TIANATDATPPC Part II

← Part I Part II Part III →

Part II of the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at the PPC List, comprising entries 145-261.

Originally posted to the PPC LJ Community, here, December 8, 2006.

145. I will not goad MacBeth into fighting Boba Fett.

- Or Shinzon.

- Or Pinocchio.

- Or anyone else not of woman born.

146. I will not let Krazy Kat or Ignatz Mouse anywhere near L'Université des Écrivains Misérables

- Or any RC with mini-Bricks.

147. I will not ask Gríma Wormtongue what Sirrus and Achenar did to Narayan.

- Or how his flower cultivation on Voyager is coming along.

- Or how things are in the madhouse.

148. I will not kill Wesley Crusher.

- Or Natty Bumppo.

- Or Sir Galahad.

- Even though they're all Stus.

149. I will not set Elladan and Elrohir up with the Delaney sisters.

150. If I have magical abilities, I will not put Muggle-repelling charms on the Cafeteria.

- Or the Lounge.

- Or Rook Takes Pawnshop.

- Or Upstairs.

- In fact, Muggle-repelling charms are forbidden at HQ altogether.

151. I will not unleash tribbles Upstairs.

152. I will not take bets on what would happen if the Borg met the Killiks.

153. Or if they met the Daleks.

154. I will not attempt to arrange either of these meetings. That is a Very Bad Idea.

155. I will not try to pass off raspberry Kool-Aid as wine, ceremonial or otherwise, or any sort of blood. And if I do I will not wander the halls with a big bottle of it, taking large swigs and declaring "Tasty!"

156. The consoles cannot do Improbability, no matter how many times I put the numbers in.

157. I cannot just substitute 42 for any data I forget.

158. I will not try to knit things into sleeping Agents' hair. Same goes for any part of any of the Flowers.

159. It is not a good idea to follow Bad Slashers around singing "Smut." Ditto Finance personnel and "New Math." - Ditto anyone and "The Masochism Tango."

160. The disguise generators are not toys.

161. I will not leave Darth Sidious and Care-Bears in a locked room and film what happens.

162. I will not leave Davros and Teletubbies in a locked room and film what happens.

163. In fact, no Care-Bears or Teletubbies.

164. While we're on the subject, I will not attempt to make characters re-enact "The Ultimate Showdown."

165. Not everybody loves Magical Trevor.

166. I will not teach large groups of LotR elves to sing Dire Straits songs, even if Arwen is so far away from them. Elves also do not get money for nothing, and they have so many screaming fangirls that giving them chicks for free would be superfluous.

167. Legolas and Will Turner must never meet. There are no exceptions to this rule.

168. No, not even at Christmas.

169. I will not get blind drunk in a bar somewhere and put the bill on the PPC, unless I really, really want to.

170. I will not drag Agents Jay and Acacia back into HQ. They've had far too much of that and cannot be held responsible for their actions.

- The same goes for Agents Dafydd and Constance.

- And all other agents who've left.

171. I will not mention the name "Jaycacia Thornbyrd." It's bad luck.

172. Despite the Temple-for-rent, I will not attempt to set myself up as deity over HQ. The last three people to have done so burst into flames.

173. While on the subject, I will not set fire to anyone who sets his- or herself up as deity over HQ.

174. I will not run through the corridors screaming. The Flowers tend to overreact.

175. I will not reprogram my console to say "Hello, Dave."

- Or "I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that."

- Or anything else said by HAL.

176. Some agents are ex-Mary-Sues. I will not persecute them for this; they can't help it.

177. I will not use the disguise generator inside HQ.

- Especially not to disguise myself as a Sue. It only causes trouble.

178. I will not let loose Ku-ri-bohs into HQ.

- Ever.

- On that note, I will not hug them&mdash;no matter how irresistibly cute they are. I will blow up.

- On another note, I will not use them as projectiles against Sues as that's just plan animal cruelty. (Unless the Sue hugs it herself; then it's her own damn fault.)

179. The Clover is very much abused. I must not lust after/try to harass/plead with/etc. it.

- Unless I happen to be Agent Shinra.

180. I will not put Agent Shinra and the Clover in the same room just to see what happens.

- This also goes for any other Flower and said aforementioned agent. Just in case.

181. I will not make any baby cry.

- Especially if said baby came from the PPC Nursery.

- Also, if I do make a baby from the Nursery cry, I will run as fast as almighty Hell&mdash;I will not stop to check to see if Agent Shinra is chasing me or not.

182. Under any circumstances, I will not remark about how Agent Ueru is dragging his feet in front of Agent Shinra.

- Especially if I value my life.

- On that note, it'd be best not to mention their several failed weddings as well.

- Especially if I value my afterlife.

183. PPC weddings are far and few. I will NOT crash them.

- Even if it's fun to do so.

