedro "Saavy."

- Nor will I call Yeesha "Yeeshcakes."

525. I will not draw the Bahro symbol for rain and then make up a symbol for Bleepka in an attempt to make it rain Bleepka.

526. I will not set up wind turbines on Haven in an attempt to harvest an alternate energy source.

527. I will not spark a debate between Catherine and Ghen about the correct spelling of "wahrk."

528. I will not call the residents of Serenia "hippies."

- Nor will I attempt to introduce them to John Lennon.

529. I will not give a Flower a flamethrower and tell it that it's just a Miracle-Gro sprayer that's been tricked out.

530. I will not attempt to organize a triathlon for the Mearas.

530. I will not let Mrs. Lovett near C. M. O. T. Dibbler's pies.

531. I will not replace Sweeney's friends with a Gilette shaving razor.

532. I will not set a Sue loose in HQ and tell everyone to recreate the famous chase scene from The Fifth Elephant.

533. I will not let Agent Redd near anything vaguely vulpine.

- Even if it is a Sue.

- Especially if it is a Sue.

534. I will not fire an Unreal Tournament Redeemer in the Lounge.

- Nor will I fire one in the Cafeteria.

- Nor anywhere in the corridors.

- Redeemers are not to be fired anywhere within HQ.

- Unless there are a large number of Sues and no agents within the blast radius.

535. I must not steal a Gundam.

536. I must not attempt to recreate "The Ultimate Orgy."

537. Calling Tieria Erde a girl is a very bad idea.

538. I must not introduce the Weasley twins to the Hitachiin twins.

- Or to any other set of mischievous twins.

- The same goes for the Hitachiins.

539. I must not ask Sha Gojyo if the carpet matches the drapes.

- Or Kougaiji.

- Or Abarai Renji.

- Or Grimmjow Jaegerjaques.

- In fact, I may not ask any canon with weird hair color if the carpet matches the drapes.

540. I may not attempt to find out the answer to 539 in any manner.

541. I will not Morris dance in the Cafeteria.

- It scares people.

542. I will not attempt to break into the DMSE&R labs because I hear that they keep live Sues down there to experiment on.

- They don't.

- And even if they did they wouldn't tell me where.

543. I will not encourage any scientist to try to improve the Cafeteria food.

- HQ does not need its own Lucretia Borgea!

544. I will not call Agent Paddlebrains a bitch, even if it is technically true some of the time.

545. I will not let children from the Nursery play tag in Mossflower.

546. I will not play Australian Indoor-Rules Quiddich within five corridors of Building Maintenance. This is for my own safety.

547. "Man of La Mancha" is not an appropriate song to can-can to, and I am not to initiate flashbacks in Agent Titus by doing the can-can to said song along the corridor in front of his RC.

548. Despite the events of the 2008 Macrovirus Epidemic, Mary Sue Invasion, and Massacre at the Tomb of the Unknown PPC Agent, it is unwise to assume that all Daleks are on our side.

549. It is not in fact possible to traumatize someone so much that they become emotionally stable again. I must not attempt to do so.

550. I am not a Chosen Seeker and the 538 Objects of the Holders Series do not belong in HQ.

- "He" (the creator of said Objects) does not count as a Marty Stu, despite the ridiculous level of his power.

551. I will not show Agent Redd extracts from "Vengeance Quest," particularly not the execution scene. His author's version of Mossflower was very different, and it will scar him for life in an unhelpful way.

552. I will not tell newbies that HQ is the Hotel California.

553. I will not tell newbies to concentrate on their destination if they want to get anywhere.

554. I will not put on a fake Black Cat flash patch.

- Or a fake flash patch for any EPC department.

555. Just because my partner did it, doesn't mean I have to.

- Just because I did it, doesn't mean my partner has to.

556. I will not take photos of same-sex agent couples kissing.

- Neither will I take photos of them doing anything else.

- Just because it's real-life slash doesn't mean they won't mind.

- Or try and kill me.

