Dubious Lube

It is the curse of the Bad Slasher to be confronted on a regular basis by the use of lubricants that defy common sense, logic and sanity. While some dubious lubes are merely ineffective, others, such as aloe vera, may necessitate emergency first aid once the malign influence of the Author-Wraith has been exorcised.

Instances of dubious lube or lack of it (WARNING: squickiness lurks below):


 * Saliva; probably the most common and least likely to actually work although still better than the 'ah well, it'll be fine!' approach to teh gaysex;


 * Blood; amongst the more disturbing, particularly when combined with the above approach, as in 'ah well, it'll be fine, there'll be blood in a few minutes';


 * 'They don't need lube, they're Elves!' is just odd;


 * Tequila is amongst possibly the most harmful. And least likely to work, given mucous membranes absorbing alcohol ... look, it just doesn't work, and may end in chemical burns and alcohol poisoning, okay?;


 * Not a lube as such, but someone on Fanficrants claimed to have seen a fic involving a hot wax enema. Anyone who cannot see why this is a bad idea deserves to be made to test it;


 * Many Elves apparently just randomly carry around in their 'belt purses' a bottle of 'light, scented oil' for apparently no reason, but which comes in very handy when they randomly have it off. Because as we know, Elves just can't keep it in their pants. In this case the dubiousness comes from the magical convenience of finding the lube, rather than the substance itself;

Many of these have not been verified, but nobody dares to go looking to find out if they're true.
 * Rumours from Livejournal's Fanficrants and Weepingcock communities and the GodAwful FanFiction Board tell of fics featuring, among other things:
 * coffee (er, gritty? Hot? Acidic? Sound like something you want up your butt?);
 * chocolate products that were designed to be eaten rather than placed in other orifices (yes, they'd probably melt while up there. But even so, chocolate can be gritty, and chocolate doesn't melt that fast at body temperature, and the lumps would surely be uncomfortable);
 * melted chocolate (hot, gritty, sticky... what's worse is many fics that use chocolate in this way then have one or both protagonists CONSUME it afterwards.);
 * shampoo (would you put it in your mouth? No! Would you put it up your nose? No! Then don't stick it up your arse! A mucous membrane is a mucous membrane!);
 * sunblock (as above);
 * seawater (just plain wouldn't work, plus adding an abrasive (sand) to the mix is no kind of fun the PPC want to be involved in);
 * peanut butter (sticky, probably too stiff to work, and let us not consider the 'crunchy' variety...);
 * vegetable soup (er, lumpy?);
 * molten metal (HOT! PAINFUL! Vapourising the body parts in question is not a solution!);
 * bamboo shoots (not sap, actual shoots, which should by rights be solid);
 * molten wax (HOT!);
 * washing up liquid (see 'shampoo', above);
 * honey (ew, sticky);
 * egg white (yes, technically it will work, but who wants to wait around while their lover separates an egg?);
 * molten cheese (this resolidifies very quickly, think about when you leave a pizza sitting too long);
 * mango pulp (sticky and acidic, ow);
 * fresh urine (yes, you read that one right);
 * hydrochloric acid (Argh!);
 * glue (terrifyingly enough this has now been mentioned on fanficrants twice, we can only hope they were both referring to the same fic);
 * latex-based wall paint (gooey and sticky when wet, we don't even want to think about what happens when it dries, and potentially toxic);
 * half-eaten cherry-flavoured lollipop (disgusting AND ironic!);
 * alcohol gel (used by two characters who probably would know better);
 * ketchup;
 * barbecue sauce (now really...chili products? There?!);
 * sand (not even going there)