- And I will NOT invite the Orcish Inquisition.

184. Under no circumstances that might come into play anywhere in the multiverse am I to film a Truth or Dare game, edit the heads of those agents I despise onto the bodies, add a few Plants and possibly some monsters in, and then email the results to everybody in HQ.

- If I do do such a thing, I am to understand that a painful and humiliating death is only what I deserve.

185. I am not Thranduil's wife, and neither is my partner.

- I am not Thranduil's husband, either.

- I will not in any way imply that I am related to the royal family of Mirkwood.

186. Mini-Boarders have sharp hooves and long, silky hair, and are not to be confused with mini-Balrogs, who are essentially made out of flames.

- I will not put the two in a room together and refuse to let them out.

- No, not even if I really, really hate anything with hooves.

- And mini-Balrogs are not to be put in fish tanks, mini-Deepcoiler tanks, or anything containing water.

187. Even if I can hack into other agents' consoles and send them awful missions, I am not permitted to do this.

188. I will never, ever ask the cafeteria people what the food is made out of.

- Especially when it looks like something I recognize.

189. I will not use my console's print function to make banners out of memorable moments from "Celebrian."

- Or any other badfic, for that matter.

190. I will not try to punch a hole in an exterior wall.

191. For that matter, I will not try to punch a hole in any walls.

- Or cut a hole with a lightsaber.

192. I will not glomp hS when he comes to visit.

- Or Al's Waiter.

- Or any other ridiculously hot elf.

193. I will never, never, make that high pitched beeping sound when one of the larger non-human agents is backing up.

- Ever.

194. I will not leave copies of Play-Ent (from OFUM) lying around where a Flower will find them.

195. I will not portal Legolas to Hogwarts.

196. I will not do something horrible to another agent and then neuralyze them.

197. I will not hock the Flowers at Rook Takes Pawnshop.

198. If my Universal Translator is broken, I will not shout profanity in tlhingan Hol at Makes-Things until he fixes it.

199. I will not organize mass thefts of the Multiverse Monitor.

200. I will not send newbies out into the hall just before the Tuesday Afternoon Gravity Shift.

201. I will not burst into the Lounge and yell "Where's Waldo?"

202. I will not send the Minotaur to the Rishi Maze.

203. Atrus is not Makes-Things.

204. I will not give Sirius Black to Œdipus as a seeing-eye dog.

- Nor Abernathy.

- Nor a Talking Dog from Narnia.

205. I will NEVER put all the silver-haired villains of all the Square-Enix universes in the same room just to see what happens.

- Vice versa with all the blade-wielding, spiky-haired heroes.

206. I will restrain myself whenever I see a "DO NOT HUG, WILL TURN INTO [insert Chinese Zodiac animal here]" sign on the backs of anyone from the Fruits Basket universe.

- Especially if they're of the opposite sex.

207. I will never, ever use the Redneck Trees as a bad slash OC's execution method again.

- Even though it WAS pretty funny.

- In fact, I will never, ever even mention the Redneck Trees incident again.

- Especially not in front of Agent Stormsong or Agent Skyfire.

- Even more especially not in front of the Flowers.

208. I am not to deliberately set off the flashbacks of traumatized agents.

- Even if it is funny to watch them twitch.

209. If I get into a debate over the effectiveness of a torture/execution method, I am not to prove my point by testing it on my opponent.

210. I am not to visit characters in the Psych ward or Disturbing Acts of Violence ward and taunt them by reminding them of the fics they've just been taken from.

211. I am not to visit characters at Fanfiction Universities and show them Disturbing Acts of Violence missions about themselves.

- Even if they deserve the mental trauma.

212. I will not use the word "angle" in Sephiroth's hearing. Badfic epithet flashbacks are not pretty.

213. Nor will I ask Sephiroth where the other nine of him are. He might tell me.

214. In fact, I will never speak in Sephiroth's hearing.

215. Although my knowledge of animal anatomy serves me well in my chosen fandom, I will not try to press this knowledge onto my fellow agents, especially if they do not work in such a fandom.

216. I will not train my minis to attack people until they hand me Bleeprin.

- Not even if I have run out of Bleeprin.

217. Mixing Stuff and Bleeprin is definitely out, although mixing chocolate and Bleeprin might be wise, up to a point.

218. If I get a railgun of DoSAT, I will not keep in loaded and point it at fellow agents or Sunflowers, not even to get a raise, emphasize that I don't want to go on a mission, or anything.

- This goes double for flamethrowers or any weapon that can use incendiary ammunition.

219. I will not visit an OFU to take out my frustration at the author of the fanfic that broke my partner's mind without being asked.

- Kidnapping an OFU student and taking them along into their own fics is also verbotten.