557. I will not pay a visit to the Island of Lotus Eaters whenever I want an extended vacation.

558. I will not bring a Trojan to DoSAT.

- Not only will I scare the technicians with the idea of computer viruses, the angry warrior I've dragged from Troy will start wrecking things with his sword while screaming in Ancient Greek.

- Not to mention that it's just a bad pun to begin with.

559. When dealing with Greek mythology, and provided I am female, I will do my absolute best to not be caught alone with Zeus.

- Especially if he is my LO.

- Even though his character would make it be perfectly in-canon for any hanky-panky to occur.

- The absolute LAST thing HQ needs is a demigod to be born to one of the agents. Ultra-powerful children with already-insane parents and role models would be a Bad Thing.

560. Conversely, if I am male, I will make certain that I am never caught alone with Aphrodite.

- The last thing I need would be for the god of war and an enraged blacksmith chasing after me.

561. While on the subject of Greek mythology, I will not toss a golden apple towards Arwen and Luthien and tell them it belongs to the prettiest.

- Ditto any of the Valier.

- A crowd of Sues—just no.

- Especially if you're going to ask Paris to be the judge.

- Unless you like stampedes, of course.

562. Under no circumstances must Winry Rockbell and Anakin Skywalker be introduced. The resulting explosion of mechanical ingenuity would launch the world into a whole new age of frightening technology.

563. I will not ask Maedhros to clap.

- Particularly if his brothers are nearby.

- Definitely NOT when his father is nearby.

- Neither will I ask the same of Beren.

564. I will not drop Huan the hound off in Narnia.

- He'd only get depressed.

565. I will not ask Agent Sabbat if he's shaved lately.

566. I will not, under any circumstances, attempt to resurrect Makes-Things with alchemy.

- Human transmutation is forbidden for a reason&mdash;it doesn't work, the alchemist doing the transmutation would probably die from the needed sacrifice, and we'd wind up with a Homunculus with Makes-Things' face.

- No matter how much I'd like to be able to transmute without a circle. It just isn't worth it.

- Even if I think that having an Envy!/ Lust!/ Pride!/ Wrath!/ Gluttony!/ Greed!/Sloth!Makes-Things would be pretty cool.

567. I will not tell Agent Brenden Sanderson he looked better with bright pink skin.

- Nor will I compare him to a My Little Pony.

- Or a lobster.

568. I will not attempt to zat Nurse Nathonea Dewstan or Agent Tawaki just to see what happens when a part-machine person gets hit with a large electrical shock.

- Nor any other agent that is Borg, part machine, or part any other technology that may be damaged by electricity.

- Nor will I use any other weapon that produces electricity or other technology-disrupting energy.

- I understand that any attempt to do so will result in my sudden and painful death by a suitably ironic method.

569. I will not scrawl the same phrase wherever another agent goes.

- Especially if they have a TARDIS.

570. I will not try to interface technologies from different canons without the proper adapters.

571. I will not take birdwatcher agents into Hitchcock's The Birds.

572. Just because "KI" is pronounced like "key" does not mean that my communicator can open a lock.

573. I will not try to recruit Anton Chigurh for the PPC. He's possibly the only person too murderous for the job.

574. I will not try and arrange a re-enactment of a Super Smash Bros. Brawl battle in any continuum.

- Especially not in the PPC.

- Especially not with the multiple incarnations of Mario/Zelda/Pikachu etc.

- Even if it would be awesome.

575. I will not refer to Spock as "that brain-eating guy from Heroes."

- Nor will I refer to Sylar as a Vulcan. Both could be tempting fate.

576. I will not respond to anybody asking whether something is good with "Sir, it's too good, at least."

577. I will not introduce Eric Cartman to Sweeney Todd or Mrs. Lovett.

- Nor will I introduce Eric Cartman to Titus Andronicus.

- Or Sephiroth.

- Or Cloud.

- Or pretty much any character with a) depression, b) homicidal tendencies, or c) quirky sexual leanings.

- I will especially not introduce Eric Cartman to Agent Luxury. The PPC does not need to see Luxury's Jennifer Lopez hand.

578. I will not portal Charlie from Lost to Bag End.

- Or Meriadoc Brandybuck to the island.

