Unclaimed Badfic

This is a list of all unclaimed badfic that has either been reported to the Board or has been posted here by disgusted agents/boarders/random people. If you are a random person, feel free to pop over to The Board to join in with the discussion there.

To add to this list, for the sanity of everyone here (what is left of it anyway), please make sure to: And as much it it may gall you to leave drivel here, please refrain from editing any spelling and grammar mistakes in the summary, because such mistakes amuse us.
 * Place your badfic in alphabetical order in the appropriate category, which would be the fandom that it comes from unless it is a crossover, in which case put it in Crossovers and note which fandoms are crossed.
 * Make sure to include a link to the fic in question, the rating next to the fic title, and the summary under the title.

If you wish to claim a fic from this list:
 * Move it to the list of claimed badfic, complete with rating, link, and summary, and add your name to it.
 * Make sure to delete it completely from this list, including the category if there are no other badfics in said category (this keeps things neater).
 * It would probably also be wise to announce your claim on the Board, so everyone knows what you are letting yourself in for.

To keep this list tidy, please alphabetize and date entries. Badfic that has been on the list for more than 18 months should be removed, since it is unlikely anyone will claim it if they haven't already.

Crossovers

 * |Artemis Artemis Fowl and the Time Lord - Rated: K+ Doctor Who & Artemis Fowl
 * A crossover of Artemis Fowl and Doctor who. Artemis manages to get the TARDIS to land in his garden, so Artemis can ask some questions. But then Number 1 comes along, possest by the Midnight creature. Quantum Zomies are their bodys, and they're getting AF
 * Take Bleeprin.


 * Becoming A Legend = T Rated - Star Wars and the Dark Knight Trilogy
 * After Obi Wan's death, Qui Gon becomes a leading member of the League of Shadows known as Henri Ducard. But what if it was all a lie? Star Wars X Batman Begins crossover, complete.


 * Crimson Blood - T Rated (although I'd say M) - Harry Potter x Lord of the Rings (both in name only)
 * Harry and Frodo are depressed so they decide to do drugs and it leads down a dark path. CHARACTER DEATH, SLASH. This 1 is a rlly serius fic. Its really sad you guys i cried when I wrote it. My friend is also a cutter so ths is an issue vaery close to me. I also have freinds that do drugs aokat and I know what I'm taliking about! PS: THANKS TO SARAH FOR FIXING MY SPELLING LUV YA GURL lol
 * Harry and Frodo smoke weed, fall out with their boyfriends and then commit suicide by razor blade. Oh, and then their boyfriends also kill themselves. What.


 * The Dream - Rated T - Silent Hill and Twilight
 * Little Bella is having nightmare's about a place called Silent hill, so she goes to live with the cullens as her mum has gone to solve the nightmares. What Will she have to sacrifice? and Who is Who? Characters Edward & Bella,


 * Fallen Rider - T Rated - Eragon x Warcraft
 * belf/draenei pairing, no flames accepted.
 * Incoherent.


 * Fanfiction Author Fighters series - T rated
 * Author Fighter Christmas - T Rated - Oh god I think I've lost track here
 * An indeterminable mess of incredibly overpowered self-inserts, lame everything, and a ridiculous number of evil twins. For the love of all that exists, bring Bleeprin, and even then that may not be enough!
 * Judging by the note on the bottom of the first chapter, whoever wrote this doesn't really care about their writing whatsoever.
 * Author Fighters Return of the vampire queen - T rated - Again, lost track of it here
 * Again, with lame everything, overpowered self-inserts and general badness.
 * Author Fighters: The Genetic Bonds! - T rated - Too many things to count
 * Like the above, it's got loads of self-inserts that are really powerful, and is basically incomprehensible.
 * The Space Warrior's: Balance Rescue - t rated - Way too many things to count (But it has pokemorphs)
 * Look at any of the Author Fighters badfics above, and you've got the general idea of what this badfic has in store.


 * Knight of the Wastes - Rated T - Fallout x Dragon Age
 * It all started with the battle at Ostagar, watching Logain's betrayl and Duncan's death before his eyes. Then right as Alistair is about to meet death himself. A spell goes awry sending Alistier into the wastes lands and into the arms of the lovely Hope (the PC from Fallout 3).
 * Canon disruptions? Check. Improper use of spelling and grammar? Check. Misuse of magic? Check. A poorly-written F!Lone Wanderer/Alistair? Yep! Thankfully, it's about two chapters long, but watch out for walls of text, especially in the second chapter.


 * Mega Man At McDonalds - Rated T - Mega Man x Resident Evil x Metal Gear
 * My first fanfic uploaded for nostalgia. Won't be updated.


 * My Pretty Little Lying Ponies - Rated K - My Little Pony x Naruto x Pretty Little Liars
 * Hi, I am darknessprincessrainbowdash11 and I always get a 6 on my writing assignments in my honors english class. I never get to write about my favorite things though and my favorite things are naruto, my little pony, and pretty little liars
 * Trollfic


 * The new beginning - T rated - Harry Potter x Lord of the Rings.
 * A twist on the usual abused harry rescue. Harry actually has a twin sister that has been hidden at Privet Drive unknown to all but a few. This is my first fanfiction attempt. Feel free to review, even flames are welcome.Some crossover with LOTR. Repost!


 * OH MY ANGEL - T rated - Twilight x Mortal Instruments
 * Edward is about to leave when a few new students show up. and they somehow already know bella. edward realises that he doesn't know everything about his girlfriend follow along as he figures out her secret...or not
 * No. Just no. This makes the two parent series look like Shakespeare in comparison.


 * Punch Drunk Love. - T rated - Bleach x Gundam 00.
 * AUish. Matsumoto and a certain brunette walk into a bar and get drunk. When the two arrive at the brunette's place, however, one of them may have feelings for one another. Shoujo-ai, Crossover. Short, OOC, Gundam 00 crossover based on the premise that both canons have a drunk, busty female. This gets on Serra's nerves for more than one reason.


 * Raider's Descent - FR18 rated (Twisting the Hellmouth) - Harry Potter x Buffy the Vampire Slayer x Tomb Raider
 * What would happen if Buffy & Spike's kid came to Hogwarts? What if Lara Croft raised her? What happens when she’s sorted into Slytherin? Will she convince her fellow snakes to think for themselves? Or will they devour her from beneath?


