Forbiden Fruit

"Forbiden Fruit: the tempation of Edward Cullen" (note the spelling errors in the title) is the Twilight fandom's answer to Legendary Badfic "My Immortal." Rumour has it it was written by the same person, and it's definitely just as insane (and funny). This one stars a similarly "goffik" Mary Sue by the name of Atlantiana Rebekah Loren, otherwise known as Tiana or Tiaa.

The story originally appeared here (LINK BROKEN). One can find a repost here. PitViperOfDoom put the story through the mission treatment with her agents Kestrel, Mordecai Lee, Caleb Cooper and Jack.

"Plot" Summary
The story opens with the introduction of Tiaa, who has moved to Forks to live with her new foster-parents, Dave and Marie. She complains for a long time about how the other girls mock her for being too pale and slim and having large breasts. When she arrives at school, she encounters an "unbelievably jaw-droopingly hawt HAWT HAAAAAAAAWT dude" who proves to be Edward (or possibly "Ewdard") Cullen. He bumps into her and makes her drop her books, then apologises in horrendously butchered Olde English and tells Tiaa she's beautiful. She rudely points out that she's seen him with Bella and scratches his hand before changing her mind and engaging in an urple prose-riddled makeout session with him. She then changes her mind again and tries to run. He insists that he must speak to her about her secret and informs her that he knows she is a "campire." Tiaa assumes he's making fun of her goth image, kicks him in the "massive throbbing gigglestick," and flees.

That evening, Dave and Marie have to leave the house for unclear reasons, and leave Tiaa with "uncle larry," a hilariously over-the-top villain who beats and rapes her. She flees the house and is confronted by a mysterious white figure, who promptly vanishes after doing exactly nothing useful.

Next day, Tiaa goes to a beach party, where Bella (who is now a popular cheerleader, in contrast to her canon self) and her friends mock Tiaa for having large breasts (which is apparently the best insult they can think of). She meets some new friends, three goth girls who apparently speak in perfect unison. She argues with Edward again, makes out with Edward again, then goes home and is raped and beaten by uncle larry again.

Tiaa's friends volunteer her for a talent contest, which she wins even though she didn't want to be in it and hadn't practiced, of course. She argues with Edward again, makes out with him again, goes home, and is beaten and raped by uncle larry again.

After writing a horrifically bad poem to "Ewdard," Tiaa is visited by the mysterious white figure again, who turns out to be her birth father, Caius of the Volturi, who again does nothing useful. Uncle larry attacks her yet again, but she's saved at the last moment by Edward, who knocks larry unconscious. He declares he is now in love with Tiaa, they have sex, then he angsts about leaving Bella and flees. Tiaa has apparently been transformed into a vampire by this, as uncle larry appears and tries to rape her yet again, but she suddenly develops superhuman strength, breaks his neck, and drinks all his blood. Next day, Tiaa discovers she has become a full sparklepire complete with even paler and prettier skin and shiny silver eyes (these last being completely uncanon, as sparklepire eyes are either shades of red or shades of gold), and Dave gets a phone call saying larry has been killed by a wild animal.

On her way to school, Tiaa is confronted by "Snooflanti-tatuna," a.k.a. Snoofles, a panda bear who is inexplicably living in the Washington woodlands. He cannot speak English (even though, as we see later, he goes to nightclubs and owns a car), so it's revealed that Tiaa has learned to talk to animals (which Twilight-verse vampires can't normally do). She also discovers she can cause plants to bloom, cause things to catch on fire, move objects via telekinesis and make lightning strike her enemies. At school, she argues with Edward yet again, then has sex with him again, but Bella bursts in on them and threatens suicide. Edward leaves with Bella, and Tiaa runs home to smoke pot and sulk. Dave greets her cheerfully, and she curses him out and telekinetically hurls an ashtray at his head. He doesn't even seem to notice.

Snoofles takes Tiaa out to a goth club, where she meets and befriends Jasper Cullen, comforting him when he tells her he is secretly gay and troubled about it. They all do drugs, which don't seem to actually have any effect, and drive around randomly for a while. They are attacked by a mysterious man with "black hair like the black feathers of a raven in the black darkness," who manages to kidnap Tiaa because Jasper, Snoofles, and their new human friend Vince are "too busy doing gay sex on each other to notice." Yes, Jasper Cullen is randomly having sex with an apparently non-anthro panda. We'll just pause here while you let that sink in.

Ahem. Anyway, Tiaa wakes up to find herself chained to a chair. The mysterious man turns out to be Jacob Black "THE WEREWOLF KING!" He announces that he intends to kill Tiaa because she has broken Bella's heart, and because her father was a vampire and her mother was a "whitch," making her a "HALF-BREAD!" He apparently intends to rape her, as he strips off and rubs her knees with his "male genital item," but "Ewdard" bursts in to the rescue in the nick of time. The story apparently ends there, barring a much-belated update.

Quotes

 * "Oh ewdard with your skin so white/ Your eyes like amber out of sight/ Pale angel in my eyes/ Hair like gold rosy sunrise-"
 * "omg my sweet lady" he cried! "what has this frightful asshole been doing to thee?"
 * "OMG, how is this possible?" i said "Don't ask me I'm just a panda, lol"