579. I will not, under any circumstances, call Pumbaa a pig.

- Nor will I refer to Mufasa in Scar's vicinity. That'll attract far too much attention.

580. I will not attempt a production of Arthur Miller's The Crucible in Hogwarts.

581. I will not mention John Freeman in the Department of Floaters, on fear of death.

582. I will not count the ways I hate the Joker in front of him. It's insensitive, and it's tempting fate.

583. I will not drink Daniel Plainview's milkshake.

584. I will not mention the war.

585. I will not take the Weighted Companion Cube out of the Half-Life continuum.

- Especially if I grow attached to it.

586. I will not spontaneously burst into song in PPC HQ.

- Especially not during an HQ crisis.

587. I will not allow any member of the Happy Tree Friends cast into the PPC.

- Never.

- Never ever.

- No exceptions whatsoever.

- We mean it.

- Really, we do.

- No excuses, no exceptions.

588. I will not quote Titanic in the vicinity of any despotic canon character.

589. I will not ask Doc Fitz if he is the Oncoming Storm.

590. I will not purposefully break the chameleon circuit of my TARDIS so that it stays a blue police box.

- This creates way too much confusion.

591. I will not ask Rose if she has blown any houses down lately.

592. I will not attempt to whisk anything with a Dalek's laser.

- Nor will I attempt to unclog a toilet with its arm.

593. I will not allow Alphonse Elric and the Iron Man to meet.

594. I may not clone my Lust Object.

- No, not even if they dropped the genetic material all on their own.

- No, not even for a scientific breakthrough.

- Not even for an unscientific breakthrough, or innuendo-laden variants thereof.

595. Private love slave is not a suitable alternate occupation for my Lust Object. The canon needs them.

- Even when it doesn't, it's still not suitable.

- No, not even if they agree to it.

- Stunned, horrified or incapacitated silence doesn't count either.

- Nor do screams or other noises.

- Just... don't, okay?

596. I will not set up blind dates with any combination of Redneck Trees, Ents and the Whomping Willow.

- Look, do you want to pay the therapy bills for any Hogwarts student or hobbit who sees?

- Not even if you can afford to pay the bills.

- Not even if you can get someone else to pay the bills.

597. As a matter of fact, no setting up any blind dates involving canons.

- Not even if I think they're "made for each other."

- Not even if I know they aren't and just want to watch the fireworks.

598. I will not leave trails of crumbs in the corridors for navigational purposes.

- Or lengths of string.

- Or drops of Sue blood.

- Or paint.

- Or any other substance, psychic residue or... anything. Let's just go with "anything."

599. I will not attempt to mislead others with corridor trails that lead nowhere.

600. I will not attempt to persuade canons from the Whoverse, or any other continuum involving time-travel, to "do the Time Warp."

- Or from any other continuum, for that matter.

- I am not to teach it to canon characters, period.

- Joining them in it is right out.

601. Asking a robot to "do the Robot" was only funny the first five times.

- Attempting to persuade a Yuuzhan Vong to do so is stupid, and I will deserve whatever happens to me.

602. Transporting Yuuzhan Vong into the Transformers or other mecha-based continuum is cruel. I will refrain from doing so.

- Even Nom Anor.

- Even if he irritates me.

- An exception may be made in the exceedingly remote chance of a Yuuzhan Vong Sue or Stu.

- We expect to see a charge list to prove it was one.

603. I may not resurrect Sues in order to kill them more than once.

- We don't need them getting even more powers by returning from death.

- Look, they enrage you, fair enough. But undead Sues are a Bad Thing.

604. There is a fertilizer known as "blood and bone." It is not made from Sues. Sues are not to be rendered into fertilizer for the Flowers.

- The last thing we need is a Sueified Flower.

605. I do not have theme music, and I will not play any to herald my entrances.

- This goes double for the Imperial March.

606. I will not attempt to put maps, signposts or big "walk this way!" arrows anywhere in the corridors of HQ. It's cruel to the newbies.

- Nor will I mislabel the door to a Flower's office.

- Or the firing range

- Or any room used by the Indoor-Rules Quiddich League.