 * The Rangers Of NIMH - T-rated - Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers x The Secret if NIMH (animated version) with cameos from Pinky and the Brain, The Rescuers, and Gargoyles.
 * The Rescue Rangers investigate some break-ins at the local hospital, determining that Nimnul has stolen files which are assumed to involve rats. Justin is in the city sewer where the rats of NIMH have moved, sitting in a chair and mulling over their failure. Johnathan Brisby, a thinly-veiled self-insert/mouse wearing a ruby locket who is more banal than he should be, is introduced and becomes the go-between between the two groups - though he's reluctant when he tells the rangers he's descended from Jonathan Brisby of NIMH. He and Gadget are attracted to each other immediately. And Gadget herself may have a secret connection to NIMH...
 * One of the first fics David Gonterman wrote and the one that secured his reputation as a terrible writer. The very first sentence shows a complete disregard for spelling and grammar and only gets worse from there. He later used Jonathan Brisby in an "original" series called Fauna Force, which was a blatant rip-off of Archie Comics' Sonic the Hedgehog. Talk about a ripoff of a ripoff...


 * Secrets - T rated - Harry Potter x The Sarah Jane Adventures
 * Hermione and her god son Teddy just moved to Barrow man road. It's only a matter of time before trouble finds them, or they find it.
 * Hermione takes Teddy Lupin, who isn't going to Hogwarts because Hermione (whose marriage with Ron has been childless and annulled) is afraid he'll be a bully magnet, to "Barrow man Road [sic]" where they meet the Jacksons (and Hermione carries Alan's child). Oh, and Hermione has stolen Molly Weasley's moment of glory.


 * So Far Away - K rated - World 1 x Lord of the Rings
 * Orlando Bloom & my own creation. Orlando takes a walk in the woods when he's supposed to be at a press conference. He comes across a strange woman in the forest. She's a half elf from Middle Earth!In his quest to help her return home, he developes feeling


 * Summer with Eragon - T rated - Harry Potter x Eragon.
 * Hp eragon crossover. Hermione's love life is close to almost nothing, shes home for summer vaycay and wants to start over, relation ship wise. on a trip to the beach she meets the ever so handsome Eragon. xhergonx


 * Toxic Promises - K+ Rated - Land Before Time x Jurassic Park
 * A Littlefoot x Cera story, where appearently Cera gets turned into a longneck.
 * OOC'ness detected in this story.


 * Transplant - T rated - Doctor Who x Harry Potter
 * Rose Weasley traveled back in time, acquired a job at Henrik's, walked into a basement, and began running.


 * The Wizard Of The Norse - T rated - Harry Potter x How to Train Your Dragon
 * Harry has just lost his godfather, Sirius Black at the Department of Mysteries, and managed to follow him though the Veil to a place called Berk in Norse times. Harry has also found his Animagus form, a Night Fury. Rated 'T' for Later Chapters


 * Wizards and Sorcery - K+ rated - Belgariad/Malloreon x Harry Potter
 * Story set in a time after the end of the Epilogue of Polgara the Sorceress, crosses over Harry Potter whose on his fifth year, while Geran's beginning his first. AUfic to Order of the Phoenix. Updated 24 September 2008. Sorry it's been long.
 * Hey, Belgarath, remember when two of your brother disciples killed themselves? Yeah, they really didn't, they ran off to another world. Author has apparently decided that the Eddings books refer to "wizardry", therefore it's identical to HP wizardry.

Bleach

 * Blue hair and Pocky. - T rated.
 * Grimmjow is pissed off at the world agian and comes to the human world to vent his anger. But he unexpectingly comes a cross a childish acting 105 year old that loves pocky and bugs the crap out of him. How does he feel about this? Read and find out :3


 * Kokoro no Yuki. - T rated.
 * As a new Lieutenant to the 10th Division, she didn't think that her new job would be too hard, right? HitsuXOC, Rated T, PreSoul Society Arc and continuing


 * The Late blooming bellflower - T rated.
 * Hisana was quiet shy and obedient. YUKA is loud, proud and stubborn. But why is Byakuya caring for Yuka so much? ByaxOCC and a little IchixRuki. R&R

Death Note

 * Light And Dark The Adventures Of Dark Yagami - rated T.
 * Summary: Light's twin brother Dark moves in with them! What secrets does he have? Has cusses and Sayu/Misa. EDIT: His other sister Night Yagami will come as well! Find her secrets too!
 * Godawful spelling and grammar mistakes, really confusing plot.

Digimon

 * Soccer star extraordinaire - M rated
 * Tai's a big soccer-star at his school & Matt's a teen heartthrob who attends the same school. Matt starts raping Tai but Tai can't tell anyone about it 'cus he doesn't want to get labeled a pussy-male-rape-victim 'cus that would hurt his soccer career
 * Despite the summary, this isn't intended to be an AU, but the Author's vision of what happened after 02. This despite the fact that Tai and Matt might as well be OCs. And of course, no Digimon are mentioned, or else Rapist!Matt would already be Greymon chow before the first chapter even ended.

Gundam

 * Murphy's Law - T rated.
 * Murphy's law states "Whatever can go wrong, WILL go wrong." The G-boys find this out when they achieve peace, only to find themselves in unknown territory in a war stricken world. X-Over with another Gundam time line.
 * Short so far, but ugh. Bad characterisation and an incredibly improbable crossover. 

Haruhi Suzumiya

 * The wow factor - K+ rated.
 * Life can sure pack a "wow" factor.
 * Only three chapters so far, but an impressive charge list, including creating 'Haruhi's twin sister', along with the typical SPaG abuse.

Hellsing

 * How two sisters entered the hellsing world - M rated.
 * how two half sisters ended up in the hellsing world.
 * Aside from said sisters having speshul powers, an abusive step-father and instant attention from Alucard, the grammar and spelling is abysmal. There are scripts in the author's notes that rival the length of the actual chapters. And the wrongness of all that. THE WRONGNESS!

Hetalia

 * Erityisiä karkkeja - T rated.
 * Finland finally went all the way with Sweden and is facing the consequences of that "out of character" night. Finland is facing denial and depression but of course he has Sweden and maybe even Sealand to cheer him up. Mpreg,human names used and depression
 * This thing has only one chapter so far and yet it's ridiculous. Expect this thing to accumulate quite the number of charges.


