The Suvian Proteome

This is a companion piece to Trojanhorse's "Scientific Theory of Suvian Origins," written by Crystal.

Hypothesis
It has been hypothesised that the common Mary Sue evolved from primitive suematolites (a multicellular organism). It has also been hypothesized that many of the attributes of Sues stem from the incorporation of mica in some proteins.

To explain this, researchers began looking for evidence of mica-like structures within the proteome of various Sue types. Much to their surprise, a whole new amino acid appears to be present within the proteome of Sues, but not possessed canons, or agents. This amino acid has been christened Suemainie and is possessed of the general structure:

X2Y4(6)Z8O20(OHF)4 H-N-C-C=O H H O-H

Where X may be No or Zr, Y is Ag, Au, or Pt and Z is usually Hg, but can be Pb.

The structure is unlike that of conventional mica, but follows the same pattern. The presence of a heavy metal group within the structure may account for the poisonous effect of Sues on the canon, and also for the addiction of many Sues to the "Goth" look.

The presence of Suemainie is what gives glitter its characteristic sparkle, and is also responsible for the allergies suffered by many agents on contact with Sues. Suemainie is also responsible for the unusual strength and endurance of Sues.

Sues are known to excrete pheromones which attempt to attract all available males in the vicinity by stimulating the brain to produce Lustin. Some species and individuals are notably resistant to this, including Dwarves and Giants. Lustin causes male canons to believe that the Sue is "The most beautiful girl he had ever seen," despite all the evidence to the contrary. Sueish pheromones act differently on female canons, either causing them to become horrendously jealous, or very girly, which usually manifests in the canon lending or making the Sue a dress, or doing her hair and make-up.

It appears likely that Sues secrete a number of different pheromone types, including Aggregation Pheromones (to attract canons), Alarm Pheromones (causing canons to act if the Sue is in danger) and Epideictic Pheromones (to warn off canon females).

Sue pheromones appear to work on the canonical brain in such a way as to slow the thought processes and dull the senses and reactions. This accounts for the Sueish ability to defeat multiple enemies before the canon characters have even drawn their weapons.

Board Discussion
The following discussion arose from this being posted on the Board:

Huinesoron had a few chemistry questions on this subject:
 * I have to wonder whether the researchers have a great deal of experience with their equipment. You see, it seems to me that their proposed "Suemainie" is impossible, chemically speaking. It appears to consist of the unit cell of a crystal lattice (a form of mica, as seen here) with an amino acid structure (NH2CHCO2H, I assume bound to the mica through the bold C) attached to it. This, however, is not a possible structure: mica is a crystal, indicating that it consists of an infinite array of packed layers. It does not consist of individual molecules which could be bound to an amino acid group. A unit cell of mica could not exist in isolation – the atoms at the edge of the unit would be insufficiently coordinated. Thus I am forced to conclude that the researchers have made a grave error; perhaps their samples were contaminated?

To which Crystal replied:
 * Well... of course it is impossible. I was going for names rather than chemical formulae. The mica bit is the one found on Wikipedia, with the elements changed to more Sueish ones rather than boring iron and tin!


 * We could of course assume that the Suemainie in Sue proteins stack up a little like how S bonds between real proteins work; the chemical structure of these proteins will be very different from human ones. Anyway the proteins need to be a little unstable so they can exert a biological effect!

Trojanhorse suggested, in her role as wishy-washy synthesist:
 * The other problem with just importing the mica structure as is is that it is too large to get through the pores in a cellular membrane. My suggestion is that the cyanobacteria may secrete some species of organic solvent that allows the bacteria to take up various of the elements that constitute the mica and thus incorporate those into their amino acids.


 * This means that the actual glitter itself would remain extracellular but that components of the glitter would be available to make unique amino acids.


 * I will leave the structures of those amino acids to those qualified in chemistry.

Crystal pondered the subject of the Suvian cellular system and came up with:
 * Sue cells are not like human cells. I assumed that perhaps they employed a phagocytotic process to absorb the mica-like forms, or that the cell itself can manufacture Suemainie (more likely) as it will not be available from food sources anyway. I propose a completely new structure within the Sue cell which controls the synthesis of Suemainie. Sue cells would be programmed to take up trace amounts of the elements required and this organelle would process them. The resulting amino acid would be transferred to tRNA coding for Suemainie! The tRNA then allows incorporation of Suemainie into the proteins as normal, probably via polyribosomes.


 * This new organelle is probably star-shaped, and located somewhere on the rough endoplasmic reticulum, there may be more than one!

Trojanhorse asked for clarification:
 * So are you suggesting that the Sue cell would in fact take up trace elements from the substrate that would fit through its cellular membrane, and then from that assemble a silicate molecule?


 * Obviously as hS said it can't be a whole mica structure (sheet silicate) as that would be too large for any cell, but I think I see where you're going with this.


 * I'm not convinced that colonial cells could employ phagocytosis.

And Crystal replied:
 * Yep. Through a new cell organelle. It is a great pity Sue cells are so difficult to culture!