Not There

Also known as That Does Not Go There or That Shouldn't Fit There, the phrase Not There! is a cry used by agents facing objects being shoved into bodily orifices (usually sexual ones) that they really should not fit into. Sometimes this can cause realistic injuries to the victim, but more commonly in badfic, there is little to no physical damage caused to the recipient. Lubrication may or may not be used in these situations, though the usefulness of any lubrication used may be dubious at best.

This is a charge most often applied by agents who know rather a lot about anatomy (human or otherwise), but some instances are so obvious that even the most anatomically challenged agent can tell that it isn't correct.

Examples of Not There include:


 * "Of Warlords and Pleasures: Cluny the Scourge," a.k.a. The Cluny Fic, has a prime example of this, in that Cluny uses a spear to penetrate Redtooth, which really should have killed the poor rat. (Genuine quote: "Don't worry, I'll take it out once it sinks up to its blade." And it does.)


 * Published example: in Wilbur Smith's Warlock, the former Queen Heseret uses a spear to rape Merykara, her sister. Since this is a Wilbur Smith book, Merykara dies from the rough treatment and Heseret gets her just desserts soon after, making this a more realistic example than the one above.


 * The Saiyuki fic "Distraction" has one character using his penis to penetrate his partner's, ahem, penis.


 * Chibiusa's Seventh Birthday has a scene where Setsuna (Sailor Saturn) forces the wide end of the mini-Youga Time Staff (created by misspelling Time Key) into Sue!Chibiusa's vagina.


 * Chaser Wolf's Shrek fic "Donkey Devirginized" was adequately summarized by a non-member fan of the PPC with the phrase "Horse. Thirty-six inches." The same fic featured urethral penetration of a horse by a cat. The size difference is probably enough that it would go in, but cats have nasty little cartilaginous spines on the body part in question, thus earning this scene a place in the Not There category.


 * Sometimes this applies to things which would fit in the orifice in question, but still shouldn't be put there. See Dubious Lube, and any one of a number of fics in which characters go directly from anal to oral or vaginal sex without washing first. To quote Dante Hicks in the movie Clerks 2, "You never go ass-to-mouth!"