 * Holding on to hope - T rated.
 * A take on the last US elections and Barack Obama's victory from a Hetalia point of view. America is hurt and abused and is hoping that the new president will bring peace and prosperity to a wounded country. Obama/US as requested.
 * What the heck is this? Not only does the author portray the Bush administration as abusing America- she also ships him and Obama together and has all of the nations rejoicing over it and having no problem with it. Heck, the characters are quite OOC to begin with.


 * Take Me Away - T rated.
 * For 12 years, Arthur and Francis have had to deal with their sons' disappearances, hoping for some sort of closure. For 12 years, Alfred and Matthew have been living a comfortable life. Full summary inside, unfortunately... D:
 * Improbable situations, period.

Soul Eater

 * Witches Aren't Always Bad T rated
 * The title pretty much shows how much respect the author has for canon.

Yu-Gi-Oh

 * Happy Lie - T rated
 * Jounouchi is a vampire. Sweet, simple and to the point. But what happens when he needs a mate by his eighteenth birthday? Chaos happens.


 * Light and Darkness - T rated
 * Another young teenager comes across an ancient puzzle. When she finds it forms into a rose, and connects her spirit to another, how will this affect her budding relationship with Yugi?

Calvin and Hobbes

 * Then Fall Hobbes - K+ rated
 * FINAL CHAPTER UP! Hobbes, having been replaced by the new tiger, seems to have won his place back in Calvin's life. What happens when Chic returns and with a vengence.

El Goonish Shive

 * Twin Envy T Rated.
 * A family crisis leaves Sarah and Elliot’s relationship on the rocks...but after a strange accident in Tedd’s lab, Sarah’s suddenly more into Elliot than ever. Still, Elliot can’t shake the feeling that something's not quite right...

Garfield

 * The Adventures of Garfield and Rapunzel - K rated
 * A pretty Siamese cat sneaks into Garfield's house to steal food. When he catches her at it, she convinces him to accompany her on her quest to right the injustices of the world.


 * The Cat Next Door - K rated
 * Our cute, fat, and fuzzy feline falls in love with the cat next door. - Read & Review!

Batman (Nolanverse)

 * Sparrow - T Rated
 * Elizabeth Wayne is the daughter of Batman and Catwoman, like her sister Huntress. The problem is that they don't get along as you may think, fighting back to back with Robin is also joyest fun to the new hero. I hope you enjoy the story as it progress. :

Chronicles of Riddick

 * Chaos Unleashed - T Rated
 * its the usual story with a new character. Another Con transported with the HG peeps what Chaos will She unleash? first posted story read or not up to the story surfers

The Fifth Element

 * The fifth and a half element - K+ rated
 * Leloo and Korbon have a child, and after that child's birth their worlds get turned upside down...
 * The typical 'Mary Sue child of two canon characters' plot, now with added angst but no added plot!

Great Mouse Detective

 * The Arden Saga - Seven part doozy, features one massive Mary Sue, a whole heck of a lot of bit characters, a bow and arrow being used in late 19th century England, and Slut!Olivia. Used to be a series of glorified songfics, but is even worse now that the lyrics have been taken out.
 * After what Happened, Can I still Win? - T rated
 * The First of the Arden series. A stubborn, lonely mouse must keep herself away The Rat Trap before a evil powerful locket falls into the wrong hands. Takes place right after the movie.
 * Arden's First Love - T rated
 * Second Arden story. Arden was all alone, but not anymore, for this time, she deals with a new problem, new friends, and ,surprisingly, her first love! What does Ratigan plan to do now?
 * Under The Flaversham Rooftop - K+ rated
 * Third Arden story. This is a detailed series of stories of the first two years Arden spends living with the Flavershams. This is rated PG for some peril and intence moments. This story has some romance along with humor and angst. FINALLY COMPLETE!
 * The Everlasting Crystal - T rated
 * The 4th story in the Arden Saga. Taking place three months after the end of UTFR, Arden has isolated herself away from the world,or at least from her family. Her ignorance makes everyone tense, except Basil of Baker Street. Never underestimate a detective
 * A Cold Day in November - T rated
 * Four months have gone by since the 4th story and now in November1899,Arden is digging for buried treasure,but what she and a colleague find is more than they had expected it to be.A new adventure starts here! Chpt.4 has the lyrics to All Alone by Kutless.
 * Jail Mouse - T rated
 * 6th Arden story, there’s a ghost, romance, and on January 22, 1901, Arden is framed for a crime she did'nt commit. While in prison, with memories from the past come to visit, friends are lost and gained, all she needs now is love
 * Changes - T rated
 * 7th Arden story, Arden’s finally has it all, and is now happy…but for how long?

How to Train Your Dragon

 * Fly With Me - T rated
 * One day Hiccup and Toothless find an injured girl in the forest but Hiccup discovers how alike they are as he and Toothless want to help her come out of her shell as they both have things to teach each other as Lyna adjusts to living On Berk.


 * Toothless Love - M rated, NSFW
 * Toothless cares about his Hiccup very much. As such, it is only fitting that Toothless makes sure his Hiccup knows, right? Unfortunately, impossible situations now seem to be commonplace in Berk. HumanoidForm!Toothless. Yaoi. Rated M for chapter eight.


 * Love's Cost - T rated
 * The goddess of love and destiny, Freya, gives Toothless a week to show Hiccup his love. But will it come at a cost too high?

Pirates of the Caribbean

 * What the Crap - T rated
 * Two good friends from our time get thrown into Pirates of the Caribbean and must deal with drunken pirates, annoying governor's daughter, all while trying to maintain their friendship even though they like men who are each other's enemies.

Reservoir Dogs

 * Orange's Girl - T rated.
 * White has a daughter who falls in love with Orange...but what happens when they find out Oranges secret....OFCOrange Au fic. T for language.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show

 * Give Yourself Over - M rated
 * A young girl finds herself at the castle of Frank N. Futer and is thrown into a world where she may find happiness.
 * Yes, the mini-Frank is in the official summary. It gets worse from there on in.
 * That Tuesday in Autumn - T rated
 * This is the story of Autumn and Tuesday two kids whom were abondonded as newborns, there finaly growing older, but will they ever know who their real parents are? you'll have to read it to find out, its more intersting than it sounds trust me :

Star Wars

 * The Chosen Two - K+ rated
 * You know the prophecy... or do you? A young Padawan's struggles, laughs, friendships, and heartbreak as she struggles to find the true meaning of the prophecy of the Chosen One... and the mysterious properties of blue milk. Meet Rezmir Ikkmu.
 * The title really should tell you everything.