- No, not even if the newbie is a former Sue.

607. Do not make "your mother" jokes in front of Ichigo Kurosaki.

- Or Setsuna F. Seiei.

- Or Lockon Stratos.

- Or any other character who has lost their mother in tragic manner.

- Especially if, like the above, they are likely to seriously injure or kill you.

- PPC HQ takes no responsibility for their actions.

608. Don't tease canons with multiple personality disorder.

- One personality may be nice and kind, but the other/s are often murderous.

- On the same note, don't ask to talk to the other personality/ies.

- Or pretend that you have a murderous alter ego as well.

609. Don't try to pet Grimmjow Jeagerjacques.

- Yes the ears are cute, but he'd rip your limbs off.

610. Don't call canons by their fan nicknames. It's confusing for them.

611. I will not get anyone to make "your mother" jokes in front of Norman Bates.

- Except for Mary Sues.

612. I will not use Lady Cassandra as a trampoline.

613. I will not chase Saavedro with his own hammer.

- Nor will I set PETA on him.

614. I will not experiment with Zygma energy.

615. You will not start a water balloon fight in the mini-Sandworm quarters in OFUA.

616. You will not allow any member of the Bene Gesserit Sisterhood into HQ.

- No, not even if Bene Gesserit make perfect agents.

617. You will not try to merge with Sandtrout in order to become God-Emperor of Humankind.

618. You will not allow Face Dancers into HQ.

- Even if they say they come from OFUA.

619. You will not initiate Kralizec.

- Especially if you don't know what it is.

620. You will not spread Tiberium in HQ.

621. You will not mutate anyone into a Visceroid.

- Except Sues and Stus.

622. I will not give Agent Lux a K-9.

623. I will not attack Time Lords just to see them regenerate.

624. I will not portal anyone to the Cheetah Planet.

625. If my TARDIS has safeguards keeping me out of something, I will not try to get past them.

626. I will not place Mystverse cones at random locations in HQ.

- Or New Caledonia.

- Or a TARDIS.

627. "Because it's magic" is not an acceptable excuse.

628. I am not allowed to tell Hermione Granger that sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

- I am not allowed to have Sam Carter tell her this.

- Or Rodney McKay.

- Hermione Granger is not allowed anywhere near highly intelligent Muggle scientists with low opinions of "magic."

629. I am not allowed to put C-4 in Weasley's Wild-fire Whiz-Bangs.

- Or any other kind of magical fireworks.

- Or non-magical fireworks.

630. Wraith queens and the Borg queen are never to be introduced.

- Seriously, the combined egos would likely destroy at least one star system.

631. Rodney McKay and John Sheppard are not allowed access to a Sun Crusher.

- I don't care if you think it would be really cool.

- That pair are dangerous enough when they're not actively seeking to destroy whole star systems.

632. I will not get Sam Carter and Rodney McKay blind drunk and put them in bed with each other, naked.

- The same goes for Sam Carter and Jack O'Neill.

- And Daniel Jackson.

- Do not put Sam Carter in bed, naked, with any male SG-1/SGA canons.

- Or female ones.

- Or canons from other continua.

- Especially not her father.

633. River Tam is not allowed to join the Bene Gesserit. Even if she'd be really good at it.

634. Firefly ' s Companions are NOT Bene Gesserit, and Saffron/ Bridget/ Yolande is NOT to be taken to the Duneverse, because the chaos she could cause there would be phenomenal.

- And, just to clarify, that would be a BAD THING.

635. No matter how funny it would be to hear them bitch about PLT, Daniel "Oz" Osbourne of BtVS, Remus Lupin of Harry Potter and Sgt. Delphine Angua von Uberwald of Discworld are NOT allowed to be in the same room.

636. Yes, Sam Vimes is an excellent detective. However, just because I have lost my favorite weapon and suspect it has been stolen does not mean I can import him to HQ and make him investigate. For a start, his progress would be impeded by the lines of agents queuing up "just to look, honest, I wouldn't glomp Vimes, I'm a rational agent!"

