TIANATDATPPC Part XXV

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Part XXV of the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at the PPC List, comprising entries 1743-1838.

Cross-posted from the Board on May 17, 2013.

1743. I may NOT give Shadowfax a cutie mark.

1744. Under no circumstances may I inform the Mass Effect Reapers of the PPC's existence.

1745. Under no circumstances is Old Man Willow to meet the Redneck Trees.

1746. Under no circumstances is Ahuizotl to meet Queen Berúthiel.

1747. I will not kill Dolores Umbridge.

- No matter how much I want to.

- Or how many people would thank me.

1748. I will not refer to Darth Vader as "The Volcano Man" when on the Executor.

- This is for my own safety.

1749. I will not give Jar Jar Binks a Random H-Bomb.

1750. I will not give Herod the Great a Death Note.

1751. I will not play recordings of goldfinch songs around the Sunflower Official.

- If I do, I will not grumble about the ten consecutive biology-mangling lemons I get assigned.

1752. I will not play "Derpy's Iron Anvil" around Twilight Sparkle.

1753. I will not assign Derpy Hooves to straighten out a Hearth's Warming tree.

1754. I will not provide the SO (or any other department head, for that matter) with a copy of How to Dynamically Manage People for Dynamic Results in a Caring Empowering Way in Quite a Short Time Dynamically.

1755. Even though the Flowers have enjoyed some success at avoiding talking to agents they don’t want to see simply by shouting that they aren’t in through their office doors, it is highly inadvisable for agents to try this technique when they want to avoid talking to a Flower.

1756. I will stop trying to convince newbies that Soylent Sparkle (think Soylent Green, but made with Sues) is the tastiest thing on the cafeteria menu.

1757. I will not mention the name Sarah Ferron around Snow Villiers.

- Mainly for my own safety.

1758. I will not attempt a mass program shutdown against the Borg.

1759. It doesn't matter if it looks cool, I will not sporadically fire guns from the hip at trained mercenaries. (Shout out to you, Deus Ex&mdash;why'd you have to make gunfire so cool?)

1760. I will not attempt conversation with a Geth interface by speaking in binary code.

- Pretty sure C++ is also off the table.

1761. I will not pit Superman against a Sith Lord.

1762. Nor will I pit Batman against Ezio Auditore.

1763. I will not encourage Commander Shepard to engage in a threesome.

1764. Making snide jokes at every single remark spoken by Elementary!Sherlock Holmes is probably bad for my health.

1765. John Riese is not a hired thug, he is a trained CIA operative. I must remember this.

1766. I am not allowed to transfer the artifacts of Warehouse 13 into the SO's office.

- Unless I wish to be retired forcibly, that is.

1768. I will not steal the hobbits' pipe-weed.

1769. I will not put a TV in front of the Golden Throne "to give the Emperor something to do."

1770. I will not steal Christ's miraculous basket of bread and fish. There are 5,000 hungry people waiting for it.

1771. I will not cover Sparklepires in glitter to make them extra pretty.

1772. I will not tell Luke Skywalker that his Schwartz is almost as big as mine.

1773. A Daemonhammer is not a toy.

1774. The D.O.R.K.S. is not a toy.

1775. My partner is not a toy.

- Unless they actually are, in which case, disregard that.

1776. I will not make nerve gas out of Cafeteria soup anymore.

- Even though it seems to work extremely well.

- Nor will I make mustard gas with the hot sauce, or napalm with the jelly.

1777. Pigpen from Peanuts is to never, ever come within several light-years of the Migrant Fleet.

- Not even to say hello.

1778. Impaling a Sue on Dragon's teeth is not a good idea.

- Sparkle-husks are to be exterminated with extreme prejudice.

- Never, EVER give a Sue to the Collectors!

1779. I can't fire a Widow Anti-Matériel rifle with one hand.

- Or the Claymore shotgun.

- That sort of awesomeness is reserved to Eve.

1780. Don't feed the zerglings.

1781. Bringing a Goliath combat walker into the MechWarrior 'verse is strictly forbidden.

- That goes for the Viking, too.

- The Thor is right out.

1782. I will stop putting torches in dark corridors "to stop monsters from spawning."

1783. It's never a good time to shout "Release the Kraken!"

1784. Geth and Cylons should never meet.

1785. I will not try to draw links between the asari and the protoss.

- Even if they're both blue, biotic/psionic, extremely long-lived, partially uplifted by aliens, and fearsome warriors.