 * Clone Wars IM - K+-rated.
 * The exciting and insane conversations between our favorite Clone Wars characters! Rated P for Psychiatric Help needed.


 * Love isn't Easy till the End - T rated
 * Snips i really dont know please just hang in their ok" Anakin said sofly "no no! im not Anakin" Ahsoka said that was a word you rarely herd from her lips..... A/N just read rated T for violance not language
 * The formatting on this is eye-searing. Just in case the summary didn't clue you into that.
 * Synopsis is basically what you can guess from the title. Anakin falls in love with his jailbait Padawan, and Padme is not in the picture. A&A get married in secret, the requisite sex scenes, pregnancy, and angsting over the Council finding out follow. For fifty chapters. Fortunately, the chapters aren't very long.


 * Precious One- T-rated
 * Even thought their marriage was arranged, Grievous and Alice got along great- until he got killed. But there is a plus. If Alice can convince 5 heart-broken guys that there's still hope for love, she gets him back. GrievousOC and lots of 'LOL's inbetween!


 * Sw Aliit Orishya Taldin - T rated
 * Read the story, you will get the plot line. No flamming please. Story line takes place from pre-Clone war to Pre-Imerial War GCW . Once apon a time, in a Galaxy far, far away...
 * It's about Jango Fett and Zam Wesell. Frankly, I don't understand much more than that, but it might be a Mary Sue piece.  The Mandalorian words really aren't helping.


 * World Guardians the warrior - T rated.
 * Charlie crosses over in to the star wars world. She meets her favorite characters of all time. She is slowly losing her memory and if she loses all her memory she'll die. But the sith plan to use her to win the clone wars! complete R&R.


 * World Guardians 2 the Magician and the guard - T rated.
 * Charlie is called back to the world of star wars to a rumor of grievous having a weapon. and there are some new world guardians in added to the chaos Nathan and Kathryn. complete my friends its complete. please read and review.


 * World Guardians Forgotten Padawan T rated.
 * A new addition to the World Guardians, there are a new set of heroes who must protect a young padawan from General Grievous.
 * The World Guardians stories are linked to a story in the Sherlock Holmes 2009 movie continuum by having the main Sue in common. Miah has claimed the Sherlock Holmes story, but is willing to collaborate with others that know more about the Clone Wars era of the Star Wars continuum to make a massive Sue killing mission across all Charlie the Sue's stories.

Animorphs

 * The Talent,, My story - M rated
 * There's a new Animorph: will she prove to be more powerful then any Andilight? Will she become too powerful? Will she be strong enough and use her abilities wisely enough to defeat Visser Three? recently edited.

Harry Potter

 * Alone in the Rain - T rated
 * After an awful summer Hermione looks forward to escaping to school but unexpectedly school isn't the escape she was looking for.


 * By the Toll of the Clock - K+ rated
 * A Snape/Hermione one-shot. Hermione's parents have been dead for years and now she's having flashbacks of living with none other than Snape himself when she was very young. Not necessarily compliant with the HP universe.


 * First Encounter - T rated but kind of NSFW/NSFB
 * Hogwarts has contracted a disease called loneliness and the giant squid as the only cure. Hogwartsgiant squid
 * Lleu's note: yes, you read that correctly: Hogwarts/giant squid.


 * Hagrid and Hedwig - M rated - NSFW, NSFB
 * Hagrid and Hedwig get friendly


 * Harry Potter and the Chalice - M rated.
 * Summary: inside...pairings include cannon, CWSS, BZDT, OWPW, and two suprise pairings with OC's...warnings...slash,rape, mpreg, lots of death and blood, duh its got vampires every where...vampires with out blood will never work...


 * Hermione is the girl that all the boys want - T rated.
 * Hermoiones aunt is a playboy bunny ,ever since she can remeber she has always wanted to be one.Now she is well a junier playboy bunny.She also finds out that her parents were lying to her about something very important.


 * Love Me Like I Want You To - M rated
 * Voldemort is a cat/human hybrid. All he wants is love, and he knows he'll never get it. why? because his mate is Harry Potter. He decides to end it all at the hands of his mate. Will Harry do it? Will love happen?
 * Apparently the author has decided that their previous attempt wasn't good enough, and so have removed it and started again.Extreme OOCness in the case of Voldemort (as well as Tom Riddle), and he now has ears and a tail. And wants to marry Harry Potter. Urgh.


 * Secrets - M rated - NSFW
 * Harry is having secret thoughts about someone that is forbidden to him in more than one way. Hermione is getting suspicious, but does she really want to know what is going on? Rated M for a reason. HPDU eventually
 * Harry is in love with Umbridge and with Hermione (with whom he breaks up); he also flirts with Draco, but I couldn't tell how serious that was.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

 * Marvin in Love - K rated
 * Marvin has found another gloomy, bored robot to share his pains with: Thelma. She accompanies him on his travels with Zaphod, Trillian, Ford, and Arthur. Please R&R - I need ideas!

Inheritance Cycle

 * Bonded - T-rated
 * Disclaimer: I Don't Own the Inheritence Cycle's Characters I especially don't own anything from Eragon. E/S What happens when Roran cuts Eragon's Gedwey Ignasia and Eragon gets turned into a dragon hatchling? I'm not sure for the spoilers but none so far.
 * As opposed to owning the Inheritance Cycle characters and not owning anything from Eragon. What. Blushing dragons, mediocre punctuation, even if spelling and grammar are mostly decent. Featured quotes: "They will pay for this humility", "That's it! We settle this like men, I challenge you to a duel", "You are a murder of dragon kind", "I AM BROM, RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATHS OF FIVE OF YOUR FORSWORN! HOW ABOUT YOU GET YOUR COWARDLY ASS DOWN HERE SO I CAN ADD YOU TO MY LIST?".

Kane Chronicles

 * Finding the Locker - T-rated
 * made a mistake and posted wrong thing lol anyway this is about how Ronny and Charlie two bestfriends find the 'locker' and them discovering more about their history soz about bad summary

Lord of the Rings canon

 * Atar - NSFW/NSFB
 * Fëanor and Maedhros are so much more than just father and son.


 * Aragorn and the angeli - T rated
 * A new species is in middle earth, how will she change the fellowship and can she put aside her haunting past?
 * Last survivor of a Magical Sue Race, she vaporizes a Nazgul at Weathertop and joins the Fellowship. She also has Arwen look on Aragorn as a little brother who's an "absolute pain" (direct quote) in order to free Aragorn up.


