Ring Child

"Ring Child" is a crossover mission taken by Agents Ilraen, Supernumerary, Suicide, and Diocletian. It is a crossover between the spin-offs Response Center 999 and Response Center 2771a.

Character History
Archir starts out as seventeen-year-old Harry Potter, but as soon as he bamfs into Middle-earth, he shrinks down into the form of a three-year-old and goes by Archir for the rest of the fic. Gandalf insists that Frodo take him along on the Quest, despite the fact that he is three and never actually does anything useful, "Istari child" or not. In fact, he mostly sleeps. He also sits in the lap of just about every strong character in the canon while they coo over how cute and innocent and precious he is. Aragorn in particular he turns into a fussy mother hen rather than a stern and proud warrior.

In addition to sapping the vitality of the canon characters and creating a series of suspiciously pedophilic moments, messing up the timeline and the geography, and creating such artifacts as the record of Mazarbul chiseled into a wall (swiftly dubbed the Wall of Mazarbaaargh by the agents, who couldn't resist the Monty Python joke), he also does the utmost unthinkable: he puts on the One Ring, and as if that weren't taboo enough, it has absolutely no effect.

Charges
As read by Diocletian:


 * "You are charged," the female voice continued, "with usurping the role of a canon character, to wit, Harry Potter; with replacing said canon character via a combination of infantilization, character corruption, and saccharinity; with perpetrating distortions of space, to wit, having Gandalf exist in two places at once; with perpetrating distortions of time, to wit, everything ... Committing no less than forty-seven counts of aggravated creepification, making everybody fawn over you . . . um . . . giving the people in the Prancing Pony spots, stopping to work off the damages of the Black Riders' attack despite it being the stupidest possible thing to do at that moment, putting the safety of yourself over the safety of the frickin' Quest of the Ring, with controlling and degrading moo shu pork with hot curry—no, wait, hang on a sec . . . "

As continued by Nume:


 * "Addendum: you are further charged with making a fuss over common names, nonsensical naming, asynchronous anatomy, unnatural illumination, mangling the canonical timeline, horribly misquoting passages from the book despite clearly having a full knowledge of it, various geographical aberrations, multiple counts of bizarre descriptions, malapropisms, ridiculous nicknames, and other proofs of having a very weak grip on the English language indeed; and let's not leave out setting yourself up as Eru by being able to put on the One Ring with absolutely no effect whatsoever, apart, of course, from completely shattering the canon.


 * "As if that weren't enough, you also went on to join the Fellowship of the Ring, mount the Fellowship on horses—which is completely asinine since you knew full well they'd only lose them at Moria anyway—to cause the existence of a flannel Fëanor, open the Doors of Durin, cause Frodo to sprout a 'fro, cause unspeakable things to happen in Moria, turn yourself undead, woobify Haldir, and cause my normally polite and level-headed partner to turn into a raving maniac."

Character Death
After being charged, Archir was compelled to reveal his true form:


 * The fake childlike form peeled away, and a mass of darkness came boiling out, forming in midair into a strange hunched shape with protruding teeth and a shadowy, skeletal body. Glowing ice-blue eyes surveyed the horrified agents as it landed again in the midst of the clearing, and it bared its teeth in a mirthless grin.

Diocletian dubbed it fic incubus, or ficubus, a more solid relative of the Sue-wraith with a glitter level Nume thought must be over seven hundred. It would have killed the unarmed agents, but Ilraen rallied in time to revert to his Andalite form and slice it through with his tail-blade.

Links

 * The Badfic
 * The Mission