TIANATDATPPC Part XXVII

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Part XXVII of the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at the PPC List, comprising entries 1878–1977.

Cross-posted from the Board on May 23, 2019.

1878. No matter how much I enjoy Owl City, harassing Agent Ix with "Wolf Bite" is a very bad idea, not to mention cruel.

1879. I will not pester Skater about his badfic past.
 * And if I cannot control my curiosity, I will not press charges against him for loss of limbs.

1880. I will not tease Agent Thoth about his relationship with Agent Derik unless I want to become a splotch on the wall.
 * I will not tease Agent Thoth at all. Space Marines do not have a sense of humor that they are aware of.
 * For that matter, I will not tease Agent Derik, either. He might laugh, but he might also garrote me with a guitar string while doing it. It's not worth the risk.

1881. I will not sleep with canon characters.
 * No, not even if they look exactly like their recruited character replacements. I am not fooling anyone by claiming a case of "mistaken identity."

1882. I will not clone or otherwise create alternates of Captain Jack Harkness. There are too damn many of them in HQ as it is.

1883. If I get into a chase scene in Headquarters, I will not complain when I run into the fruit cart and/or the plate glass window.

1884. I may not assassinate Jonathan Levinson (Buffy the Vampire Slayer). While he may technically qualify as a Gary Stu in the episode "Superstar," he is still a canon character, and he gets better.

1885. A copy of The Monster Book of Monsters makes a terrible gift. If I give one anyway, I will accept full responsibility for the consequences.

1886. I will not show the Notary the entire List of Things I Am Not Allowed to Do in the PPC. True, if anyone can organize it and clean up all the redundancies, it's her, but it might make her brain overheat and explode.
 * That is not a good reason to do it anyway.

1887. I will not play Benny Hill music in the hallway, even if there are no chase scenes currently happening, for fear of tempting the Ironic Overpower.

1888. Aliens, magnets, 42, a wizard did it, and quantum are heretofore unacceptable answers to any question. Even if they would be correct.

1889. I will not argue with any pregnant PPC agent. Most of them are a little homicidal to begin with.
 * I will not mock the food cravings of any pregnant PPC agent, even if they are super weird or gross.

1890. I am not allowed to break down a wall of my RC and claim it was "remodeling." My spurious work request was already turned down by Building Maintenance, and they will not be amused when they have to clean up my mess.
 * If I hurt myself doing amateur construction work, I have no one to blame but myself.

1891. Hatchets are strictly forbidden in the PPC Hunger Games. If I am the Mysterious Hatchet Sponsor, I will stop sending them already, for the love of Glod.

1892. I must not lock the Aviator and the Detective in a room with a bunch of alcohol and tell them to "get it on already."
 * Or Farilan and Ilraen.
 * Or Derik and Thoth.
 * Or Derik and Gall and Thoth.
 * Or Chenille and Merula.
 * Or Allanya and Feloriel.
 * Allanya doesn't drink, anyway.
 * In fact, no doing this to any group of people, no matter how much the obvious tension between them needs to be resolved.
 * Married couples don't need locking in a room either.

1893. I will not organise deathmatches between the Bakshi and Jackson versions of Lord of the Rings characters.
 * It wouldn't be fair anyway; Jackson Legolas would just shoot them all with his infinite arrows.
 * This goes for the Rankin-Bass versions too.
 * Yes, and the Amazon ones when they show up.
 * The OFUM versions are right out.

1894. I will not dye my hair white, put on a moustache and sunglasses, and wander around claiming to be Stan Lee's cameo.
 * I especially will not do this while on a mission.

1895. I will not spam the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do list with repetitive entries.

1896. I will not spam the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do list with repetitive entries.

1897. I will not spam the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do list with repetitive entries.

1898. I will not spam the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do list with rep&mdash;
 * I will not allow Agent Orinoco access to the List ever again. ~Aella

1899. Just because he did it in canon as a con attempt to get somewhere doesn't mean I'm allowed to joke about a potential relationship between Harry Dresden and Thomas Raith.

