Dubious Lube

It is the curse of the Bad Slasher to be confronted on a regular basis by the use of lubricants that defy common sense, logic and sanity. While some dubious lubes are merely ineffective, others, such as aloe vera, may necessitate emergency first aid once the malign influence of the Author-Wraith has been exorcised.

All instances of dubious lube on this page have either been sighted by PPC agents or reported on Livejournal's Fanficrants and Weepingcock communities and/or the GodAwful FanFiction Board. You are hereby warned that squickiness lies below.

Lubricants can be dubious for several different reasons. The most important reason for a lubricant to be deemed dubious is that it would not, in fact, function as a lubricant. Most (but not all) substances deemed dubious fall into this category. Other categories of what those who use the charge frequently abbreviate to 'dubelube' are:


 * Substances that, while effective lubricants, are too time-consuming or hard to find to make suitable heat-of-the-moment lubrication choices;


 * Substances that it is extremely dubious that the canon character in question would be carrying around;


 * Substances that would cause unpleasant reactions/sensations when in contact with mucous membranes;


 * Substances that are gritty;


 * Substances that are sticky and/or likely to solidify mid-coitus;


 * Substances that are not even liquid.

Examples of all of the following can be found below (comments have been appended to acquaint the inexperienced with *why* these substances would not do the job):


 * Saliva; probably the most common and least likely to actually work although still better than the 'ah well, it'll be fine!' approach to teh gaysex;
 * Blood; amongst the more disturbing, particularly when combined with the above approach, as in 'ah well, it'll be fine, there'll be blood in a few minutes';
 * 'They don't need lube, they're Elves!' is just odd;
 * Tequila is amongst possibly the most harmful. And least likely to work, given mucous membranes absorbing alcohol ... look, it just doesn't work, and may end in chemical burns and alcohol poisoning, okay?;
 * Not a lube as such, but someone on Fanficrants claimed to have seen a fic involving a hot wax enema. Anyone who cannot see why this is a bad idea deserves to be made to test it;
 * Many Elves apparently just randomly carry around in their 'belt purses' a bottle of 'light, scented oil' for apparently no reason, but which comes in very handy when they randomly have it off. Because as we know, Elves just can't keep it in their pants. In this case the dubiousness comes from the magical convenience of finding the lube, rather than the substance itself;
 * coffee (er, gritty? Hot? Acidic? Sound like something you want up your butt?);
 * chocolate products that were designed to be eaten rather than placed in other orifices (yes, they'd probably melt while up there. But even so, chocolate can be gritty, and chocolate doesn't melt that fast at body temperature, and the lumps would surely be uncomfortable);
 * melted chocolate (hot, gritty, sticky... what's worse is many fics that use chocolate in this way then have one or both protagonists CONSUME it afterwards.);
 * shampoo (would you put it in your mouth? No! Would you put it up your nose? No! Then don't stick it up your arse! A mucous membrane is a mucous membrane!);
 * sunblock (as above);
 * seawater (just plain wouldn't work, plus adding an abrasive (sand) to the mix is no kind of fun the PPC want to be involved in);
 * peanut butter (sticky, probably too stiff to work, and let us not consider the 'crunchy' variety...);
 * vegetable soup (er, lumpy?);
 * molten metal (HOT! PAINFUL! Vapourising the body parts in question is not a solution!);
 * bamboo shoots (not sap, actual shoots, which should by rights be solid);
 * molten wax (HOT!);
 * washing up liquid (see 'shampoo', above);
 * honey (ew, sticky);
 * egg white (yes, technically it will work, but who wants to wait around while their lover separates an egg?);
 * molten cheese (this resolidifies very quickly, think about when you leave a pizza sitting too long);
 * mango pulp (sticky and acidic, ow);
 * fresh urine (yes, you read that one right);
 * hydrochloric acid (Argh!);
 * glue (terrifyingly enough this has now been mentioned on fanficrants twice, we can only hope they were both referring to the same fic);
 * latex-based wall paint (gooey and sticky when wet, we don't even want to think about what happens when it dries, and potentially toxic);
 * half-eaten cherry-flavoured lollipop (disgusting AND ironic!);
 * alcohol gel (used by two characters who probably would know better);
 * ketchup (do people not know the danger of putting acids and sugars onto unkeratinised epithelial cells?!);
 * barbecue sauce (now really...chili products? There?!);
 * sand (not even going there);
 * bat guano (apart from where it's come from, bat guano is caustic to the point that naturalists wear biohazard suits merely to enter a bat-populated cave, and many many many biting and stinging minibeasts of various types live in it).

Many of these have not been verified, but nobody dares to go looking to find out if they're true.