TIANATDATPPC Part XXIV

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Part XXIV of the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at the PPC List, comprising entries 1621-1742.

Cross-posted from the Board on January 31, 2013.

1621. No matter how tempting, I will not beat Prince Blueblood up.

1622. I will not send Sir David Attenborough to the Mushroom Kingdom.

1623. I will not ask Rainbow Dash why she doesn't dress in style.

- Nor will I ask Applejack how silly she can be.

- Nor will I ask Bon Bon to bake some cookies.

- If I ask Scootaloo to show us games to play, I will not be surprised when I get deafened by a triple shout of "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS" + strGameName + "PLAYERS! YAY!" or something along those lines.

1624. I will not spam Fluttershy with "Pattycakes" links.

- If I do, I will be held responsible for her breakdown.

1625. I will not ask Luke Skywalker if he's met a human-sized vrelt-like creature named Mickey yet.

1626. I will not attempt to duplicate Movie!Legolas' skateboard-down-the-stairs trick.

- If I do, I will not be surprised to wake up in Medical or the hereafter.

1627. On a related note, I will use remote activators for getting out of Bane's prison. Not the Dashi-dashi-basara-basara route.

1628. I will not provoke the radioactive spider from Spider-Man.

- I am not as sane as Peter Parker.

1629. I will not, in any way, shape or form, attempt to remove the Marvel Universe Tessaract and convince the characters of Madeline L'Engle's Time Quartet, notably those who were once stars, to attempt to use it.

1630. Under no circumstances am I allowed to assassinate a Sue by "assimilation by swarm/hive mind/collective." Do you want sparkle-lings or urple Borgs? I didn't think so.

1631. PPC personnel are reminded that while it is acceptable to visit different worlds when on leave, it is not permissible to, say, hide in a Minecraft world to avoid missions.

- Living in the Nether is a waste of time.

1632. Luring creepers into hallways is a terrible thing to do.

- The same goes for spider jockeys.

- And cave spiders.

- The Ender Dragon is right out.

1633. Starting a staring contest with an Enderman is a stupid thing to do.

1634. I am not allowed to swing my sword, sword in HQ.

- If someone mentions mentions a safety torch again...

1635. Griefing is not allowed in Minecraft servers, so I shall not rig doorways with falling anvils and pressure plate–activated bottomless pits in HQ.

- Not even for seeing my partner's reaction.

- Especially since one does not respawn in HQ.

1636. Splash potions are not to be used in a water fight.

- Come to think of it, having the time and resources to build a brewing stand means that you're not doing your job.

1637. Playing Minecraft at a Sorting Room terminal is not "scanning the world for inconsistencies."

1638. I will not call Rainbow Dash an egghead.

1639. I will not attempt to put a pink, bedazzled collar on Blackstar.

- Or Tigerstar.

- Or any cat belonging to one of the Clans or the Dark Forest.

1640. I will not stick Varian Wrynn and Garrosh Hellscream in the same anger management class together.

- Or in the same zone/country/etc.

- In fact, I will not put them on the same continent together unless canon decrees otherwise.

1641. I will not use Illidan Stormrage's horns as coat racks.

- If I do, I will not be surprised when I die a horrible death.

- I will not encourage Maiev Shadowsong to do anything similar the next time she helps a raid group bring Illidan down.

1642. I will not offer to braid Kael'thas Sunstrider's hair for him.

- Or give him a mani-pedi.

- The same goes for any exceptionally powerful, male blood elf.

1643. I will not shriek "Kel'Thuzad in a Speedo" while in HQ or surrounded by other agents.

- I will not shriek "[ANYONE] in a Speedo" while in HQ or surrounded by other agents.

- ESPECIALLY when the character in the Speedo is a hated villain from the home continuum of one or more of the agents likely to hear me.

1644. I will not even mention the word "mankini" unless I have absolutely no other choice.

1645. I will not release a Patropolis-sized Alchemical in HQ with a Black Ops construct.

- That sh*t's unsanitary to begin with.

1646. I will not attempt to misuse Blastia of any form in Rita Mordio's presence.

1647. I will not attempt to recruit Darth Sidious to the PPC.

- Even if he would be a damn good assassin.

1648. I must not lock Cyba Zero, Sigma One and Phi Six in a room with a single pretty suit of armor.

- They WILL fight over it.

1649. I will not take advantage of Agent Cyba Zero's fascination with the color red.

- Ditto Sigma One with electric blue, and Phi Six with royal purple.

- If I do, it is my own fault if the one in question follows me all around HQ.