1900. No matter how cool Deadpool makes it look like, I'm not allowed to "clean up the timeline" of canon works.
 * No, not even Green Lantern.
 * Deadpool is already doing it anyways; do you really want to get in his way?
 * Hey, I wouldn't mind bringing someone with me for that. They just have to bring chimichangas.

1901. I will not try to flirt with Agent Kat in front of her brother.

1902. I will not try to talk to Agent Edward when he is in a bad mood.
 * Or even in an acceptable mood.

1903. I will not make any uncomplimentary remarks about birds in the hearing of Agent Kat.

1904. Giving a Flower plant food as a holiday present is only funny once.

1905. DoSAT is trained to fix consoles, CADs, and other PPC tech. Agent Evie, despite her intelligence and occasional technopathy, is not.
 * Also, do you really want a GLaDOS expy toying with your machines?

1906. No matter how poetic it would be, I am not to give a RWBY Sue to Cinder, Salem, or Adam Taurus for assassination.

1907. There is no such thing as workman's comp in the PPC, and attempting to bring it up to the Flowers will only get me punishment.
 * Even if I am a lawyer, not allowed to ask Legal for help creating a workman's comp fund.

1908. I will not spike Lux's drinks.
 * With anything.
 * Even if it isn't an aphrodisiac.
 * Ethics aside, Lux is enough of a handful already without getting her high.

1909. If I'm going to be using Bleeprin and alcohol as makeshift grenades, I had better know what I'm doing.

1910. Yes, Nurse Falloren's jacket is eye-straining as all get-out. No, that does not mean stealing it and embroidering over each stripe in a corresponding Sue color is an acceptable prank.

1911. Sarah has a nest in the Courtyard for a reason. Messing with it will probably end with me having an angry phoenix hot on my heels.

1912. I will not teach the Normal-Sized Temmies to swear.
 * Even if I'm not intentionally teaching them anything, I will watch my language around the Normal-Sized Temmies.
 * PPC agents have enough sanity-breaking fuvg to deal with already. Lolspeak swearwords are unnecessary.

1913. I will not paint any minis urple.
 * I will not paint any minis wilver.
 * I will not paint any minis any Sue color.

1914. Locking Lux and Ava in a room may get them out of everyone else's hair for a while, but it's probably not a good idea anyway. The IO would make sure at least one of them gets called for a mission.
 * Starting a betting pool on who'll wear the other one out first is right out.
 * Same goes for any two infamously ubeal agents.

1915. I will not purposefully create minis.
 * No matter how much I want a pet.

1916. No matter how desperate I am for a break, if I don't actually need to get hauled off to FicPsych, I will not arrange for it to happen. The nurses are busy enough already.

1917. I, Agent Leonidas, will not execute unsuspecting magic-using canons (in a canon where such beings exist) for being unsanctioned psykers, even if magic is heresy. I also will not attempt to capture and interrogate Sues in the nearest available dungeon rather than killing them outright.

1918. I, Agent Leonidas, will not keep my partner awake by reciting litanies until dawn as there are no Chaplains here to chastise me for failing to do so.

1919. I, Agent Leonidas, will not eat Sue brains even if doing so would give me a tactical advantage by gaining their memories.

1920. I, Agent Leonidas, will not fire overcharged plasma cannons if it is dark out. [A reference to an oddity in the 8th Edition Warhammer 40,000 mechanics, where rolling 1s to hit on an overcharged plasma shot will kill the user&mdash;not just natural 1s, but any result of 1. Meaning that if the user is debuffed by, say, lack of visibility in the target area, causing them to subtract 1 from their hit rolls, they are more likely to accidentally blow themselves to the Emperor's embrace.]

1921. My partner Samuel is not an Initiate, he is equal in rank to myself as far as the PPC is concerned. I should not train him like a Space Marine Scout by sending him on covert ops missions into "enemy territory," including Thoth's RC.

1922. I, Agent Leonidas, will not attempt to commit manslaughter against Agent Thoth by "accidentally" leaving my sword's power field engaged while sparring. Or by doing so intentionally.