 * Captain of Mordor - NC-17 rated - NSFW/NSFB
 * This ships Faramir and Shagrat.


 * Crossing the Line - T rated
 * The second daughter of Galdriel and Celeborn must decide between the one whom she loves and the duty to her people. But then another elf comes into the picture and makes things even harder.


 * Follow Your Heart - K rated
 * This is my first fanfic, and I wrote this because I wanted someone besides Aragorn to get some love. I didn't really make it as a spin off of LOTR, just kind of borrowed the characters and a few places. Constructive criticism welcome.


 * Hobbits in High School - T rated
 * When a small stupid Hobbit pushes the 4 Friends' buttons too much they beat the crap out of him. And with that they are sent to Gondor High. This is all about their adventure of getting through high school just like everyone else.


 * Love or Duty - M rated (not sure why)
 * Legolas must choose between his love for his best friend or the duty to his kingdom. LegolasOC


 * My Fairytale - T rated
 * Estel daughter of Elessar has lost everything: father, mother, sister, brother - and freedom. When she is given a second chance at life, she finds herself in what she was always told was a fairytale. Is it? Or is it the past she was meant to live?


 * Not Such a Good Idea After All -- R rated, NSFW
 * Basically, this ships Meriadoc and Ghân-buri-Ghân


 * Proving Azzy Wrong - Restricted Audience rated - NSFW/NSFB!
 * There is nothing worse than being bitten by a horse fly...


 * Reassuring Galadriel - NSFW
 * Melian, queen of Doriath tutors a young Galadriel in the pleasures of the flesh.


 * Recover Your Strength - rated Adult+.
 * After Aragorn falls from the cliff during the Two Towers, how does Legolas cope, first with his friend's death, and then Aragorn's injury? A/L, Anal, H/C, UST


 * This is not the Renaissance Festival - Rated T
 * Tiffani and Shea end up in Middle Earth instead of at the Renaissance Festival. The Fellowship of the Ring meets the soul mates.
 * Real gem, this one. Two Sues, no description, random everything, go after Haldir and Legolas respectively. Lots of Hobbit-hugging, very bad case of Bubbly!Sues with mindsets of immature teenagers. Characters remind of cardboard. Too many immature pranks to count. Generally confusing. Short paragraphs and chapters, 18 chapters, complete.

Mercedes Lackey

 * Halloween K+ rated
 * They just wanted thier last Halloween to memorable. They didn't expect to be dropped into the middle of a fantasy world that was just like the books they loved so well. Set in the Herald's world. No mary-sues!


 * a new world T rated
 * A young Tele'dras girl ends up in an completly unknown world. Will she find her way home? First story. This isn't a story about valdemar . but there are afew elements of valgarth in it.

My Little Pony: FiM

 * the right choice
 * okay this is a one shot lemon twilight x spike i suck at summary's
 * Plotless Twilight/Spike lemon. Why does this exist!?

Narnia

 * The Angel of Narnia PART 1 - Unrated
 * This is a story that is part of the movie but with you in it.....


 * Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have - T rated
 * Karina is an American teenager who's abused by her father. When she finds a way into Narnia she thinks her troubles are over, that is until she's fought over by a handsome Prince and a dashing King. Movieverse Caspian/OC a little Peter/OC COMPLETE


 * Narnia: The Musical - T rated
 * A kidnapped princess, a land prisoned by the very element they love, a strange sickness, and much more are all in this story about finding yourself again, music, and love. COMPLETE! Please R&R!
 * This is not a musical, but a glorified songfic.


 * Puddleglum Commands a Vessel - T rated
 * The Marshwiggle and 'is accomplice mutiny and become pirates. All is well that ends well, and this yarn be not o' such a kind. Arrrr...


 * Royal Findings - T rated
 * Full summary in Chapter 1... Adventure, friendship, and trying not to be killed by monsters that shouldn't even exist. Peter x OC. Complete and Sequel Complete.


 * 'Twas a Cruel World - Unrated
 * A witness to the Deplorable Word, now an EMP.


 * The Watcher - T rated
 * EDITING. Her duty to Aslan is to watch the sons of Adam and daughters of Eve. In the end, the watcher and One son of adam will become so much more. PeterxOc. complete! Important author's note about sequel at the end.

Redwall

 * Backlash's Story - T rated.
 * Who is Backlash? She is the haremaid who fought disguised as a male, the one who helped defeat Yuki and she is the one who helped end the Great Ragnarok and Torquoi war. Rated T for language.


 * Celia's legacy: The Heiress - T rated
 * Celia's daughter tries to survive without her mother. She meet love.
 * As yet unfinished sequel to Felldah Squirrel and Star crossed "love." Deals with Keyla the Second, Celia's Sue daughter who is named after the canon Keyla, who is still mysteriously female. So far, not as bad as the first two...the only thing sporkable is a really cheezy flashback scene and several irrelevent songfics inserted into the text. Has not been updated in a while...but the year is still young. Somebody please kill it quick...she's got more fics on the horizon, if you'll just check her profile, and every future idea is just as bad as the ideas she's actually typed.


 * Star crossed love: The criminal and the healer - T rated
 * Eight seasons after Felldah Squirrel the warrior.Tullgrew's son and Celia are lover but he is accused of murder.Celia meet a vermin and they fall in love.
 * Sequel to Felldah Squirrel, which is on the Claimed list. Celia is the idiot Sue offspring of Keyla and Brome...Keyla is still inexplicably female. She's also a witch, by the way...as if we didn't know that before. Tullgrew's son is really a murderer, and he shows his true colors and leaves Celia after they "mate." While he's away, she finds an unnamed fox in the woods, screws him, and has his baby. Tullgrew's son returns, and, understandably upset that his twu wuv has cheated on him with a fox, he kills her. And this is supposed to be love...? Be prepared for even more bad grammar, stupid songs, and unexplained bit characters. Heck, be prepared to be unable to read it, it's that bad...


 * Tess and Rose - T rated
 * Tess has horrible nightmares.But one day,Tess has an horrible accident and is in a coma.And Mattimeo has to save her.
 * Written by the same author who produced Felldah Squirrel, Star crossed "love," and Celia's Legacy...and probably in the same series, though several Sue-generations removed. Exactly what it says on the tin...except for the fact that, while Tess is in the coma, Rose (yes, that Rose) sees fit to possess her body in a bizarre attempt to live again. Good luck sporking.