220. I will refrain from screaming obscenities at canon characters.

221. Even if they are about to shoot/execute/torture my LO.

222. I will also refrain from trying to do CPR on canon characters.

223. ESPECIALLY if they are one of my LOs.

224. In fact, I will not interfere with the canon in any way, even to save my LO (this point has probably been made before, but I think it's one of the most important).

225. Just because Xena did it, doesn't mean I can.

226. Forget 15 seconds, if the very thought of an action makes me giggle, I am to assume that I am forbidden to do it.

227. I may not tell the interns that the Cafeteria serves Soylent Green.

228. Never let my homicidal maniac ex-mercenary ex-Sue partner handle Gunblades. Ever.

- Or Keyblades.

- Or Batleths.

- Or Zat Guns.

229. I may not steal Sue hair for voudoun rituals. The Lwa hate Sues.

230. I may not use my button trenchcoat as scale mail.

- Even if they make for a great distraction.

231. "Friendly Fire" does not mean introducing oneself and shaking hands before blowing them to Kingdom Come.

232. I may not madly stab at my food and insist it's "troublesome."

233. Sue skulls make great paperweights. They suck as drinking vessels.

234. My uniform is all black. I will therefore not wear long purple dresses.

235. Canon characters are not to be pulled into Truth or Dare games.

- Come to that, I am not allowed to dare anyone to do anything involving a canon character.

- No, not even if it would be fun.

- I am especially not to pull a character out of FicPsych for a Truth or Dare game.

- No, not even if I neuralyze them afterwards.

236. I am not to yell "The Daleks are coming!" in a crowded room.

- Or "The DIS are coming!"

- Or any version of the above, substituting "Urgals," "Mary Sues," or indeed anything.

237. OFU students are not my personal toys and I may not treat them as such.

- Unless the Coordinator gives me permission to do so.

238. I may not strip in the Cafeteria during lunch.

- Not even if my partner asks me to.

- Especially not outside of a Truth or Dare game.

239. I will not buy bondage gear for the SO.

- Or the Marquis de Sod.

- Or any other Flower.

- Or any Plant.

- I may under no circumstances knock out a Flower, put said Flower into bondage gear, and then dump it in front of another Flower in a similar predicament.

- This goes for fellow agents as well.

240. I may not recruit Borg as Sue hunters. Though they'd be great at the hunt, their method of assimilating alien knowledge is bound to lead to trouble.

241. If my LO is drugged and woozy, I will not pretend to be his/her significant other.

242. I will not spray weed killer on the Flowers.

243. I will not send Tom Riddle to Mordor.

- Or Jadis.

- Or Meeks.

- Or Achren.

244. I will not ask an Elf why they are showing emotion or why their blood isn't green.

245. I will not spray a Killik nest with DDT to "see what happens."

246. I will not sing "The Hedgehog Song" in Narnia.

- Or in Mossflower Country.

- Or in any other 'verse with sentient or anthropomorphic animals.

247. I will not sing "Yoda" at the Jedi Temple.

248. I will not reenact the Escher scene from Labyrinth.

- Especially not with Suicide as Jareth.

- And any of the Nursery babies as Toby.

249. As much as I love Scooby-Doo, doing any chase scenes in any of the Escher Rooms is a big no-no.

- Especially with the new recruits.

250. Do not mention gravity in any of the Escher Rooms. It's not funny to tempt fate while walking sideways/upside-down/diagonally/etc.

251. There are many versions of the Ironic Overpower. Fear them. Even if they have funny names.

- Like Kiwi.

- Or Apple.

- Or Apple and Kiwi.

- Especially near the Department of Bad Slash.

252. I will not send any agent to the Star Trek continuum in a red shirt.

- Not even on April Fool's Day.

253. I will not say "She's dead, Jim," every time I kill a Mary Sue.

- Even if my partner's name is Jim.

254. I will not mix Romulan Ale with Bleeprin.

- Unless I have just escaped from a fic of "Celebrian" quality or worse.

255. Molotov cocktails with Bleepka is a waste of Bleepka.

256. I am NOT MacGyver. I can't fix my console with a ballpoint pen, a rubber band, a sweat sock, and knitting needles.

- Makes-Things can't do it either.

257. I am not to quote Invader Zim while chasing Sues.

258. I may not give River Tam a Gunblade and sic her on the Sue.

- Nor Saavedro.

- Nor Gollum.

- Detective Tutuola is RIGHT OUT.

259. I may not smack a Sparklypoo on the snoot with a rolled up copy of ANY goodfic.

- Not even to toast marshmallows on her when she bursts into flames.

260. Cthulhu is on a strict no-Sue diet. How do you think he got so portly?

261. There is no patron saint of the PPC. I am not dead, nor good and pure enough to qualify.

- I may not mint saint's medals with my face on them.

- Unless I stop selling them at ludicrous prices.

← Part I Part II Part III →