1923. I, Agent Leonidas, will not react with aggression or violence to anyone who mispronounces the term "Space Marines" or implies anything but unflinching loyalty in regards to my Chapter's history in my presence. Even if I really want to.

1924. Space Wolves in missions do not count as actual Space Wolves for the purposes of ritual honor duels being required.

1925. I, Agent Leonidas, will not attempt to duel a Sue or any other foe in melee if there is a more pragmatic alternative, even if I don't often get to use my sword

1926. I, Agent Leonidas, am not allowed to shout "BLAM! HERESY" every time I use my sidearm to eliminate a target, no matter how strongly Samuel encourages me to do so.

1927. I, Agent Samuel, will not challenge enemies to a Gunpla battle.

1928. I, Agent Samuel, will not challenge anyone and anything that inconveniences me to a Gunpla battle even if I'm joking because it gets old.

1929. I, Agent Samuel, will not attempt to build a functioning full-size version of any mobile suit I come up with. DoSAT is not a spare parts bin and constructing a functioning mobile weapon is not kitbashing.

1930. I, Agent Samuel, will not break my home canon, should I be assigned to a mission there, by letting canons know that they are cameos from other canons. It'd be mean anyway.

1931. I, Agent Samuel, will not attempt to synthesize urple spraypaint for any reason.

1932. I, Agent Samuel, will not build Gunpla based on other agents unless they want me to. Also, superiority in Gunpla battle doesn't mean one Agent is stronger than another if they fight for real; I will not have "agent-deathmatches-by-proxy" using PPC-themed Gunpla.

1933. I, Agent Samuel, will not ask Leonidas if I'm in range for his to-hit re-roll aura ability whenever I drop something.

1934. I will not mention the name "Jaycacia."
 * I will not think about the name "Jaycacia."
 * I will not know about the name "Jaycacia."
 * If I do, I will promptly erase my memory before I bring it up by accident with veteran agents in the Cafeteria.
 * If I fail to do so, I will not complain when I am painfully disguised as a bloody stain on the Cafeteria floor, nor will I complain about being so near J*y**c*a's remains.

1935. On a similar note, I will not mention or think about or even know about "Fanfic Land" or "Fanfic World."
 * If I do, I will not bring it up with agents who have been terrorized by those websites.

1936. I will not attempt to introduce the PPC Badfic Game or Shipfest into the PPC. Just because my author does something doesn't mean I have to do it, too. Yes, even if I am a self-insert.

1937. I will not attempt to exploit naïve or gullible or emotionally vulnerable agents' vulnerabilities. The odds that someone really cares about them and will be Not Amused are far too high.

1938. I will never perform any experiment that has the potential to cause a Grey Goo Scenario.

1939. I will not utter the phrase "it's Laundryverse" with regards to a random piece of tech Makes-Things is fixing unless it's true.
 * The same applies to technicians who are not Makes-Things.

1940. I will not paint the mark of Slaanesh on Thoth's Door.
 * Or any other 40k agent's door.
 * I will not try and convince others to do this, either.

1941. I will not paste the words "GET ON WITH IT AND SHPX ALREADY" to Gall and Derik's door.
 * I will especially not paste the same to Nume and Ilraen's door.

1942. SCP-294 replicas are not acceptable gifts.

1943. Putting a replica Weeping Angel outside the Aviator's door is not funny.
 * Stop laughing.

1944. No, this is not the work of an "enemy stand."

1945. I will no longer burst into Internal Affairs committees and shout "OBJECTION!" while playing dramatic music whenever the opportunity arises.
 * In fact, shouting "OBJECTION!" and playing dramatic music in any court-like environment is generally not permitted. (Exceptions granted to Phoenix Wright-verse agents, because DoSAT hasn't worked out how to stop the music from playing yet.)

1946. Literally nothing is "just as planned."
 * It definitely not "just according to keikaku."

1947. I will not use unconscious and/or dead bodies to recreate "Loss."
 * I will not recreate "Loss." Ever.
 * No, it's not a Jojo's reference.

