Dubious Lube

It is the curse of the Bad Slasher to be confronted on a regular basis by the use of lubricants that defy common sense, Logic and sanity. While some dubious lubes are merely ineffective, others, such as aloe vera, may necessitate emergency first aid once the malign influence of the Author-wraith has been exorcised. All instances of dubious lube on this page have either been sighted by PPC agents or reported on Livejournal's Fanficrants and Weepingcock communities and/or the GodAwful FanFiction Board. You are hereby warned that squickiness lies below.

= Why Is This Lube Dubious? =

It Is Not, Actually, A Lubricant
Lubricants can be dubious for several different reasons. The most important reason for a lubricant to be deemed dubious is that it would not, in fact, function (or function efficiently for the speed at which badslash sex usually occurs) as a lubricant.


 * Saliva; probably the most common and least likely to actually work although still better than the 'ah well, it'll be fine!' approach to teh gaysex (yes, it *helps*. But it isn't a miraculous biological WD40 - to make it work you need TIME AND PATIENCE);
 * Blood; amongst the more disturbing, particularly when combined with the above approach, as in 'ah well, it'll be fine, there'll be blood in a few minutes' (if things are getting to the stage where they're bleeding, it's probably going to hurt too much to have sex. Exceptions can be made for blood/pain kink, however it should be noted that blood/pain kink itself can be a charge depending on continuum);
 * 'They don't need lube, they're Elves!' is just odd (despite anime-fangirl-turned-LOTR-fangirl fanon, there is NO SUCH THING as a magical self-lubricating arse, EVEN if it's an Elven arse);
 * seawater (just plain wouldn't work, plus adding an abrasive (sand) to the mix is no kind of fun the PPC want to be involved in);
 * fresh urine (yes, you read that one right);

Most (but not all) substances deemed dubious fall into this category. Other categories of what those who use the charge frequently abbreviate to 'dubelube' are:

DEM Dubelube
Substances that, while effective lubricants, are too time-consuming or hard to find to make suitable heat-of-the-moment lubrication choices;


 * Egg white (yes, technically it will work, but who wants to wait around while their lover separates an egg?);


 * And what about the "light, scented oil" that Elves just seem to randomly carry around with them for no apparent reason? (It's not like they need to moisturise, so why would they carry it?)

Biohazard Dubelube
Substances that would cause unpleasant reactions/sensations when in contact with mucous membranes;


 * Tequila; amongst possibly the most harmful. (And least likely to work, given mucous membranes absorbing alcohol ... look, it just doesn't work, and may end in chemical burns and alcohol poisoning, okay?);
 * A hot wax enema. (Found on fanficrants. Anyone who cannot see why this is a bad idea deserves to be made to test it);
 * coffee (er, gritty? Hot? Acidic? Sound like something you want up your butt?);
 * shampoo (would you put it in your mouth? No! Would you put it up your nose? No! Then don't stick it up your arse! A mucous membrane is a mucous membrane!);
 * sunblock (as above);
 * molten metal (HOT! PAINFUL! Vapourising the body parts in question is not a solution!);
 * washing up liquid (see 'shampoo', above);
 * hydrochloric acid (Argh!);
 * glue (terrifyingly enough this has now been mentioned on fanficrants twice, we can only hope they were both referring to the same fic);
 * alcohol gel (used by two characters who probably would know better);
 * ketchup (do people not know the danger of putting acids and sugars onto unkeratinised epithelial cells?!);
 * barbecue sauce (now really...chili products? There?!);
 * gravy (hot, sticky when cold, potentially lump);
 * lighter fluid (OW!);

Discomfort Dubelube
Substances that are gritty or lumpy;


 * vegetable soup (er, lumpy and HOT?);
 * sand (not even going there);
 * bat guano (apart from where it's come from, bat guano is caustic to the point that naturalists wear biohazard suits merely to enter a bat-populated cave, and many many many biting and stinging minibeasts of various types live in it).

Gluey Dubelube
Substances that are sticky and/or likely to solidify mid-coitus;


 * melted chocolate (hot, gritty, sticky... what's worse is many fics that use chocolate in this way then have one or both protagonists CONSUME it afterwards.);
 * honey (ew, sticky);
 * molten cheese (this resolidifies very quickly, think about when you leave a pizza sitting too long);
 * latex-based wall paint (gooey and sticky when wet, we don't even want to think about what happens when it dries, and potentially toxic);

Solid Dubelube
Substances that are not even liquid.


 * chocolate products that were designed to be eaten rather than placed in other orifices (yes, they'd probably melt while up there. But even so, chocolate can be gritty, and chocolate doesn't melt that fast at body temperature, and the lumps would surely be uncomfortable);
 * peanut butter (sticky, probably too stiff to work, and let us not consider the 'crunchy' variety...);
 * bamboo shoots (not sap, actual shoots, which should by rights be solid);
 * mango pulp (sticky and acidic, ow);
 * half-eaten cherry-flavoured lollipop (disgusting AND ironic!);

Many of these have not been verified, but nobody dares to go looking to find out if they're true.

Other
Lube choices can also be charged as being dubious if it's extremely unlikely that the canon character in question would be carrying them around. Even if they work. For instance, KY Jelly in Pern is dubious.

''NOTE: For the sake of completeness, let it be noted that lubricant-less mansex can occur with only limited discomfort. However. It takes a lot of time and patience, both things that are in extremely short supply in badslash. We call it dubious for this reason.''