The Screwtape Letters

 * Screwtape's New Secretary - M rated - NSFW
 * Toadpipe, Screwtape's secretary, comes to an unfortunate end. Screwtape is more than pleased with his new Secretary, who hails from the Second Circle of Hell. A series of encounters between Screwtape and Snaremouth.

Tamora Pierce

 * The Avatar M rated.
 * Alex, daughter of Gainel and Eliana leaves her home in the Realms of the Gods to stay with her mothers brother in Tortall, the Coopers


 * I Mustn't Love You M rated.
 * Keladry and Lord Wyldon kept captured by the Scanrans and a mage who likes to enjoy his prisoners. What is Wyldon to do when Kel is taken advantage of? Eventually Kel/Wyldon

The Thief

 * The Thief: A Different Story T rated. Claimed by Rosie Azrael.
 * Based on 'The Thief' by Megan Turner. What if Eugenides had been a girl?

Xanth

 * Beginner's Guide to Saving Xanth - T rated
 * Six 18 yr old girls try to save Xanth from an Evil Neo-Magician, his gang of evil followers, and a 12 yr.old girl. Please R/R!
 * Note: by chapter two, this story has introduced not one but ten Magician-caliber talents: four human daughters of elementals with as-yet-undefined (but Sorceress-caliber) talents, Conjuration (given to a Mundane girl by Humfrey), Vanishment, Nullification, Amnesia-Inducing Lasers, Terraforming, and Talent Concealment.

Criminal Minds

 * The Princess and the Geek, -T rated
 * There's a small country off the coast of Italy who's Allies with the United States. But when their under attack, The BAU has to take care of one of the Princesses. Reid/OC

Cubix: Robots For Everyone

 * Chip's Secret
 * Part 2 is up! Chip gets sicker as Graham goes out to look for K. Will Hela be able to keep Kassie and Chip alive? Only time will tell!
 * This badfic is volatile and may depress anyone who tries to read it.

Doctor Who/Torchwood

 * Chloe's Torchwood Adventure - T rated.
 * [TORCHWOOD] Sequel to The Doctor's Daughter. When Chloe finds herself alone in the Universe, a certain adopted Uncle isn't going to let it stay that way for long. Follow the mischievous Time Lady in her adventures at Torchwood.


 * The Doctor Down Under - K+ rated.
 * This is about two girls who meet the 10th doctor and the chaos that follows. Rating is for possible swearing later on, but nothing much. Written by the unbelievably usless Beta of ThePurpleGod,READ HER STORIES THAT ARE AWESOME, then read mine for a laugh.

Gilmore Girls

 * I didn't know I was pregnant - K rated.
 * Rory find's out she's pregnant when she goes into labor during her soccer game one day with Lorelai and Luke on the sidelines watching.


 * Rory's Water Birth - K rated.
 * Rory and Logan have just gotten married and live in a mansion in Palo Alto and Rory is 9 month's pregnant and goes into labor with thier baby the day after thier wedding

G.I. Joe

 * A Killing Business - K+ rated.
 * After a two year hiatus, I return to my Joe Universe. An Army Reservist guides a team of Joes into the Lion's Den. What happens when they find out the reservist is a perfect candidate for G.I.Joe? As always, reviews are welcome.
 * Alex is heading into Warrior!Stu territory. Being combat-trained and combat-effective is one thing, making Jinx (an Arashikage ninja) wonder how Alex managed to take her and the rest of the team out is something else.


 * Secrets of the Ninja - T rated.
 * What if SnakeEyes was a girl and hiding it, she won't be able to keep it secret from the Joes much longer, then her life gets interesting, between love, Cobra, and clan enemies coming out of the woodwork fem SnakeEyes/fem Kamakura
 * We might need to move this to crossovers, there's more and more Naruto elements showing up. In addition to female Snake Eyes, Low Light is a demon who's been passing as human.

Power Rangers

 * Agony In Pink and Agony In Pink 2--A New Ending - M rated. (Actually should be /beyond/ 'M') NSFW/NSFB/NSFH
 * Excerpt from the author's Preface: 'The following story is based on "The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers." There have been other stories, but this is a much stronger story than those other ones, which are a little too "nice" for my tastes. This particular story involves Kimberly, the Pink Ranger, being captured and tortured by the Rangers's arch-nemesis, Lord Zedd."

SpongeBob SquarePants

 * spongebobs letter
 * spongebob lets out his feeling please reveiw

Star Trek

 * Burning Thistles Among Thorns - Rated R
 * Janeway and Chakotay are forced to fight for their lives, when taken prisoner while exploring an unknown world.


 * Picard's Illumination - Rated PG-13
 * A heartbreaking tale of love and sacrifice. Picard learns the true meaning of love, both with and without the doctor... and loss onboard the Enterprise.


 * Star Trek TOS: Carol - Rated T
 * Lt. James Kirk must say goodbye to the woman he loves.


 * Symphony - Rated NC-17
 * When an old flame of Dr. Bashir's arrives on DS9, Julian realizes that he has never stopped loving her. Kaitlynne feels the same, but fate seems to want to keep them apart -- if it doesn't kill her first...

Jesus Christ Superstar

 * Sin- T rated
 * Judas has a crush, and finally decides how to handle it. Mild slash.

Othello

 * Moor's Legend - K+ rated
 * Othello is a wolf named Moor out to win the heart of the one he loves. A friend will become his enemy. A Wolfspearian tail to enjoy. more chapters soon.

Bionicle

 * A new world - K+ rated
 * A girls life is changed forever as she finds herself in another world and in the form of a Toa

Call of Duty

 * The Beta Threat - T rated
 * When a former special forces member is released from prison due to a rising threat, he must confront an enemy beyond the paradigms of human sanity.

Castlevania

 * Castlevania: Draculas Rides Again - T rated
 * Halloween specal!.Felicia Belmont The daughter of Juste Belomt has to stop Dracula.

Dynasty Warriors

 * Su Benji and the Three Kingdoms - T rated
 * Emperor Xian is eventually dethroned, and the land is thrown into chaos. One person will emerge from the chaos to rule over all. A story about an OC, Su Benji, and his quest to rule China and the known world.

Ecco The Dolphin

 * An Evil Dream - Rated K+.
 * BADFIC, IN MY ECCO THE DOLPHIN? It's more likely than you think.