1948. If a giant ball is rolling through the hallways, I will help my fellow agents, not don a hat and start whistling the Indiana Jones theme.

1949. This is definitely your final form.

1950. I will not bribe the DoI to send Cory in the House missions to agents specializing in anime.

1951. I will no longer quote Dirty Harry at Sues.

1952. Nuking Ghandi expies as a "pre-emptive strike" is no longer acceptable.

1953. The phrase "It's not that I like you or anything, b-b-baka" is never acceptable for use.

1954. I will not tamper with Allanya's brooch.
 * Having a severely traumatized assassin swearing eternal vengeance on you is not pleasant.
 * I will not tamper with Aelis's necklace.
 * I will not tamper with any agent's keepsakes.

1955. No matter how funny her reaction is, or how much I like Owl City, I will not harass Allanya with "Thunderstruck."
 * I will not harass Feloriel with it, either.

1956. Harassing Falloren with "Ghost of a Rose" is a qvpx move if ever there was one. It wasn't funny the first time, and it certainly won't be funny the millionth.
 * Same goes for "I May Not Awaken."
 * Or any song that could even remotely be interpreted as having those sorts of themes. She's already been dragged into FicPsych once, it doesn't need to happen again.

1957. Sneaking into Feloriel's RC while she's out and cutting the sleeves off all of her dresses is not remotely funny and will probably end in me hiding from the vengeance of a ticked-off Death Domain cleric.

1958. No matter what Ava says, Aelis does not need to get laid.

1959. The Floating Hyacinth does not need to be reminded about how Nowhere and Faylise showed up at HQ.

1960. I will refrain from continuously gifting Ailienas temporary kid's tattoos. She's quite happy with her current tattoos.

1961. If I manage to figure out that it's currently Father's Day, I will not point this fact out to Alantha.
 * As a rule of thumb, pointing out that it's any relative's day to someone who has lost that relative is unkind.

1962. I will not arrange for Iria to be sent on a mission to the Lovecraft-verse.

1963. Yes, "Shiznee" is a slightly ridiculous-sounding name for a god. No, I will not point this out to Matteo or Nievelle.

1964. I will not call Agent Chenille a "combat bunny." It only happened once, and making a horse-sized rabbit with knives angry at me is painful.

1965. I will not trick Chenille into eating potatoes.
 * Nor offer him carrots. Just because he likes them doesn't mean he isn't annoyed by how often it happens.

1966. I will not touch Chenille's Beaststone.

1967. Raiding RC 1118 for food is a Bad Idea.

1968. I will not call either Agent Chenille or Agent Merula a furry.

1969. Merula is not indecisive, no matter how many times she dyes her hair.

1970. Insinuating that Merula should "blow" anything ends in wind magic in my face and a trip to Medical.

1971. I will not touch Merula's gloves.

1972. Merula is not "as dense as a shonen protagonist."

1973. Just because Merula's last name is inspired by velveteen rabbits does not make her a rabbit.
 * Nor have any traits that insinuates.
 * Neither does Chenille, despite the fact that he can be a rabbit when he wants.

1974. I will not tie anyone's horns/antlers to things.
 * Especially not with Sue-colored ribbons.
 * Sue-colored garter stockings are right out.

1975. I must not ask Agent Ix about their "furry little problem."
 * Or "that time of the month."
 * Charlotte can still kick my butt.
 * I will not insinuate that Charlotte can't kick my butt anymore because she's no longer a sparklepire.

1976. I will not even hint that there is any kind of tension between Skater and Leo, except the regular kind that results in them snapping at each other.
 * I will most certainly not insist there is. Because there isn't.
 * Seriously, I will not push them on this. They'll get mad, and then Skater might lose control of his powers and sap the PPC of every joule of thermal energy or drive everyone OOC or something. Or just do a joint attack with Leo.
 * I will also not do this because their author might intervene, and then I'm really in for it.

1977. I will not add to Skater's frustration if he's having a perfectly canonical angst attack. We don't need a repeat of the Time Dilation Incident.

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