637. Mini-Hellhounds from the Good Omens Summer School do NOT play Fetch, at least not in the way we understand it. Do not taunt the infernal, red-eyed hounds of Hell.

638. I am not allowed to drag canon characters into All-HQ Australian Indoor-Rules Quiddich games.

- Even if they really, really like it.

639. I am not allowed to force my least favorite canon character to read badfic without erasing their memory afterwards.

- Especially if it contains them in it.

- Even if they killed my favorite character.

640. Bringing a wand back from the Harry Potter canon and giving it to my homicidal, ex-Sue/Stu partner is a bad idea.

641. I am not allowed to tell newbies that Yuko's shop from xxxHolic will get rid of all the Sues in their fandom.

- Because it's (probably) not true.

- And even if it was, the price would probably be too high, anyway.

642. Trying to cross the juggers' Game with All-HQ Australian Indoor-Rules Quiddich is a Bad Idea. I will not suggest it.

- Ditto regular Quidditch.

- Introducing it to any Hutt as a form of entertainment is likewise a Bad Idea. (See a film called Blood of Heroes for explanation.)

643. I will not try to bribe Nobby Nobbs to take imp-photos of any of my Lust Objects.

644. I will not introduce any group of canonical herbivores or vegetarians to "Carrot Juice Constitutes Murder" by the Arrogant Worms.

- No, not even if they annoy me.

645. I will not shove Dr. House and Dr. Wilson into a room with Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson, not even if they probably won't explode on impact.

646. Stealing anything from V's treasure/rescued artifact trove is extremely rude&mdash;I will not do so, under pain of pain. Besides, Evey would hurt me.

647. I will not upset Kaywinnet Lee Frye unless forced to by the Duty.

648. Slagar the Cruel does not appreciate having copies of "Fox in Socks" handed around his slavers or the denizens of Malkariss's realm.

649. If I give caffeine or any other stimulant to Stitch, the Disney agents will be forced to kill me.

650. I will always ask what the little red button does.

651. I will refrain from squeeing, should a flipped coin come up heads more than twenty times in a row&mdash;it means that HQ is going through a probability flux, not that I'll be meeting a group of players in the woods on their way to Elsinore.

652. I will not attempt to lock Agents Stormsong and Drake in a room together with a lot of spiked alcohol in an attempt to get a film I can sell on FurBid.

- Or a film I intend to keep myself.

- Because it won't work.

- Nor may I do the above but replace either of them with Agent Redd.

653. I will not portal into the bedrooms of spammers/trolls/incompetent moderators and do unspeakable things to them.

- Or push them through portals leading to canonical characters, items, or events which will do the unspeakable things for me.

654. If I do any of the things on this list, I must accept that the Laws of Comedy mean they will inevitably backfire in a humorous and possibly explosive manner.

655. I will not train minis of any kind to chase Agent Kana.

- She really hates them.

- It's not funny.

- All right, it's a little bit funny.

- Just don't do it. Seriously.

656. Don't give Agent Hegemony poisonous flowers just to see if she'll eat them.

- She's a plant expert, she knows better than that.

657. All-HQ Australian Indoor-Rules Quiddich is not an excuse for the following:

- Settling long-term grudges.

- Glomping the agent of your affections.

- Getting your annoying partner beaten up so you can have a new one.

- Beating up former Sues/Stus.

- Showing off.

- Getting laid or getting your partner laid.

- A big drinking party afterwards.

658. Do not try to get the Flowers to form an All-HQ Australian Indoor-Rules Quiddich team just because you want to beat them up.

- They can't hold the bats anyway.

- And they would get revenge by sending you into Legendary Badfic.

650. I will not purposely look for a specific sort of badfic and report it, just to watch certain people go over the edge.

- It's just not nice and it's thoroughly mean.

- And there's always such a thing as roundabout play.

651. Not allowed to sing "Daisy Bell" near the Marquis.

- Especially if I can't carry a tune.

- Or I forgot most of the words and I decide to make up my own lyrics.

- And programming my console to sing it is right out.

652. Not allowed to spike the Flowers' fertilizer with dye to see if they'll change colors.

- Especially the ones with lighter petals.