- Asking questions about their "hair" is also out of the question.

1786. Sticking a little "Collect me" sign on Commander Shepard's back is just plain mean.

1787. There is no good reason to justify calling upon the Summoning Dark to avenge me.

- NOT. A. SINGLE. GOOD. REASON.

1788. I will not organize a no-holds-barred "training battle" between the characters of the Nanoha main canon, the Movieverse, Nanoha Innocent, Nanoha Portable, Magic Girl Fatal Fate, Triangle Heart 3, Lyrical Toy Box, or any other variant or AU of the canon.

1789. Signum is not a Saber-Class Servant

1790. I will refrain from introducing Yagami Hayate and Caster together in the presence of the Wolkenritter, Saber, or any amounts of costuming materials.

- Yagami Hayate is never to meet Daidouji Tomoyo, either. The cosplay-induced stress on Nanoha, Fate and Sakura would bring them to the breaking point, and Madokami only knows the amount of damage they would cause.

- Miki Sayaka is right out. The chance of them becoming an unstoppable tackle-groping duo are too high.

- Trying to get Kharla'ggen Vel'Vloz'ress involved is not only Right Out, but will earn me a FicPsych visit and a "talking to" from Kiel with the aid of Friend Demon and Baliir.

- I can only involve Kiel in Sue hunts if the Sue is in Drowtales.

- I will try to keep Friend Demon from gaining access to the Board, or at least try to use whatever keeps it from telling Kiel about Snadhya'rune to censor out the information.

1791. I will not introduce the Fate/Kaleid and Fate/stay night versions of Illya.

- Kuro and Archer are Right Out.

1792. I will not try to get any Servants to dress up in the Fate/Kaleid Installed versions of their costumes.

1793. I will not tell Kyubey about the Holy Grail War.

1794. I will not introduce Akemi Homura and Emiya Kiritsugu.

- We want HQ and the time-space continuum still in one piece, thank you.

- Ditto for Homura Akemi and Nanoha Takamachi. They would end up teaming up against Walpurgisnacht.

- The fact that they would probably win is not a valid justification, no matter how awesome the ensuing beam-and-explosion-spam would be.

- Besides, the collateral damage to Mitakihara City would be more than enough to make Madoka wish to repair everything.

- Yes, we know that they already meet once in HQ without blowing up stuff, but we don't want to tempt fate anymore.

- Even more than Kiritsugu, Homura must never EVER meet Gilgamesh. Timestop + all of the weapons of the Gate of Babylon...

- Unless the Gate of Babylon includes rocket launchers, guns, plastic explosives and obviously ANTI-SHIP MISSILES, 'cause our Hommando has no use for swords and spears.

- And Homura's shield is not to be laughed upon. KING OF HEROES, DO YOU HAVE ENOUGH FIREPOWER?

1795. I will not introduce Ultimate Madoka to any god-like martyr figures in any canon's mythology.

1796. Stop following around Agent Nikki Cherryflower with video cameras. She might be cute when embarrassed just like Sakura, but it doesn't justify triggering the memories of another person. She's trying to stop being just a Sakura clone, thank you.

- Besides, Agent Sergio Turbo isn't going to like that one bit. And he already held at gunpoint more than enough PPC personnel.

1797. SCP-173 and a Weeping Angel are never to meet.

- If they do, I will have to find a way to stop the inevitable carnage.

1798. I will not make doctor puns around the Doctor.

- Or any Time Lord name puns.

1799. I will not taunt Daleks by calling them trashcans.

- Or pepper shakers.

- Or point out their weapon is a whisk and a plunger.

- Or at ANY point call them cowards for hiding in nigh-impenetrable armor.

1800. I will never put SCP-____-J in the SO's office

- I'd never get the chance anyway; I'd constantly put it off for later.

1801. I will never try to convince Luna to create the New Lunar Republic.

- One rebellion was bad enough for everypony.

1802. I will not mock Stygian Tea. For my own health.

1803. I will not feed Agent Riaa'lzhor any chocolate, despite the fact that hyperactive driders are funny.

- This is also because, if Agent Lana finds out that I drugged her girlfriend, she will violently have me volunteer for Narav's experiments.

1804. I will never, under any conditions, let the Borg and a HegSwarm meet.

- If I do, I'll have to sort the resulting mess.

