No, Marty Stu, We Expect You to Die

"No, Marty Stu, We Expect You to Die" is a mission by Agents Stormsong, Skyfire, Naomi and Drake into the Naruto Legendary Badfic For Your Eyes Only.

Description
It takes place in an AU which resembles 21st-century Real World Japan except, for reasons which presumably make sense to the author, all the student characters have been transformed into hermaphroditic toddler-like beings with animal ears and tails. Despite the fact that they still have human intelligence, speak human languages, and are permitted to own property and money, they are the "pets" of the adult characters, and have no rights over their own living conditions or breeding cycles. The author completely fails to notice anything remotely creepy about this. Also, even though they're supposed to be hermaphrodites, and their human mono-gendered selves are not like this at all, they fulfill every single offensive gender stereotype possible to the extent that one wonders if the author was using a checklist. Every single one of the characters, "pets" and humans alike, are so OOC, they could not see their normal selves with the Hubble telescope, and the author portrays rape turning to Twu Wuv in a skin-crawlingly off-hand manner.

Specifically, Uzumaki Naruto, far from being the troublemaking yet ambitious young ninja we know and love, is transformed into a miniature cat-person who is supposed to be sixteen but behaves like a bad cartoon's depiction of a two-year-old girl, complete with nauseating babytalk. "He" (he's a hermaphrodite who acts like the worst stereotype of a cutesy little girl imaginable, but the author continues to use male pronouns for him) goes into heat, and his "owner" Iruka takes him to the Icha Icha Love Love Pet Breeding Agency, where he is dumped in a room with Sasuke, also a cat-person and now the pet of Kakashi, who forcibly mates with him. Naruto, of course, enjoys this.

Later on, Sakura, who has become a rabbit-person and a slut who would put Luxury to shame (according to the author, though she only actually even tries to have sex with one character and doesn't succeed), offers to mate with Sasuke when Naruto is not around. In return, he rips her to shreds, and the humans care more about the mess than the fact that a sapient being has died.

Oh, and did we mention that with the hermaphroditic pets, the uterus is connected to the rectum and only ukes grow a vagina later on?

Or that, according to extrinsic evidence, the concept for this fic doesn't even belong to the author, but was stolen from an eroge visual novel entitled Wanko to Kurasō, which he didn't credit?

Demise
The two main Stus, Naruto and Sasuke, were captured and taken to the Official Fanfiction University of Naruto for public execution, report pending.

Most of the pets and human character replacements were trapped in the breeding centre, which was crushed by the Kyuubi. With no Sues or Stus to sustain it, the AU self-destructed only a few seconds later.

The Sakura-based rabbit and Hinata-based mouse have been rescued, renamed "Cheri" and "Luna" respectively, and adopted by Nurse Valerie Christaki. The tadpole and raccoon babies born from the union of Gaara and Lee's replacements (new names pending revelation) have been adopted in turn by Cheri and Luna, and starting December 2007, Luna was pregnant with Naruto and Sasuke's kitten. All are medicated to prevent further Sue behaviour, and are being trained to think like independent beings rather than pets. The kitten has been named Uzumaki Pompom.

Links

 * The Badfic: For Your Eyes Only, archived on Wayback Machine. Keep some Bleeprin handy.