Suicide

Agent Suicide, originally a character from the novel Gates of Fire, was a casualty of Thermopylae who was resurrected and recruited by the PPC. He began in the Department of Bad Slash, but after a few… incidents… he was transferred to Mary Sues. He was paired with Agent Diocletian until she feigned insanity, whereupon he was paired with Ithalond. He worked with Rowan while Ithalond was recovering from a Dibbler pie. His last known mission was working with Dio on Subjugation.

Appearance
Lacking a physical description in his home universe, Suicide's appearance defaulted to Bishonen Standard; he has been described as unusually tall, with darkly tanned skin, long dark-gray hair, and a plethora of unusual scars. This has proved troublesome in past--as seen during Agent Rowan's first mission, when she had to repeatedly inject herself with Anti-Lustin in order to prevent herself from doing something regrettable. When not on missions, he tends to smoke constantly (he prefers Sobranies) and does not bathe regularly, two factors which tend to counteract the unfortunate effects of his appearance.

Personality
Unlike his partner, Diocletian, Suicide can be considered rather laid-back. He has been seen kicking back with a copy of The Campaigns of Hannibal, drinking like a fish whenever it suits him, charging headlong into highly dangerous situations simply for the fun of it, stealing cinnamon toast from a bewildered Hogwarts student, and possibly admitting to subscribing to numerous top-shelf porno mags. He has a recorded fondness for novelty kangaroo jerky.

Given the time period he hails from, there were some initial misunderstandings between him and the PPC people. One of his first solo missions in the Dept. of Bad Slash almost went awry because he didn't understand what was bad about "the seed of the superior warrior Sephiroth being passed to the inferior Cloud." Later missions screwed up simply because being brought back from the dead hadn't dulled his axe-crazy suicidal impulses.

Agent History
Suicide's early history is unknown: being an uncanonical copy of a canon character, even he only knows what the original text said about him, and it unfortunately isn't much. He's a Scythian (making him one of the few people at Thermopylae who would have conceivably worn trousers), and his mother was a traveling priestess of the goddess Na'an. As a young man, he killed either his father or father-in-law in a dispute over a woman, a sin which should be punishable by death. Unfortunately, he couldn't commit suicide, since it would either be hugely unworthy or too good for him--depending on which version of the story he's telling.

He wandered for months, trying to find someone who would kill him. Nobody would do it; they were all certain that the crazy kid had some kind of curse on him, and nobody wanted to risk it. His wandering eventually took him all the way to Lakedaemon, the Spartan nation, where he met a Spartan nobleman by the name of Iatrokles. Iatrokles advised the youth to join the army, assuring him that it was a sure-fire way to get killed.

Unfortunately, joining the army to let yourself be killed by some enemy would be just like killing yourself outright--he had to fight back. He did, and he kept winning. The crazed man soon earned himself the nickname of Suicide for his habit of throwing himself into every possible fight--armorless, practically frothing at the mouth in hope of being killed. Sheer insanity kept him alive long enough to develop some skill, and by that point, his death wish was a lost cause. Suicide still wanted to die, but he became resigned to the possibility of continuing to live. In the meantime, he had become a battle-hardened soldier with a cast-iron reputation; if Sparta was GI Joe, then Suicide was their Snake-Eyes.

(Suicide's character is illustrated perfectly by his two most noticeable lines in Gates of Fire. One, right at the end, is a monologue on the subject of bloody-minded courage that inspires the Spartan men; the other comes when he hauls two of the main characters out of the lake and says "You two turdnuggets must've been floating under a lucky star.")

He did eventually get his wish: the battle of Thermopylae saw him die serving as a human shield. It wasn't the end, though. A hugely convoluted series of events led to him being noncanonically resurrected to serve as a PPC agent.

Writer
Agent Suicide's writer has retired from the PPC, but he was awarded into the custody of Neshomeh and may be borrowed with Neshomeh's permission. Some time after leaving the PPC, his writer deleted all of his missions from her Livejournal, only leaving his resurrection and recruitment. Fortunately, the missions are also available on this website. Geocities has now closed.

Mission Reports
Home Page
 * In the Beginning . . . (Gates of Fire), Rescue by Diocletian and Doom

Partnered With Diocletian

 * Ranariel, Elf Ranger of the North (Lord of the Rings)
 * Of Sar-Plasm, Sue Pies, and Other Affairs of the Organs (Narnia)
 * Subjugation (Harry Potter), Incomplete, NSFW

Partnered with Ithalond

 * 'Twas Many and Many a Year Ago, in a Nondescript Random Town by the Sea (Pirates of the Caribbean)
 * In Which Logic Is Seen as Optional, at Best (Lord of the Rings)
 * Just One Letter (Harry Potter)

Partnered with Rowan

 * Ow, Ow, and Ow Again (Harry Potter)