Final Fantasy VII

 * Blow Me Away - K-rated,
 * Clan Nutsy meet a new friend, get transported to Marche's world, and find out someone's aftr their new friend. What's next? (It would seem that it's over, as the author degenerates into utter WTF-ness in chapter six.)


 * Chocobo Nights - X rated, NSFW, NSFB
 * Link leads to Ficbitches review, which links to the fic. Fic is best summarised by this line from the review: "TIFA JUST GAVE BIRTH TO A FUCKING CHOCOBO."

Fire Emblem

 * Wild Justice - T rated.
 * Valter was out searching for Ephraim and instead found a lone wyvern rider. A dark, scarred past lingers around her and something plagues her. What is she trying to fulfill? Rated T for violence, occasional sexual tension, and character death. ValterxOCxEphraim

Halo

 * Halo Brethren - T rated
 * The Master Chief is sent on a deadly mission to investigate rumors of a spartan caputered by the covenant but with a vast Covenant army standing in his way it will be one of his taughest missions yet


 * Thorns of metal - K rated (probably actually T)
 * My new story im doing in school to keep myself from dying of boredom - based on a squad with no rules ripping covenant like it was a summer vacation and alot of guns
 * Halo: A Furry's Tale - T Rated
 * Takes place after Halo 2, when a Furry crashes on Earth along with Master Chief and the "gang". This story only contains moderate violence, drug reference and NO sexual stuff whatsoever. This is my first fanfic so please, only constructive reveiws.

Hitman

 * Hitman: The Hitting - T rated
 * Hitman is a hitman who kills but he when he has to hit John Delaware, a surprise will await him.
 * Our adventure continues...

Kingdom Hearts

 * kingdom hearts III the keyblade war - T rated
 * new journey new friends and the terrible fight for


 * Broken: The Melodious Diviner - M rated.
 * Demyx is devastated and he misses Saix more than anything. It also doesn't help that he feels much stranger than usual. The explanation? Demyx is pregnant. M-PREG. SAIXDEMYX. OC AS THE BABY. Rated M just in case.
 * Contains shotacon. Not for the faint of heart.

Kirby

 * First Date - M rated (NSFB)
 * Kirby and Tiff's first date goes quite well...quite well indeed. A bit of a lemon drabble.

Left 4 Dead

 * Life Undead - T rated
 * see through the eyes of three friends who have been infected by a new biological virus but as there bodies mutate they are still intelligent they can form words and see normally and they are but they also tried to befriend those they knew before the virus
 * Wind in the Willows - T rated
 * Willow was a female Hunter. When stumbled upon 4 Survivors she doesn't want to harm them, in fact, she feels the need to protect them and learn from them.Who new what it would lead to! T for blood and possible death. RoxNick and EllisXoc

Mega Man

 * Is It Incest If You're a Robot? - Rated M (NSFW, NSFH, NSFB)
 * Classic. Don't read if you aren't old enough. Contains lemon. Rock is in love with Roll. Roll is in love with Rock. Will one embarrassing accident reaveal their true desires? Ch 4 now up!.
 * Seeing as how most of the fic is just Mega Man and Roll screwing, this should be rated "XXX".


 * What are you going to do? - Rated M (NSFW, NSFB)
 * Alia is attacked by Iris In her own home! This summary sucks but, I think its a pretty good fic. Gets pretty intense. Please R&R.
 * This badfic contains strongly implied molestation.


 * Down a Darkened path - Rated M (NSFB)
 * When X contracts the Repliod version of an STD can anything save his life? Only hints of Yaoi/Shounen-Ai now. More in further chapters. References to X/Alia X/Signas X/Vile X/Lifesaver Rape and more . X/Z later on plz R/R. Chapter 2 up!.
 * In this badfic, Mega Man X is derailed into a bisexual nymphomaniac and contracts an STD despite being an android!


 * Fun in the Allyway - Rated M (NSFW)
 * Lan and Mayl steps out of the bussy streets into a allyway for some "fun" LanXMayl WARNING: Rape Dont like then don't read.


 * A Harpy's Alouette - Rated M (NSFW,NSFH, NSFB)
 * Set IN MMZ3. Harpuia wakes up to a strange noise caused by Alouette, and they must now keep what has happened between them a secret. However, Harpuia must face a battle between his morals and emotions. HarpuiaxAlouette, one-sided ZeroxCiel, LEMONS!


 * Crazy For Zero - Rated T
 * Ciel does the unthinkable, and everything for Zero. Rated T for censored curses and suicide.
 * Ciel turns yandere, and Zero becomes suicidal.


 * Being in love is not easy - Rated T
 * Lan and Megaman are in love. Not with each other! The only problem is,their in love with friends. They face many problems as they come closer to admitting it,and even have to fight for it! Completed!
 * While heeding the pairing, the story itself is stupid and mainly there to bash Dex, who goes from being a ditz with a crush to being completely and utterly insane. This fic is basically die for our ship with a guy who isn't even in the way.


 * What if Mega Man Were more like Astroboy? - Rated K+ (Should be "T")
 * Mega Man with more Atomic Inspiration! Parodies original Mega Man plots and Astroboy anime and Omega Factor! Scene one, Light briefs Rock on new abilities with sexy results!
 * This is probably a trollfic.


 * Zero: Baby Sitting Nightmare - Rated T
 * Discontinued and adopted by Thundercracker417
 * Minis galore!


 * mega man 11: the flail of wily - Rated T
 * mega man battles wily and his 8 master robots as they steal nuclear bombs
 * What is this I don't even


 * From the Real to the Net - Rated T
 * This is about an Evryday girl know as Sora Yuzuki who unfortunatly on he twelveth birtday She and her two friends slapped on theses watches and are now stuck in something wilded beyond their dreams WARRNING: This contains foul language & a bit more


 * If Only.... - Rated K
 * The suicidal lonely death of Tron Bonne... I didnt go really deep with this one... added the purpose of this fanfic, cuz some people have asked me why i wrote this.
 * A suicide fic rated "K".


 * Lan reads some p0rn comics - Rated T
 * horrible crackfic where lan decides to go to break into Dex's house and read his comics. this is also day 1 of crappy oneshot week, titled bad reviewer Monday. this also took 6 minutes to make.