- There's really no need to get the Marquis in a fouler mood than it ordinarily gets into.

653. Won't send in my letter of resignation attached to a paper bag of manure.

- Manure just doesn't do it as an insult, with Flowers.

654. Not allowed to hide a music player in the General Store that plays shopping music from video games.

655. If anyone finds said music player and connects it to me, it's too late to deny that I had anything to do with it.

656. Not allowed to make an insanely overpowered fireball just to see Irregular Webcomic ' s Death of Insanely Overpowered Fireballs will come.

- Besides, it is very unlikely I'll find anyone willing to test this.

- And even if I do, it still counts as homicide if we succeed.

657. Not allowed to point out we hadn't gone completely round the bend yet and then list everyone who had gone completely nuts if I'm right next to the ex-partner of one of these snapees.

- Especially if it was fairly recently.

658. Not allowed to decide to fix my console by myself.

- Especially if I have the technical aptitude of a piece of lint.

- Or I end up carting my console to DoSAT in pieces and expect it to get fixed.

659. Not allowed to leave newbies on the Board alone with JulyFlame the Boarder for extended periods of time.

- Or at all, really.

- Actually, it's just not a good idea to leave anyone alone with her.

660. May not call any of the Flowers "Mother."

661. May not take any of the Flowers home to Mother.

662. Even if I work in a canon that has superheroes, that does not mean I can implement spandex into my uniform.

- Especially form-fitting spandex.

663. Not allowed to work a cape into my uniform either.

- It just looks silly.

664. Not allowed to feed Sues to the alligators.

- At least not without Cray's permission.

665. Not allowed to find out what happens if I douse a mini-Balrog in gasoline.

- Or kerosene.

- Or oil.

- Or anything else that serves as fuel.

666. Not allowed to "discreetly" ask Stormsong and/or Skyfire about their RC number and then attempt to plant paranoia about said number in their minds.

667. Not allowed to take flower-arranging classes and then send a nice vase of their mundane counterparts to the Board of Flowers.

- It pretty much reduces the chance of me ever getting a raise from nearly zilch to zilch.

668. Not allowed to yell "Fire!" in the Cafeteria if there is no fire.

- It will just make someone decide to set fire to something so that there is indeed a fire.

669. Not allowed to be said person.

670. Not allowed to start a worker's union.

671. Not allowed to turn the A/C high and see if I can make the Flowers go into winter dormancy.

672. "Another One Bites the Dust" is not appropriate music for an agent's funeral.

- Even if it's true.

- Perfectly acceptable to play/sing while a Sue is dying, though.

673. Fireworks are not inside toys.

674. Not allowed to modify a DVD player and flashlight into a blinding laser and be surprised when it's taken away after I blind someone.

675. Also not allowed to ask a DoSAT technician to make me a blinding laser.

676. Not allowed to volunteer Luxury to give The Talk to the kids in Daycare.

- That's their parents' job.

- Or lacking that, Health/Sex Ed class.

677. Not allowed to set anyone up on a blind date with Luxury.

- Especially if I don't tell them it's a blind date first.

- And I tell Luxury it is.

- This counts for Flowers too.

678. Margaritaville does not count as a place that DOGA needs to burn.

679. Not allowed to use rocket-powered skates in the corridors.

- Especially if they don't work well.

680. Thursdays are not "No Pants Day" and there is no need for me to inform HQ of this.

- In any sense of the word "pants."

681. Australian Indoor-Rules Quiddich does not need to be played with Bludgers.

682. Not allowed to tell the rookies that the assorted minis in HQ will eat them with ketchup and bacon if they screw up.

- Well, they don't usually eat the rookies.

683. The Department of Bad Slash rarely gets new agents as it is, and there is no reason for me to tell wannabe Bad Slashers that they have to spend an hour alone with Luxury and demonstrate their applicable knowledge of the Kama Sutra before they can join said department.

684. Nor may I tell them they have to be able to tell something new about sex to Trojie before they can join.

- That's just impossible.

685. Agent Murtagh is not hiding anything interesting under his hat and there is no reason for me to try and see if there is.

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