1805. I will not try to shut the Borg Collective down with Snow Crash.

- In fact, I will not attack any mechanical race with Snow Crash. That's just mean.

1806. I will not steal Kiel's War Turtle.

- Even going back to Headquarters won't stop her from getting it back. She'll just break in and recruit as many agents as possible to her harem.

1807. Not only will I not allow Lux into Drowtales: Space Age, I won't let her into ANY part of the Daydream area of Drowtales, and in fact will do everything I can to keep her from learning it exists.

1808. I will not replace my console's beeping, or any other music, with Fame'nidea's music.

- I can, however replace Songfic!Sue background pop music with it, because hearing them try to sing "scratch off the scab, bleed out the poison!" or "gonna chew on your neckbone, to quench the thirst, the Vloz'ress madhouse is waiting, come join the cursed!" with Fame's cheerfulness will be greatly amusing.

1809. I will not organize a music battle between Kyo'nne Val'Illhar'dro and Fame'nidea Vloz'ress.

1810. I will not send a Sue to be one of Kharla'ggen's dolls. Torture is still not okay.

1811. I will not make Time Lord jokes around Homura.

1812. Derpy Hooves is not allowed in Headquarters unless it is completely necessary.

1813. I will not try to get Male!Shep and Fem!Shep together, the results would be disastrous.

1814. I will not sing "The Hedgehog Song" when I am in the Sonic the Hedgehog continuum.

- That would be a Very Bad Idea.

1815. Twilight Sparkle and the Twilight books do not mix.

1816. I will not introduce Queen Chrysalis and Roodaka.

- If I do, I will be held responsible for any damage done to both canon and property.

1817. I will not introduce Morinth to Don Juan.

1818. I will not introduce Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter to the original Mad Hatter.

- The same thing applies to any other versions of the Mad Hatter.

- In fact, introducing different versions of the same character is forbidden as it only causes unnecessary confusion.

1819. I will not attempt to recruit an Eversor Assassin as an agent, as that would be Bad.

1820. Honor Harrington and Lord Castellan Creed must never meet. The sheer amount of TACTICAL GENIUS would overwhelm reality and turn it into a lamppost. Behind which Creed would somehow hide a Baneblade.

1821. I will not give Skyfall-verse James Bond an exploding pen.

- No matter how happy he'd be.

- Even though it's canon in GoldenEye.

1822. I will not show any of the Lord of the Rings characters Peter Jackson's movie trilogy, and I will not take them into World One and point them in the direction of the actors who played them.

- Even if I want to reenact the relevant scenes from OFUM.

1823. Neither am I allowed to terrorize non-OFU fangirls with mini-Balrogs.

- Or with any other form of mini.

1824. I am not Miss Cam, and I am not allowed to attempt social experiments based on her writing that involve LotR characters, inhabitants of World One, or both.

1825. I will not say "Zeeky Boogy Doog" in HQ "to see what happens."

1826. I will not feed the bears.

- Nor will I put No-Doz in Doc's coffee again. The fire department would string me up.

- Nor will I ask him to fix my paintball gun.

- If I do, I will NOT use it in HQ

1827. I will not make fun of Karrin Murphy's height. This is for my own safety.

1828. I will not attempt to steal weapons from RC 625-N-1.

- If I do, I understand that the time I spend in the burn ward will be deducted from my (theoretical) pay.

1829. Daleks are canonical foes. Not "cute widdle pepper shakers."

1830. I will not pit the Silence against Slenderman.

- Or the Silence against the Weeping Angels.

- Even if it's out of curiosity to see if the Angel moves or forgets the encounter.

1831. I will not attempt to terraform my RC.

- Even if I like to live in jungles.

- The console doesn't like having ferns growing out of the screen.

1832. I will not shout "HEY WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS?" at any agent working in the Whoniverse.

- Or sneak up behind them with my hands over my eyes.

- Or draw tally marks on them in their sleep.

1833. I will not replace BBC!John Watson and the Eleventh Doctor.

- No, not even if Matt Smith tried out for Watson.

1834. Replacing BBC and CBS Watson is right out.

1835. Sending CBS Holmes to BBC Irene Adler is just cruel.

1836. Even if the both of them are into S&M so it looks like a match made in heaven.

1837. The Pandorica is not a Sue-confining option.

1838. The Teselecta is not a suitable replacement for the D.O.R.K.S.

- At least not outside the Whoniverse, in any case.

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