Department of Intelligence/Reports/Crashed Here

This is a Department of Intelligence Report for the story Crashed Here.

You know what I'm glad about? I'm really, really glad we have disguise generators. It feels extremely strange to be trapped in this clumsy bipedal form, but given the reaction people usually have to seeing me, it's quite nice not to be in danger of having a head chopped off.

This particular story is a nightmare. Not because it's particularly bad, compared to some, but because of the POV changes. Checking my laptop - which I can use in this human form! - I see four changes in the first chapter alone. Not a good sign.

I can't really observe much in this chapter, so I guess I'd better introduce myself. Agent Kyaris, PPC Department of Intelligence. You can't tell from this body - it's modelled on a goddess from my homeland, name of Hestia - but I'm a hydra. Yes, that's right, the monster with lots of heads that keep growing back. Only I'm smaller than most, and far smarter. And haven't lost too many heads.

No, I'm not a Mini-anything. Don't even think it.

I watch as the Mary-Sue of this story - who hasn't really been introduced, she's labelled as "me" for the sake of POV shifts, and I fear for the Agent who accidentally comes into this story without a crash dummy - kicks a random Man In Black (who comes out looking like a cross between Agent J of the MIB and Agent Jay Thorntree of the PPC, very strange) and then runs around at random. Or that's what it looks like to me. Oh, and she has a sonic screwdriver. This doesn't look promising.

Chapter two is more of the same. Agent Jay-J reverts to form as Severus Snape, and apparently knocks Jack Harkness unconscious. Because Sevvy is a trained hand-to-hand fighter now? So then Snape starts throwing spells around like a well-trained wizard.

''“Let me go.” I yelled dangerously. “Why should I?” The man said. I grabbed my sonic screwdriver and pointed it at him.''

I laugh aloud, and fortunately no one hears me. I can hear the dodgy punctuation, I don't even need to look at my laptop. But it's the next bit that completely cracks me up. Miss Sue - whatever her name is - points her sonic screwdriver at her legs and removes a spell that was cast on them!

I've seen enough, and besides, I'm starting to attract attention. Pulling out my Remote Activator and wishing my human form a wistful goodbye, I return to HQ to file my report.

PPC Intelligence Report

Fic: Crashed Here (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4521091/1/Crashed_Here)

Description: Various persons from the Doctor Who continuum are transplanted by what seems to be a literal plothole into the grounds of Hogwarts. Their first encounter is with Severus Snape, and also a Mary-Sue who refuses to name herself until chapter three. It transpires that Dumbledore has called them there to help prevent a war, or something like that.

Plot Holes: The sheer randomness of the crossover. Various characters have too much or too little knowledge. Also, POV shifts.

Problem Passages:

1) “You know you look sexy in that suit. I remember that you were wearing this suit when I asked you out for the first time.” I said. This is Captain Harkness speaking, apparently. Jack would never use phrases like "asked you out". This sort of problem pervades all the characters in the fic.

2) I slowly started to walk backwards. I tried to make it to the shadows. I went to put my sonic screwdriver away when I ran into someone. I whipped around and a guy in all black grabbed me. I kicked and ended up dropping my sonic screwdriver. The man put a hand over my mouth and I bit down hard on it. You get the idea. The whole story consists of short sentences explaining the action without emotionally involving the reader. We get no indication of whether the 'Sue is angry, upset, happy, whatever.

3) “Well this one time I came across this wonderful planet full of mystical creature. It was amazing. Until a Unicorn went haywire and killed most of the leprechauns. I can sadly say that I’ve been to more Leprechaun funerals then anyone human or Time Lord.” “A Unicorn? Now that’s amazing. Such beautiful creatures. Who knew?” The Doctor Aside from the obviously stilted dialogue, and the fact that she didn't even give the Doctor a verb at the end, we see here that the fic doesn't take Classic Who into account. The Doctor has met a unicorn - it nearly killed him. If anyone would know how deadly they can be, it would be him.

OC: Alana Laces, or "me".

Type: Mary-Sue. Time Lord, so may be hard to kill. She's also an offence against canon by her very existence.

Offenses Against Canon: Horrible POV shifts, random crossover, all characters OOC, rules of grammar ignored, creation of a new Time Lord. Also, large portions of the story consist of characters telling each other about their past adventures, many of which were televised or written about in their respective series'.

Additional Comments: Any Agent assigned to this fic should be warned about the POV shifts. They might also need to know about the level of OOC behaviour - pretty much any of the characters could well be character replacements instead. And since I know none of you lot Upstairs ever read this section, I can also say that ''Remainder of comments deleted. Agent Kyaris, I read'' everything. Signed, The Sub Rosa.