Metal Gear

 * The Colonel's Daughter Part One - Rated M
 * Set In MGS3 Times. Also Crossed Over With WWE :P Hope You Like It! :P Please Read And Review! Please Not Ocelot And Volgin Are NOT Together... It Just Doesnt Have My Characters Name In It Hehe :P x


 * Metal Gear Solid: Fight of Metal Gears - T rated.
 * Jake Snake who is Solid Snakes son has to fight metal gears now becaus Solid Snake is dead

Metroid

 * metroids attac - Rated K+
 * metroids attacing fedraation agen and samus need to have fight of his live!
 * Ostensibly a troll fic, but that doesn't stop it from being 'OH GOD WHAT IS THIS' levels of bad. (Unintentionally?) hilarious in several places too.

Myst

 * The Exiled Queen - Unrated
 * One of my old badfics.

NiGHTS

 * One In A Million And It Was Me - T rated.
 * Hoo boy. That Self-Insert Sue is so obivous it's not funny.

Persona

 * Adachis Adventure - Rated T (Should be M) (NSFW, NSFB)
 * Adachi falls in love with a TV named Mary, and only heartbreak can follow. Warning; this may just annoy you a little with how utterly stupid it is. Oh yeah, it might spoil for you if you haven't finished Persona 4.
 * Yeah, you read that right, they pair the guy with a Television. Even with the way TV's work in Persona 4, that just doesn't work. Also, the entire cast is flanderized into mere caricatures of their former selves and the aforementioned TV has been personified, anthropomorphisized, and made sentient.

Pokemon

 * Gardevoir and me - M rated.
 * This one's just bad in general in my opinion.


 * pikachu unexpected love - Rated M(NSFW, NSFH, NSFB)
 * Ash and pikachu have always been friends but what pikachu has never thought of is what if they could more than friends? A whole new set of feeling surge through pikachu as she has feelings for her trainer that she never felt before.this is just the first


 * PIKACHU'S UNEXPECTED LOVE 2 - Rated M(NSFW, NSFB)
 * What happens after Ash and pikachu's night of romance?Pikachu is pregnant!A chain of events unfold as team rocket comes back with a taste for revenge and how does this teamrocket scientist know Pikachu so well?Read what has been called my best fic to date

Sonic the Hedgehog

 * Unorthodox - Rated M (NSFW)
 * After trying to kill himself, Tails does it with Sonic, Knuckles, and Shadow. Then, he gets pregnant!

Spore

 * Grox and Kisses - Rated T
 * 'I never knew I would be here.With a mate of pure fantasy.And all love and power a monster like me can devour.'-Amy Marks,Empress of the Groxian Empire. Part of TOTT. New chapter is out!

Star Fox

 * New World Order series - M rated
 * New World Order I: A planets Corupption - M rated - When earth is ruled by a world government, a man named Jason tries to resist, so he teleports himself to the Lylat System in search of help. Krystal x Human OC. Read and Review. Rated M for Sexual Content at the end. COMPLETE. Book 2 coming soon. AU
 * Jason is a blatant Marty Stu who romances Krystal while battling his evil twin. Yes, an evil twin, and that's not even getting into what the author did to Fox.
 * New World Order II: Road to Destruction- M rated - The next part of the NWO series. When Jason discovers something from a device that he stole from a research institute, he has to return to Earth only to figure out it is more corrupt than he expected. contains violence, blood, language,sexual content. AU
 * Just as bad as it's successor.
 * New World Order III: Path to Retribution - M rated - Part 3 of the NWO series. Jason and his team have finally escaped to Earth. Now Nathen is after him more powerful than ever. Starfox/Resident Evil X-over. Read and Review. AU
 * It's crappy crossover time, yay! This premise doesn't even begin to make sense because Ada is somehow working with Leon in this story AND is his girlfriend.
 * New World Order IV: Redemption and a New Threat - M rated - The final part to the NWO series. After the birth of Jason's daughter, things were better. Until the first attack. Jason finds out that his brother is still out there. Can he finish the fight? Krystal x Human OC. Rated M for blood and language. AU
 * The incredibly stupid conclusion to this series is about as entertaining as Star Fox Assault.

Super Smash Brothers

 * where the heck is zelda - Rated T
 * yuri involved but cute story ocXoc samusXzelda ocXoc
 * Bad SPaG, a plot which moves so fast it's nigh incomprehensible and POV shifts... so many POV shifts.

Tomb Raider

 * The Many Deaths of Ms. Croft - M rated
 * An exploration of the thing Lara does more often than anything else--die.

Touhou

 * Oriental Transience of Scarlet Waning Moon - T rated
 * Yukari has decided to remove Gensokyo permanently from reality. Her only opponent is the mysterious youkai, Marylin Satangod
 * Horrible butchery of the English language, horrible butchery of the Japanese language, massive sue, minis everywhere, everyone horribly out of character, beige prose, and obviously contradictory statements in the same sentence as each one.

Warcraft/World of Warcraft

 * Knight of Argus - rated K+.
 * the biography of a draeni death knight. please send me reviews so i can improve future chapters and stories
 * Note: The author's grasp on lore, draenei terminology (the character is clearly a hunter, but is referred to as a "vindicator," which is the paladin title), and spelling are tenuous. Plus, the protagonist has been everywhere and done everything...and his name is "Drayknight.")

Magic: The Gathering

 * Protect of Illusion - Rated T
 * Lora lives on earth with no parents, where everything is boring or annoying. A small trip away from her group brings Lora face-to-face with a Blood Tracker and the experience suddenly drops her in another world! -Friend's story, not mine.-

Warhammer 40,000

 * Ciaphas Cain in deep - Rated well above NC-17.
 * The summary largely speaks for itself, being largely comprised of a laundry list of sex acts. Pointless, plotless porn that would be hilarious if it wasn't so badly written. Contains none of the humor or character of the original novels. NSFW, NSFB

Real Person Fic

 * A Romantically Relevant Situation - NSFW
 * Note: An Olympic athlete and her horse. Pass the Suebuprofen.


 * Bieber Bieber Bieber - NSFB
 * Justin Bieber getting spanked by his mother. With a leather belt. And then a hairbrush. And Selena Gomez thinks it's cute.


 * Room Service - M Rated - NSFW
 * Elijah is easily bored... can Orlando entertain him?


 * Like it or not, part 1 and part 2 - NSFW
 * Jamie Hewlett and Damon Albarn have clumsily-written sex and are unsurprised to have cartoon characters burst in on them.