- It is also my own fault if the other two take revenge on behalf of the third.

1650. I will not refer to Cyba, Sigma and Phi as the "Collective of Three."

- Not even behind their backs.

- When they find out, they WILL scream at me.

1651. I will not try to sneak up on Agent Eagrus Khan.

- He is paranoid enough as it is.

- Neither will I try to find out what he looks like under his helmet.

- I will especially not attempt to convince him there is an invasion of any kind.

- (Except in the event of an actual invasion.)

1652. I will not encourage the Ice King to call his crown "my precious."

1653. I will not introduce Finn the Human to Lady Cassandra O'Brien.

1654. I will not introduce Finn the Human to America.

- If I do, then I am responsible for cleaning up the resulting mess, whatever it may be.

1655. I will not continuously sing "In the Jungle" whenever Loke from Fairy Tail is in the room.

1656. If I drag Death the Kid into an MST, I will resist the urge to shave one side of my head.

- I will also resist the urge to drag Edward Elric into the same MST.

- Or really anyone who's missing limbs on one side but not the other.

1657. I will no lock "Flipped-out" Flippy in a room with Sober!Gamzee.

- Or any Bloodwrathing Redwall characters.

- Or Russia.

- Or Aang while in the Avatar State.

- Or River Tam.

- Or the Hulk.

- Or any combination of all of the above.

- If I do so, my fellow agents and/or superiors reserve the right to throw me in with them.

1658. I will not introduce Kyo Sohma to Nepeta Leijon. Just. Just no.

1659. The Lich from Adventure Time and Lord Xykon must never meet. Ever.

- Not even in fun.

1660. I am not Sherlock Holmes's soulmate.

- It's really easy to choke on Agent Eledhwen Elerossiel's red string of fate.

- No seriously. I think she's turning it into a Punjab lasso.

1661. I will not give the Men in Black characters Bleepolate milk.

1662. I will not attempt an all-HQ rendition of "Gangnam Style."

- Nor will I do it for my department.

- Lux will probably have too much fun with the "EYYYY SEXY LADY" part.

1663. I am not allowed to create shipping walls.

- Or shipping charts.

- That's Agent Kitty Smith's division, anyway.

1664. I am not allowed to create betting pools for my favorite ships.

- This extends to agents and Flowers and just about anything sentient in HQ that can be shipped together.

1665. The victim could not have done it in PPC Cluedo.

1666. I will not pit Consulting Sue Slayer!Sherlock against Agent Eledhwen in a game of PPC Cluedo.

- No, not even if the resulting death would be really funny.

1667. I will not make reservations at the Shizuka in the CSS-verse for "Mary Sue, party of two, please!".

- Nor will I show up dressed as a Sue.

1668. I will not attempt to hire Harry Dresden to entertain at an all HQ party.

- No really, it even says no parties.

- Especially not if there will be multiple vampires at said party. There are only so many fire extinguishers in HQ.

1669. My RC's door is not to be used as any of the following:

- A drawbridge.

- A surfboard.

- Anything I can think of that involves a wood chipper, glitter, or high explosives.

1670. I am to stop attempting to get characters together from across canons or dimensions by sending them to Medical or FicPsych at the same time.

- Nor am I to time my "temporary insanity" visits to either of the following to coincide with those of my favorite canons.

1671. No matter how tempting it may appear in its current guise, trying to take a bite out of the DORKS will result in chipped teeth.

1672. I am not to taunt the agents hailing from the Old Kingdom by assuming a look of fear, pointing behind their backs, and yelling "Yrael!"

- For that matter, I should treat all free magic entities as I treat eldritch abominations from all other continua: with the utmost respect and avoidance.

1673. I will not force Ramandu's daughter and Yvaine to sing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star."

1674. I will not dance around naked upwind from Tris (Circle of Magic).

- Nor will I ask Luxury to do so.

1675. I will not introduce Briar to a bloodoak.

- He'd just get it to eat me instead.

1676. It is inadvisable to eat a Mary Sue's heart.

1677. I am not allowed to steal the Royal Ruby/Power of Stormhold.

- Especially not if I feed it to a goose.

1678. I am not allowed to trade anything for kisses.

- Especially within earshot of Luxury.

1679. Contrary to my belief, newbies do not have to spend any amount of time in the serwoods.

- Mary Sues, however, are perfectly welcome to.

- It's actually encouraged that they, um, spend the night there.

1680. Despite her blatant meddling in the works of Austen, Amanda Price is part of a canon and while that canon is not and should never be confused with Austen canon, it is still a canon which must be protected.

