Sues: Identifying the Species

"Sues: Identifying the Species" is a short poem by Agent Rhysdux. It was used in one of Miss H's Controversial Issues in Fanfiction lessons to help teach OBAFU students to recognize Mary Sues.

The full text is reproduced here for convenience:

If her hair's an autumn auburn that in waves so flawless falls, If her raven or gold tresses all cascade like waterfalls, If her eyes are a peculiar shade that change with each emotion, If her skin (so creamy, pink, or fair) starts clamorous commotion;

If Valar or Lord Voldemort weep when she sings a song, If her body's slim and delicate, but she's Wonder Woman strong, If every man who meets her swiftly falls beneath her spell, If gods and demons serve her, not she Paradise or Hell;

If she's a starship ensign who always saves the day, The just-become-Immortal who knows all about swordplay; If she's Elrond's Other Daughter whom an elf prince must pursue; If she slays vampires in her sleep—oh, yes, and demons, too;

If she is Strider's sister, or Snape loves her to distraction, If, at twelve, all men lust for her (and she loves their reaction), If she can out-hack Willow, upset Gandalf's strongest spell, If there is nothing she can't do, and do superbly well;

If she has a horrid temper, and calls everybody names And all the canon characters just love her all the same, If these selfsame characters 'round her have naught to do. . . Congratulations! You have met The Dreaded Mary Sue.

Source

 * Official Buffy and Angel Fanfiction University, Chapter 12: "A Scientific Exploration of the Suvian" by HonorH, c. late July, 2003