Talk:Dubious Lube

NWS: In many continua warriors could, theoretically, be expected to carry around oil, as non-stainless steel needs to be oiled regularly to prevent rust. It wouldn't work as well as the fanwriters expect, but it would probably work. Blood, from what I've read, just tears things up worse. GreyLady, this reminds me of the tail end of the Oddlots essay on How Not to Write M-E Romance: "Lavender is an antiseptic..." On the other hand, there are apparently published yaoi comiccers who are under the impression that the anus is self-lubricating. In humans, even.Glass 00:04, 16 May 2008 (CDT)

Yeah, but your logical reason for carrying around oil supposes that the Elves are also carrying armour, which they seldom do in badslash. Sigh. In fact, the only reference to armour I recall in slash is in a BagEnders Non-Plot-Defining Random Slashy Interlude, where Aragorn fantasises about removing Boromir's chainmail with his teeth, before concluding that it would be easier to remove it 'the normal way'. Sadly, the logic of you and I is not the logic of badslashers. - Trojie

Maybe Elves wouldn't be wearing armour, but they'd probably be carrying weapons, which would need oiling as well. (Cassie Cameron-Young)

I refuse to believe that Elves would be so thoughtless as to waste the oil they need to keep their weapons functioning in order to have it off with some grubby Ranger :) - Trojie
 * I dunno, I'd say that with a grubby Ranger the oil would be needed for sure. He's probably too grubby to, erm, go smoothly without it. July who is laughing her head off 20:31, 16 May 2008 (CDT)
 * Well, yes, but I think my point was more along the lines of 'I refuse to believe that Elves would be so thoughtless as to have it off with some grubby Ranger'. Because who wants to be 'married' to a grubby Ranger? - Trojie. (PS; that was *rhetorical*, you can all put your hands down NOW before you embarrass yourselves -_-)
 * Heh. Yeah, I was thinking knives.  I shan't comment on the rest. Glass

And I've seen one instance where molasses was used as lube. It was an Elured/Elurin fic.
 * Uh...no.Glass

I did put in "egg white" here, but was informed by several Fanficrants users that in fact this can work. It still doesn't sound particularly appealing, but there you go. Laburnum I once saw a yaoi fic somewhere that involved melted cheese as lube. And as cheese cools and solidifies over time and as things become...sticky...sex becomes something only /b/ could stand without wincing in sympathy.Fichunter
 * Well, given it's a protein (albumen) that the body makes already and thus is not likely to be harmful, and it *is* slippery, I'd agree with them, but ... agreed. Waiting for your lover to quickly seperate an egg before you have it off is probably the least likely thing ever to qualify as foreplay. Trojie
 * Yeah. I just had horrible visions of vigorous action causing it to turn into meringue mix. And someone commented saying that eggs cook at a very low temperature, so the inside of the human body plus friction may possibly ... ew. Laburnum
 * A very good point. In view of this, I *would* add it to the list. It's dubious. Yes, technically, supposedly, it can work. The dubious part comes from the fact that, really, can anyone here actually see anyone ever being THAT DESPERATE? Or having eggs handy in the bedroom? I mean, if it comes to it, to get eggs, they'd have to run down to the kitchen, and then why not just grab the cooking oil? I think the only setting that eggs being the Most Handy Source of Lubricant is likely in is if Our Heroes are having it off in a henhouse. O.o - Trojie
 * In the one I saw, it was out in the woods, and they climbed a tree to get to a bird's nest to get the eggs. By that point I think I'd have just given it up as far too much effort and waited till I got home. Laburnum
 * Very much agreed. A brief intermission in the foreplay while Our Hero climbs a tree to pilfer a blackbird's egg would be a bit much for the suspended disbelief (or the desire to be gettin' it on) to take. - Trojie
 * If they're really that desperate, why not just do, y'know, something that doesn't require lube? It's not like it's Tab A in Slot B or nothing ... I did come up with a disturbing idea once; canon which includes plants which sound as if they should be real but aren't, which do such interestingly unlikely things as producing a milk substitute good enough to make cheese. If writing in this canon, could one add in a plant which produces a workable grease simply by squeezing, with no processing required, so our heroes could just grab a handful of leaves if they found themselves in need? My theory is the fans would roll their eyes and the creator would be horrified if he found out, but technically it'd be okay to do it. Laburnum
 * GENIUS. It *would* work in Mossflower, it so would. They have DEM plants all over the glaurunging place. Of course, we can never let the badslashers *know* this, and of course it would have to be a common plant because 'hang on dearest heart, before we can consummate our passionate and all-consuming love, I must search out the fabled Greasewort! And we hath not much time, for lo! The evil ferrets of the Rottentooth Horde draw near! And we must maintain an acceptable level of sexual tension for this to be reviewed by our author's AFF.net readers!' would be wrong... yes. It would be wrong, and I have just written it ... Gah. This is why I don't stay up til midnight doing PPC-things - Trojie
 * Eurgh. Yes. It's still better than nothing ... Y'know, I'm tempted to do that fic and have the plant in question bear an unfortunate resemblance to poison ivy, thus obliging at least one of the poor critters to undergo a very awkward explanation in the infirmary, because I have a sick sense of humour. And we've probably just guaranteed that some day someone's going to write about some characters using hotroot soup as lubricant. (The only thing which could have made "Martin's First Time" any more WTF-ish short of the unicorn actually showing up?) Laburnum
 * Oh...powers... Hotroot soup?!  SPICY stuff there?  I cringe.Glass
 * Very probably. If you do write it, I'll beta if you want. I could use a chuckle at the Infirmary Scene :) Trojie
 * I'd try, but I'm not sure I want to break myself into pr0n writing with fanfic for a kids' book series, particularly since I've seen in great detail precisely how easy it is to get it hideously wrong. Slashing up kids' books doesn't bother me, but porn for them does, probably because splooge is not cute. Doesn't stop my endless supply of penis jokes about them, though, but they just make it so very easy sometimes ... Maybe when I've had some practice with original fiction or something. Though I did say at one point I could do porn in the fandom just to prove it doesn't have to be appallingly bad, and to guard against certain ficcers finding me and breaking Ebert's Law ("when you tell someone to try their hand at something before criticising your efforts, you have violated Ebert's Law and lost the argument", according to Pottersues). And I suppose the Lube Tree is better than me using the fandom to make gags about that Darwin Award entry involving the gerbil. Laburnum
 * Cheese is a new one on me. No doubt I'll see it used sooner or later in a fic. - Trojie