- I am therefore forbidden from slaying Amanda Price as a time-travelling, Darcy-stealing Anti-Sue.

1681. Lux should never meet Lydia Bennet from The Lizzie Bennet Diaries.

- The collective flirtation and unsubtle sexuality could probably repopulate all of Japan.

1682. Lux should never meet Mr. Wickham from Pride and Prejudice, either.

- It would not end well.

1683. Lux should especially not be introduced to Captain Jack Harkness from Torchwood.

- Placing bets on who would get bored first is also banned.

1684. I am not allowed to pilot an AT-AT outside of the Star Wars continuum, even if the Mary Sue deserves it.

- The same goes for Imperator Titans.

- It's probably safe to say that I'm not allowed to pilot any giant mecha, period.

1685. I will not ask Technician Caroline for cake.

- I will not release birds into Technician Caroline's lab.

1686. Agent Corolla and Agent Amara are not interested in holding a cooking show about the joys of Sue-flesh.

1687. The following musical numbers have been banned:

- The Birds of Prey song.

1688. I will not suggest that Agent Lana's canon means that she should constantly wear an inordinate number of gears and a corset.

- I will not call Agent Lana a "steampunk ninja."

- I may call her a Gaslamp Fantasy Ninja.

1689. In Nanoha, there are twenty-one Jewel Seeds. Despite this, I will not recite the Monty Python sketch to anyone other than a Sue.

- Uncanonical Jewel Seeds should be brought to DoSAT, not used as wish-fulfillment or to create a zombie plague.

- Zombie plagues are only acceptable on Halloween with approval from your department head.

1690. I will not tell newbies that Agent Riaa'lzhor is a Sue because of her name.

- I will not give Agent Riaa'lzhor a variety of biogolems to see how many she can shapeshift into at one time, no matter how cool I think a drider/dragon/catgirlferal would be.

1691. Agent Cepha is not interested in tentacle hentai.

- Agent Amara Coris is likewise uninterested in tentacle hentai, and insinuating that either of them are will result in an immediate trip to Medical and a long lecture on what "underage" means.

1692. I will not call Agent Narav a "son of a bitch" as a pun. It's not that funny.

1693. I will not schedule a family reunion for Diva'ratrika.

1694. Faen'arae's heterochromia is not a sign of Sue-ishness.

1695. I will not let Kiel'ndia Vel'Vloz'ress into HQ.

1696. I will not allow Kiel, Pinkie Pie, and Deadpool to meet.

1697. I will not bring Fame'nidea to hold a rock concert in HQ.

1698. The Sunflower Official is not "Sunflower Val'Mary Sues." Agent Riaa'lzhor only calls him that because of a translation issue.

- If you do call him that, it is expected that you be able to explain the Val naming scheme.

1699. I will not attempt to reconcile the PPC's plotholes with the plotholes of the Channel Awesome 'verse.

1700. The heterochromia of the Belkan Saint Kings, the Shutran Hegemon, and their respective descendants is NOT a sign of Sue-ness.

1701. I will not show Olivie Segbrecht's robot arm to Winry Rockbell.

1702. Despite their similar tastes in food, Agents Corolla and Amara Coris aren't to be suggested holding a cooking show about Sue-flesh recipes.

- Mainly because Corolla would actually like the idea, and drag an extremely unwilling Amara with her.

- We don't want to know what happens when a creature born from despair falls into despair herself, thank you.

1703. Amara Coris is not Homura. Stop saying "Homuhomu" near her.

- Teasing her about Madoka is right out. She doesn't feel anything for her, right, but we don't want to risk an angry Witch in HQ.

1704. Madoka would like to remind PPC agents that she doesn't approve the recent practice of swearing death to Sues in her name. She is a peaceful and merciful goddess of hope.

1705. Agent Amara Coris' Grief Seed is an important magical artifact. Agents who try to steal it to sell as a "Completely Canon-Accurate Collectible Grief Seed" will be transferred to the department with the biggest paperwork backlog.

1706. I am not allowed to use the "flawless logic" of "hammer-wielding superhero -> Captain Hammer -> Nathan Fillion -> Mal Reynolds" to explain why Thor needs to be wearing a brown coat while having space smuggling adventures.

1707. I am not allowed to introduce characters from the Dr. Horrible canon to anyone in the Avengers-verse.

1708. I will not refer to Trekverse agents as being from Star Wars.

- Or vice versa. Both continua have some deadly weapons, you know.

1709. It is fine to debate Star Wars versus Star Trek. It is not acceptable, however, to do so with phasers and lightsabers.

- Or any other canonical weapons.

- Or non-canonical, for that matter.

1710. I will not kidnap Captain Kirk and Captain Picard and force them to fight to the death.

- They'll probably refuse anyway.

- Kidnapping Captain Janeway to referee is also not allowed.

1711. I will not introduce Lt. Commander Data to Marvin the Paranoid Android.

- Or C-3P0.

1712. I will not introduce Sheldon Cooper to Spock.

- Puddles of fanboy are difficult to clean up.

1713. I will not feed the tribbles.

1714. Yes, Doctor Fitzgerald bears a striking resemblance to the Emergency Medical Hologram from Star Trek: Voyager. No, I will not say "Deactivate EMH" if he starts to annoy me.

1715. I will not kill Wesley Crusher.

- Or any other Canon Sue or Stu.

1716. Blowing up ships to kill Sues is probably overkill.

1717. I will not recruit Sherlock for the PPC.

- Even if he wants to be recruited so he can do experiments on Sues.

1718. I will not talk in Yoda-speak for long periods of time.

- Drive other agents insane, it will.

1719. I will not talk in Shatner-speak for long periods of time.

- It will, take me... forever to, get to the point, because of all the, random, pauses.

1720. I will not arrange a meeting between the Borg and the Empire to see who has best geometrically-shaped space-ships.

- The same goes for the Goa'uld.

- All three is right out.

1721. I will not introduce Species 8472 to the Farscape Leviathans.

- It would not be pretty.

1722. I will not try to use the Proto-Norse teleporters in Tomb Raider: Underworld as Stargates.

- They might look a bit like Stargates, but they most certainly are not.

- Undead yetis are not something I want to end up visiting the home of.

1723. I will not give the Tomb Raider: Legend Excalibur to King Arthur of Arthurian Legend.

- The same goes for King Arthur of BBC's Merlin.

1724. It is highly inadvisable to let King Arthur from Monty Python and the Holy Grail meet King Arthur from Arthurian Legend or BBC Merlin.

1725. It is also highly inadvisable to send other Arthurs to the Frenchmen from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. We may end up in a Camelot-France war.

1726. I will not give a non-Python Arthur the Holy Hand Grenade.

- Or let him near the Vorpal Beast of Caerbannog.

1727. I will also not take the Holy Hand Grenade for myself.

1728. I will not let Lux anywhere within a five-league radius of Castle Anthrax.

- Or anywhere near Sir Galahad the Chaste, for he will be Unchaste after meeting her.

1729. I shall count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number I shall count, and the number of the counting shall be three.

- I shall not count to four, nor to two, excepting that I then proceed to three.

- Five is right out.

1730. I shall not say the Funniest Joke in the World within earshot of anyone.

- Especially German-speaking agents.

1731. I shall not recreate the Dead Parrot Sketch with Hedwig in Eeylops Owl Emporium; that's just bad taste.

1732. I shall not pester people to tell me what happened to Arnold the Pygmy Puff.

- Even if I really want to know.

- Although if Luxury has anything to do with it, I don't.

1733. I shall not let Arya Stark and Lyra Silvertongue meet.

- None of the continua want to be taken over by two young girls.

1734. I shall not ask Lord Voldemort if he's tried a giant slide to get into Hogwarts.

- Or a trampoline.

- He's already tried those.

1735. I will not try to gain superpowers the same way that many superheroes attained theirs. I will only end up either killing or severely wounding myself in the attempt.

- Not to mention that most of the superheroes got their powers by accident.

1736. Alexandria's Genesis is not a viable excuse for Suvian traits.

- Like, ever.

1737. I will not sing "I've got a jar of dirt" anywhere in earshot of Captain Davy Jones.

- I will not get anybody else to do it, either.

- Unless they happen to be a Sue.

1738. Introducing Davy Jones to the YouTube remix of "I've Got a Jar of Dirt" is a very bad idea.

- Equally, I will not subject Captain Picard to the Picard Song.

- I will not show "We're Taking the Hobbits to Isengard" to any Lord of the Rings characters.

- In fact, YouTube remixes and associated canon characters should never be introduced at all.

1739. I will not make ass jokes around Cranky and Matilda.

- Or Puzzle the Donkey.

1740. Am not allowed to tease Copreus about his name.

1741. I will not give Legolas the impression of being surrounded by spiders.

1742. I will not spray another agent's response center/TARDIS with lavender paint.

- Giving other agents horsemeat cupcakes is right out.

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